Diary of a Middle-aged Woman

03/07/07 - Future 'Crazy Cat Lady'

I'm having an anti-social day. The kind of day where I don't want to go anywhere, talk to anyone, or deal with any of the day-to-day mundane routine of life. Today I just want to be left alone - all day. In that vein, the weird workings of my mind came up with the realization that I could definitely see myself living as a hermit.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think I could be the cave-dwelling garden variety hermit. Afterall, where would I plug in my hairdryer? How would I recharge my cellphone? How would I nuke my Lean Cuisine? Besides, hermits are never depicted as women. But I could see myself living in the middle of nowhere, with no contact from the outside world - unless I wanted it - and no daily hassles of making a living. My groceries would be delivered to me, and I would buy everything I wanted online, or from QVC. I would develop a taste for such shows as soap operas and 'The Jerry Springer Show'. I could be an oddball, a 'character', a person that people would be afraid to approach. You know, the house that no one goes to on Halloween because of the weird old lady who lives in it. That could be me. I want to apply for that job.

This is a running joke in my family - that I will be a 'Crazy Cat Lady' when I am old. The other day I complained about my weight and my husband said, "You're going to be a skinny little old lady with five cats." Five cats? I was thinking more like fifteen. My daughter complains that I "took over" her cat. I can't help it. Every cat that comes within 20 yards of me falls into some kind of spell and is drawn to me. I have some kind of magical cat voodoo they can't resist. For example, whenever we look at kittens in a pet shop, they all walk over to where I am, no matter how many people are looking at them. They meow for my attention, ignoring everyone else. It's as if I am their leader.

So you see, collecting cats would not be a problem for me either. All I have to do is stand on my back porch and every stray cat within a 50 mile radius is drawn to me. Currently, I have one cat for the collection - the one I 'took over' from my daughter. I found her hiding under our shed in the backyard. Since then, we've seen other stray cats in our backyard, driveway and hedges. It's that cat voodoo of mine they can't resist. How come I never had this problem when I was single and looking for a mate? Why doesn't this magnetism translate over to people? Why just cats?

It's easy for me to imagine a life with a houseful of cats, each with a crazy name like Mrs. Beasley, or Miss Marple. Cat fur would constantly float through the air, and everything that I cooked would accidently have a nice dose of cat fur in it. To save money, I would probably eat catfood too. Even now, whenever I open a can of catfood I look at it to see if it is something I could eat - for future reference. (Fancy Feast looks like it would be good on a cracker.) I would have conversations with my cats and be convinced they are talking back to me. If I can't be a hermit, then I could be the "Crazy Cat Lady" who lives down the road.