My True Soul

Wow, first entry for this year and it's March

I don't update much anymore, not really. However, I think I should.
I love April... yes... because sometimes, well, not even sometimes, most everytime, she says something that makes a lot of sense. Always has. For as long as I've known her.

The 2 questions she asked me... will this be worth it in the end, and do I still want to do this? Their answers are Yes.

I realize now, more than ever, that Manda's just as confused about it all as I am. She's just as unsure. We're in it together though or that's how I feel. We're both not sure about the future... she's doubtful about it, I'm pretty sure. But, for now, I think maybe just enjoying how things are right now would be best. The future will work out how it needs to.

I've got to take more time to appreciate the things she does for me and to show her I appreciate those things and her. I need to start showing her I love her more and be telling her through those actions in addition to through words.

It was amusing about a week ago when she talked about our relationship in her gender class. One guy said it seemed cold and calculating. Because at the beginning, we laid out what we wanted, what we expected. Everything was clear. It has always been a warm comfortable sort of love, but it's there, always. Or I feel it is.

I remember things with Sarah... I'm not sure if I always knew or felt that she loved me. In fact, the only time that seemed to be clear completely was after it was all over. Years after. When it wasn't about her and I anymore, when it was only about closure. And I remember being with her and purposefully trying not to tell her what was going on in my life, what I felt, or what had happened in my world.

It can be a long time between I love yous, and I still know Manda cares and that she loves me. I love that the times when we say isn't because it's expected... it's because it's what we want the other one to know. We both agreed that would be better. Then we'd both know everytime it was said was because at that moment, that's the very thing we felt. Haha, can't tell me that's not a romantic, passionate way to express that you love someone. To not cheapen it by saying it when you don't really feel it. To not cheapen it by making it a routine.

I have an... whatever, honor society thing or whatever to be inducted into. I really wish I wouldn't have mentioned it to my parents now. I didn't really expect that they'd want to come down to go since it's during the week. And yeah. They're proud and making a big deal out of it in a way that I'm not really glad about. I guess it is a big deal, in some ways, considering out of the entire university, only like 20 of us were invited. But, Manda's reaction is the one that means the most to me.

With my parents, ya know... I don't know if this makes sense, but it felt like bringing them another reason to love me.

With Manda, it felt different. I didn't need that to have her love me or to be one more reason for her to do so. It wouldn't have mattered... but she was proud for me. Of me. Because I have done well and I deserve that honor.

On another note, I need to stop worrying so much. This is one thing I love about Manda... she tries to make me stop worrying, to calm down, to not stress out. Sometimes I'm too hard-headed for my own good. But without her... I'd be a wreck.

I had family come down this past weekend too. I haven't seen them in 5 years... considering my lil cousin is 5 and the last time I saw him he was maybe a month and a half. It's been 17 years since my aunt and uncle have been down here. They don't travel that well, really. But, them being here made me think a lot about how I'll be when I have kids. My lil cousin has leukemia, so he's on medicine that makes him hyper and makes him hungry.... a lot. They're willing to feed him anything and get him anything he wants to eat. Which, makes sense considering for 2 weeks everymonth he won't hardly eat anything.

However, it seems to me that he's getting where he uses that for an excuse to make them go and do what he wants them to do. He comes in to our house, he starts fussing in about 2 minutes that he's bored, let's go do something fun. I mean, we haven't even had the chance to possibly find him something to do or something to entertain him with. He yelled at my aunt (his grandmother), actually. But, that's because they've taught him to be sassy and rude to them because they've always been sassy like that to each other. To be around them, you have to be fairly sharp tongued or have a thick skin.

It just amazed me how much he controls what they do, where they go, and when they do it. And I didn't really hear any of them discipline him. In any manner. I don't even mean spanking. The only one that did was his father... and that was only when his mother was around.

I don't know, it's things like this that make you judge kinda, but also makes you question what you would do if you were in the same situation.
It was a huge relief to hear the person I want to have children with have the same kinda reaction to it as I did. That was a comfort. But for the most part, when it comes to raising children, we're not that far apart in what we believe. There's actually a lot of things that we're more similar about than not.