Day by day, again

Hellish winter

I can tell right now that this winter is going to be pure hell. My joints are already giving me fits with 35 degree weather so when it really gets cold I will be some kind of pain. It makes me angry because the medication the rheumatologist put me on was helping ALOT. Now it feels like I am not taking anything. Shit...Shit....Shit!

I have an appointment with his PA next week for a follow up so I guess I'll have to wait and see what she says. I know one thing. My regular doctor suggested I see a chronic pain specialist as they can manage chronic pain better. I would only need something on those days when I want to cry. Like today. I hurt so bad I wanted to scream. Let it be rainy and cold and I sometimes I do cry. No wonder some people in severe pain all the time want to end their lives. It's a miserable existence to be in pain almost all the time. The worst part is the pain gets worse the older I get. Since none of us get any younger I shudder to think how bad I will hurt 5 or even 10 years from now.

The fatigue is also getting worse. I go to bed early most nights and still feel tired. Well it's either the rhematoid arthritis or depression. Maybe it's the depression. Although I am also on medication for that. Hell it seems a take a fucking pill for almost everything. That in itself makes you feel like a senior citizen. Sometimes I think about throwing every single bottle in the trash but with my dumb luck I would have a stroke or a heart attack that wouldn't kill me but make me worse off than I am now.

Now that is really a terrifying thought.