Catching Idle Butterflies

OCD

Obsessive-compulsive disorder. My dad has that. For years it went undiagnosed and untreated. He washed his hands over and over until he scraped his skin raw. He used to pick his nails and the cuticles until they bled. Finally, he decided to seek help when he often checked to make sure the doors and windows were locked a dozen times during the night. He’s now on medication and seems to have it under control.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s hereditary . . .

I admit I had three other reasons for backing off from blogging than the one I mentioned in my previous entry. The original I gave was actually the tertiary reason, not the primary or secondary.

My primary reason was feeling obsessive. I started to spend so much time blogging, I took little time for anything else. I obsessed about what I would write about, and also whether or not people would comment on what I wrote. When some of my normal commentators didn’t, I began to wonder if I pissed them off somehow, or I didn’t write anything worthy of their attention, let alone worthy of their comments.

That was my secondary reason. It wasn’t so much even the comments I received, but the number of comments, especially when compared to previous entries. That’s kind of shallow, don’t you think? By counting comments, I ignored the comments themselves and it lessened my appreciation for every one. That’s not only shallow, but rude – perhaps even egoistical.

I needed to get over this obsession (and myself), and the only way to do so was to back away.

Why am I writing an entry today? I guess because I need to get this off my mind. I could write this and leave it as a private document on my computer, but I’ve found by sharing my difficulties makes them seem surmountable, and that I’m not crazy or alone in being obsessive at times. (At least I hope so *chews on fingernails* ).

I know enough about my strengths and weaknesses, I sometimes manage to use my strengths to overcome my weaknesses. This is one such case, I think. I notice when something is beginning to have an adverse effect on me. I then try to use rational thought to overcome an emotional difficulty. It works. Sometimes.

And that’s all this obsession is; an insatiable need to feel approved of and accepted. As if I wasn’t already . Needing to be constantly affirmed of acceptance was my fourth reason for backing off.

My goodness, I wondered, what will it take to be certain I am accepted around here? I didn’t make 43rd most viewed because I write crap! ~ Gotta stop now. I’m getting dizzy . . .

I didn’t want to write something and have you once again - after countless times already - tell me how you feel about me and my blog. That gets tiresome, I’m sure. So, if you right now feel the urge to say it once again, please don’t! I’m writing this to - as I said at the beginning - get this off my mind, not for affirmation (I seem to like that word today).

Distance and time helps. When enough passes I can then take a long 20/20 view of what happened and realize in all parts of my mind that I needn’t have been concerned.

I write to let things go, and sharing them with the rest of you helps me to do so. I don’t expect pity, sympathy, or even understanding (though I will take understanding). I don’t write many times seeking advice, prayers, or a ‘there, there’ (though I will never turn down any of them). I just want to be heard.

That’s not to say I’m back to blogging. Sorry. I still have much to do, and I’m not quite over my little bout of obsession yet. This is my rational side talking. My emotional side hasn’t caught up to it yet, although I think it’s listening . . .

Yep, it’s listening.

I’ll still try to steal a few minutes here and there to read yours. I read three yesterday at lunch, but didn’t have the time for more. If I missed you, my apologies. I didn’t ignore you, and I will stop in eventually.

Onto a different subject *hears collective sigh of relief*

I made a mental list of what I’ll be taking with me to the conference. With my "Invalid Item"  forum, I realized if I’m to judge devotions, perhaps I should start writing my own. You think? I’ve only written one (see "Invalid Item"  if you’re interested; plus I could use the reviews). I’m thinking of writing at least three more. If they’re good enough, I’ll post them for your perusal.

In searching for my little devotion, I found three articles I wrote ages ago, but forgot about. I’ll be polishing those up to take with me. At the very least I can get advice from editors on how to improve them. I honestly don’t care if they like them enough to accept them right then. That’s one dream I plan to keep at home. I’m interested mostly in learning and making contacts. Part of me still wants to tackle nonfiction articles, and I want to know if I have a smidgeon of talent to do so.

I’ll also be rewriting my synopsis. Yuck.

In the package sent by the Guild listing all the editors/publishers/agents slated to be at the conference it suggested to take along query letters of what I’m trying to sell. Hmm. Good idea, but triple yuck. I despise query letters, because they are much like the cover of a book. If the cover doesn’t gain a potential reader’s attention, it doesn’t matter if the book itself is excellent. Much more effort needs to go into a query letter, it seems, and any little screw up can screw my chances of moving to the next step toward publication. It’s like being judged as a slob because my shoe has a scuff on it, yet I spent hours making certain my hair, makeup, and clothing are tip-top.

In writing only three query letters, each one gaining me a big fat Rejected! letter, I have no confidence in writing more.

But, as with any other writing, it comes with practice. If I take query letters with me, I can ask the editors/publishers/agents how to improve on those. I know my manuscripts are good (and my opinion is never wrong ). I need to learn now how to sell them, and one way to accomplish that is to write killer query letters.

Happy February 1st!