Diary of a Middle-aged Woman

01/30/07 - Things I NEVER Ask My Husband To Do!

I'm sitting here staring at the keyboard trying to collect my thoughts and type something coherent. My fingers are moving way too slowly this morning and I have a feeling it will be one of those days when I drop everything. And I know someone will say, "you have the dropsies."

When I was at the mall on Saturday, I couldn't help but notice the poor men sitting on the benches in the center of the mall, waiting patiently for their wives, girlfriends or whatever. They all had the same expression on their faces. Their eyes were glazed over with the look of boredom, or the "I'd rather be somewhere else" look. Some of the poor souls were actually holding purses! These are the men who are really, and I hate to use this word, "henpecked".

This got me to thinking about things that I would never, I mean NEVER, ask my husband to do. So, this is what I came up with so far:

I would never ask my husband to hold my purse while I did my shopping. First of all, he would look completely ridiculous. I mean he's six foot six and weighs aboutt 280. Also, I doubt that I have a purse that would match his Carhart coat. The color of which is called "duck". (Where the hell did they come up with that name?)

Another thing I wouldn't ask my husband to do is to buy feminine hygiene products for me. It would be embarrassing for him, and besides, I know he wouldn't buy the right thing. I imagine him dashing down "that" aisle, grabbing whatever he could, and glancing nervously over his shoulder to make sure no one he knows saw him. It would be too much stress for him.

I never ask my husband to get anything out of my purse. As far as I'm concerned, my purse is my domain. NO ONE, I mean NO ONE, goes into my purse without my permission. If he needs something out of my purse (car keys, pen, etc.) he brings it to me and I get whatever it is he needs.

I never ask my husband to fold my laundry. I have this "thing" about people looking at my panties. It's to the point where I hide my underwear when I go to the gynecologist. I stuff them into a jean pocket or my purse. The gynecologist might see parts of me that I've never seen, but he's not going to see my underwear!

I never ask my husband to go to my gynecologist appointments, or any doctor appointment for that matter. When I was pregnant I asked him to go to two appointments. One was to hear the baby's heart beat, and the other was to see her in the ultrasound. And that was it. The main reason I don't ask him to go with me is because he plays with everything. He opens draws, picks up the instruments and plays with them, and basically, can't sit still! It's like having a toddler with me. I don't need the stress or aggravation. His companionship during doctor appointments isn't worth the headache.

I never ask my husband to write any kind of letter, email, or greeting card. My husband has terrible handwriting, for one thing, and he can't spell all that well either. There are times he's called me at work to ask me how to spell different words. I can always tell when he's calling me to ask for spelling help. He begins with, "How's your day going? What's new at work? By the way, how do you spell . . ." I remember once he called me to ask, "How do you spell 'shelves'?" I was floored! I told him our, then, 7 year old daughter could spell that word. To prove my point, that night at dinner I asked her to spell it - and she did! (To this day, my daughter says to my husband, "At least I can spell 'shelves'!")

I never ask my husband to visit my relatives with me. My family is a collection of Jerry Springer-types. They have one problem after another, and fight amongst themselves constantly. I don't want to subject him to their behavior. What he does know about them already, is enough.

I never ask my husband to go grocery shopping with me. He walks through the store and looks at things like he's never been in a supermarket before. I swear it's like he just came down from the mountains to buy his provisions for the month or something. I remember one time, when I did take him with me, I asked him to get frozen peas. Off he went to find the frozen vegetable aisle. He was gone awhile and I began to think he got lost, or abducted. I walked to the frozen vegetable aisle and there he was staring at the frozen peas. He looked at me with utter confusion on his face. "I don't know which ones to buy. "These" (holding up a bag of frozen peas) are on sale, but then again, these are Birds Eye, but they're not on sale." This was the conflict that was taking him so long! Forget it! He's more of a hindrance than a help! Besides, I don't want to hurt the feelings of the Dairy Manager! (See my Blog posting dated 01/26/07.)

Well, that's my list, thus far. I have to get ready for work, or I'm sure I would think of other things.

I hope you found this amusing! Have a Great Day!