Starting Over...

Trapped

I hate days like today. Nobody's really responsible for my feeling this way but me. In short, I hate my job. Moreover, I've decided I hate research in general, but I've never done anything else.

What else could I do? What am I good at? I'm young with no strings on me. Why am I trapped in a profession I hate? One that's been so cruel to me. Because I don't know what else to do. My boss seems to like me well enough. She's even dropped hints that she'd like to have me on long term (i.e. sending me to a 2-day software training class so I can be the "lab expert" in such matters). But I feel like I have to bust my tail constantly just to keep par.

Granted I've only been here for 6 months I've learned so much and my skills are improving by the day. If not for this one torturous never-ending project I might feel good about the situation. I don't know. I'm so used to being judged by my failures and blamed for everything that goes wrong that I repeatedly work myself into a tizzy over what is one of many responsibilities I have. It is, of course, the responsibility that has taken up the bulk of my days since mid-December. I've worked so hard, but am not the slightest bit confident in my approach/technique/results. This has the potential to blow up.

I guess I'm stuck here for another two years at least. The grant runs out in Feb 2009, but the lab is well-established so there will likely be another one waiting in the wings. I need to find out what I can do so I can escape this profession.

Say a prayer for me that I'll make it through this project. Maybe I won't feel so despairing then.