Once Upon A Shadow, Deep Inside A Dream

him 08-17-04

I thought of him today as I watched t.v.,
and I thought of her today as I saw him in my mind.
I thought of the love I had for him long ago,
and felt the familiar tuggings at my soul.
I still love him, even though he can never be mine,
I still love him, even though he mocks me, enjoys my pain.
I still love him, even though I am pure and he is not,
I still love him, more than she ever did or would or will.

It is sad that he cannot be mine, it is sad that he knows,
it is sad that I twist upon a bloody thorn and he soars.
I cried for him today, though no one will ever know,
I cried because I loved him and she had him and she let him go.
It's awful to lose someone you never even had,
it's horrible to feel pain for something you never did.
She had him, God, and I loved him and she didn't,
why did she get him when I would have been loyal forever?

He went away for awhile and left Santa Fe and me behind,
he went and I believed that it was over, that I would be fine.
Then he returned and everyone smiled and asked if I'd seen him,
but I haven't and it grows and I hate, for there is no reason.
I am sick and I am lost and he doesn't even care,
I am the one that he can mock and tease because he knows I'll always remain.
I'll love him forever and it saddens me to be this way,
why can't I live the life that all others get to live?

I notice people stumbling but someone helps them up,
and they stand, once more, dust off the dirt and move on.
I have more than stumbled, more than fallen, I've lain for years in the dirt,
no one has helped me stand, my life has not moved on.
So I ask myself, why did he have to come back to Santa Fe?
I don't know the answer and I won't ask the others what they think.
I thought of her today and the cold way she told me about it,
'He begged me to stay,' she said, 'though I didn't want to.'

Why did she get him, when I loved him so much it hurt?
How did she win the battle that I fought so fiercly?
I was surprised to feel the tears when I thought of him and her today,
and I still feel them as I write these words I'll never be able to say.
No one can ever know the pain I feel for him still in my soul,
and no one can ever know that I love him still and can't let go.
It seems as though I'm doomed to always be alone,
I can never escape him, even when he is gone.

So I weep for him and feel the pain of her betrayal too strongly,
and I weep for me because I cannot possibly ever have him.
I've had the chance two days so far to catch a glimpse of my love,
and both times he wasn't there, though I tried hard not to notice.
I wonder if God is protecting me further, as He always does,
or if He was waiting for me to grasp how I still felt about him.
So I'll say his name here and if it is meant to be discovered it will be,
For Kiahle you are the one I love and always will, I know that now.

Because I wept for you today, I looked for you twice and I missed you while you were gone.

But you can never be mine and you can never fully know...

The depth of my love.