Mental Meanderings

Then and Now... When inspiration dissipates

I started today understanding the horror that is Mondayitis. I didn't feel much like working and was glad to have an easy day lined up. I wasn't very interested in writing the days 15 minutes freewriting exercise but thankfully my wonderful friends via the WDC chat room got me working by joining me for the timer which finally got that task over and done with.

After writing that I was feeling much better. I was intrigued by the sparks of inspiration that came about in that peice. It's no Shakespeare and nothing really worth keeping or eternalizing but some of the imagery was touching and I tapped an emotional core that lasted fleeting moments before I reverted to blah.

Earlier today I was sure there were a number of topics I could cover in my blog but now as I sit here today I'm in blah mode again. Nothing at all seems particularly interesting and I don't much want to be here anyway.

If everyone has been feeling like this lately then I can understand why there are so few blog entries for me to read this past week. I'm missing my fix of other peoples lives. I'm beginning to feel like I'm alone in a dark world and I suppose that could be related to lack of chat or I don't know, this blahness.

Perhaps it has to do with stress again. Money woes strike again this month when I realise, once again, I'm doing juggling tricks to make sure I can keep a roof over my families heads. The mortgage is due and I'm scrimping up the funds to make sure it's covered. Thankfully there is hopefully enough food to keep the kids fed and cash in my purse to get a fresh loaf of break and a litre of milk which we'll need to handle breakfasts and lunches.

I'm also realising that once again some of my dearest friends are moving on to other realities. Anyea and Mindy are off to conquer elsewhere in the cyber world and it makes me hear the echo of WDC loneliness. I haven't been around much myself lately simply because I'm feeling detached from the community and my writing more generally. I struggle to remember why I want to be a writer. I find it harder and harder to focus on the joy it brings me when most of the time all I feel is stress and self-loathing and rejection.

It's all a viscious circle with my self-esteem. The ups and downs of bipolar swing me about and I feel great for a few days and then am thrust back into wallowing apathy. It's not even really depression other than this horrid self-pity it's more like a lack of care. This sensation feels worse than being sad about everything or feeling like the world is coming to an end. It's more like having no reason to keep living. The world could come to an end but it doesn't effect me because my world has no end, just this constant nothingness that continues day in and out without falter.

*sighs* I look back over my blogs in the past and too many of them face these moods. Why is it I feel like this more often then I feel really happy or content? More so recently as if it's getting worse.

In good news, we managed to see the fireworks from my front yard and I'm glad we avoided the fireworks this year. They had some nasty troubles in the city, some of the barges caught on fire and we've had some tough bushfire issues all weekend. Caused by this weird weather for the most part. It's hot, very hot, and it from some days it's completely dry, others it's wet, and sometimes it's the static of both barely raining, oppressive heat, that leads to lightning storms. I'm surprised we've not had many blackouts this year however although I should knock wood since it's just the moment we'll get one. lol

Anyway, so there you have it, a blog entry that is pretty meaningless ultimately. PS I think I'm going to shelve TDG again. I'm still struggling to read it. I'm not inspired by the characters and in fact I need to go back to the boards with Jake, he's not real and I don't much like him. It's all definately calling for a rewrite but not at the moment. Now I just have to figure out what or who is talking to me at the moment and get fired up and working on that instead.

Or maybe I'll just go back to Neverwinter Nights until I've finished clocking them all. I clocked the original campaign the other night and have made a firm dent on the first expansion.

I also must remember to get back to sleeping normal hours or at all. *grimaces* With my oldest going back to school on Wednesday I'll no longer be able to sleep whenever I reach exhaustion until I rise or the kids get too rowdy. Back to midnight curfew and 7AM alarm clock. Don't think I'll be able to enforce the midnight since I hadn't given it up, insomnia did that. I was still going to bed for midnight but would lay there unable to sleep.

Plus, I'm falling behind on my Daily Poetry Journal. This apathy could be a good mood to write some poetry in. Yes I know. I tend toward some dark stuff, just hope it's halfway decent.