Who Am I?

Confessions from an angry day

Entry 2 for 1/12/07

Today I am angry.  Didn't really wake up that way.  But at this point I would like to run away.  The fact that I have 2 sleeping children (I babysit to add to our meager income..this allows me to stay home, and that is my joy)  and that 2 more (my 10 year old princess and another child I watch) within about 5 minutes is not a good thing.  I don't feel patient.  I dont't want to deal with arguing and whining.

What am I angry about you ask? Are you sure you want to know?  If not, back up now because otherwise you are going to get an earful (or an eyeful as the case may be)

Well, for starters...the anniversary of my dad's death is this Sunday.  I'm moody and emotional anyway.  I'm not coping as well as I'd like and that makes me impatient and a bit angry.  But if you'd like to know more about that you can go read "The Void" another of my ramblings.

I'm angry, a bit, because of a carry over from last night.  I had a meeting at church.  I had to take both C and J because my beloved had an eye dr's appointment straight from work.  C and J (10 and4 respectively) stuck, in the nursery, by themselves, for 2 hours.  Can you imagine, even NOT knowing my children, how many interruptions there were?  The noise, the arguing, and the sweetness of J coming out, just to give me a kiss...almost made it worth it.  Now, I will say this and I will repeat it later.  I LOVE my church family. We live in a small town.  It's a close knit group.  But a very loving and welcoming group.  We've belonged to this church for 3 years (and prior to moving to Ohio 10 years ago-we rejoined when we came back)  Anyway....I am on the Worship Committee....when I agreed to be on the Worship Committee it sounded like fun.  And it can be.  And no offense to anyone on that committee...but it seems like we have discuss everything to death.  Regardless, new chairperson, new year, new things to discuss....2 HOURS LATER (the meeting started at 6:30 pm) I interrupted the meeting and said I had to leave.  It was passed J's bedtime and we hadn't had supper before we left because my beloved wasn't home yet either and so we opted for a late dinner...guarantee that won't happen next time.  Golly.  In the process of leaving I talked to our pastor and told him I didn't think I'd be at the planning/dreaming meeting tomorrow.  I want to be but don't have a babysitter.  He told me that he thought our nursery care coordinator was going to be there but to call the church office today.  Which I did.  On to my next vent.

Last Sunday, having known about this meeting coming up on Sat I asked the adminstrative council leader if there was going to be childcare.  After all, the memo I got asked for all committee members, planners and dreamers and I am a dreamer and a committee member and so is my beloved.  He said no.  I said, ok, guess I wont' be there.  He didn't really seem to care and that hurt my feelings but I let it go.  It's not that I expect anyone to provide childcare for me....but you prevent many people who might otherwise come from joining if childcare is not provided...not just me.  Well, last night when I told our pastor that I wouldnt' be there on Sat because of no childcare and he said there would be but to call and make sure...I told him what the admistrative leader had said.  He really didn't want any kids there, too many distractions, too much going on.  Pastor said to call and check and I did.  What I found out is that it's all going crazy.  I don't know if there is going to be childcare or not, the admin leader is not happy because the nursery person said she'd do it...and didn't ask him.  I don't want to cause trouble.  I'm hurt and I'm angry because it feels personal and whether it is or not doesn't matter right now.  I'm trying to be in prayer about it and handle it all the best and most Christian way possible but it hurts.  I don't HAVE to go.  But I want to go.  I want to be part of this vision of growth!  I want to work with our church in planning things and discussing how to reach the community.  I have a hunger to be there.  Do I submit to church authority and not go, giving in to what the leaders feel is best in regards to any children being there or not (which I do understand to a point) Or do I go in, following my heart and allow trouble to continue because there will be anger on all sides.  Stay tuned for my decision, I'm not sure what it will be.

Blessings,
V