Four Winds Of Heaven

Chapter Five

Chapter Five

Hovering between sleep and wakefulness, Emily felt the bubble of intense emotion in her chest expanding. In the instant when her eyes opened and consciousness staked its claim, the bubble burst, spilling it’s ecstatic contents through every vein in her body. Her mouth split open into a wide grin. She took a deep breath, trying to contain the inexplicable joy pulsating through her blood.

“You okay?’ Laura asked, shifting her body so that she faced Emily.

“Happy.” she replied grinning, turning her gaze away from the bright soft white globe of the light fixture above the bed.. “My God. I feel so ridiculously, happy.”

“Good.” Laura said sighing. “Maybe it was your dream lover.” she added with a sly smile.

“I don’t know. I don’t remember dreaming about him.” But the memory of him brought a new surge of joy through her.

“What do you want to do today?” Laura asked, stretching.

“I don’t know. I just feel like going outside. Where ever you want.”
“Let’s go out for breakfast” Laura suggested.

They chose a small cafe a little over ten minutes from Laura’s house. Laura and Emily eagerly claimed one of the outdoor tables, thanks to the bright, warm day.

Emily bit into her cinnamon bun, her gaze focused on the lovely, petite church across the street. It held most of her attention throughout Laura’s monologue about Annie’s upcoming nuptials.

She was vaguely aware of Laura snapping her fingers in front of her face.

“Hello? Where are you?”

“You wanna go in?” Emily asked nodding her head towards the church over Laura‘s shoulder. Laura turned her head and then shrugged

“I usually go on Sundays to light a candle for my dad, God rest his soul. For my mom too.”

“How’s she feeling these days?” Emily asked.

Laura shrugged again in the indifferent manner that Emily was familiar with. It was Laura’s shield against her fear.

“The chemo seems to have done it’s job. We’ll see.” Laura took a bite of her croissant and quickly changed the subject. “So what are you gonna do with yourself when ya get back to New York?”

“Now that the play’s over, I guess I’ll hit the audition circuit again. Jorge wants me to come work at his restaurant.”

“The one who’s...” Laura made a titling gesture with her hand. ”that vay?” she asked using her best French accent.

“Yep, That’s the one.” Emily said with a smile.

“So what do you want to do after we leave God’s house?” Laura asked beginning to chew her straw.
“I wanted to pass by my mom’s house. If she finds out I’m in town and didn’t drop in to see her she’ll pull the mother of all guilt trips.” Emily insisted with an annoyed grimace.

“Not today, Em. Come on. She can put you in a bad mood tomorrow. Today we go see God, tomorrow I’ll take you to go see the devil.” Laura pleaded.

“Okay, so you’re gonna come with me?” Emily asked with a knowing smile.

“The woman hates me.”

“She does not. At least not anymore” Emily conceded.

“I’ll drive you to your mom’s then you can meet me at mine.”

“Fine, Fine. You all done?” Emily asked watching her noisily suck up the rest of her iced cappuccino.

There were a few old women scattered throughout the church and one loudly snoring old man in the back. A small gray fedora was in danger of sliding off his head.

Emily was glad there was no mass was going on. She liked a church’s atmosphere when it was near empty and quiet. It was only then that she could truly imagine God’s presence. Back in New York, she would sometimes sit in the stillness and just talk to him. When there was a mass happening, she felt as if she was in the middle of one of her productions. The church, a stage of ritual and prayer, distracting her from what she really wanted to talk to God about. When it was quiet, Emily could almost hear him, talking just to her.

Down the aisle, to the left of the church stood an impressive statue of The Virgin. Fresh white lilies hid her feet. A small iron ledge below the lilies held the white, fat candles in clear, glass jars.

“I’ve never seen that before.” Emily said studying the statue and candles.

“What?” Laura asked, following her.

“The candles being under the statue.”

“Maybe there’s a better chance of getting your wish with them closer to the statue.”

Emily shivered at the warmth lifting off the candles into her face, contrasting the coolness of the air conditioned church. Before she lit her matchstick, she looked up and studied the statue.

“You okay?” Laura asked warily.

“Do you think that’s what she actually looks like?” Emily asked staring up at the supposed face of the Virgin Mary.

Her face held a simple, loving but empty expression. Her blue eyes held no clue to the woman who was thought to possess them. Brown hair peeked out from beneath her blue veil.

“I don’t think so.“ Laura replied honestly.

“Remember that dream I had all those years ago, where she talked to me?” Emily asked her.

Laura nodded. “Remember? I still get shivers when I think about it.”

“She didn’t look like this. She had darker hair, almost black, I think, and black eyes. She didn’t look so pale either.”

“Well people just copy what’s traditional. There are no descriptions of anybody in the bible. Strange, ain’t it?”

Emily stared back up at the statue. No, nothing like her dream. There had been a vitality in the eyes of the woman in her dream that no artist could possibly capture. A knowledge born not only of the love that the will of God had brought her, but of the pain and cruelty that will had burned into Mary’s soul. A duality Emily had never seen in any painting. In her dream Mary had been a woman sharing hope and knowledge, not a saint spreading fortune cookie wisdom. Emily, smiled at the memory and finally lit her match stick. Offering a silent prayer she touched the flame to the wick. Please, guide me to the man in my dreams if he’s real. Take these panic attacks away from me. The same prayer. Every time.

The sadness swamped her without warning. Viciously, as if the grief was trying to choke the very life out of her. Emily bit her lip to keep from crying out but a heartbreaking moan escaped her and Laura placed a hand on her arm.

“What is it?” she asked, her voice thick with concern.

Emily couldn’t speak. Her throat felt swollen shut with the force of her sadness. Her friend began to rub her back as the tears came gushing out of Emily’s eyes in fat drops. Laura quickly pulled her to rest on the front pew.

“Are you having a panic attack?” Laura whispered, looking as if she was about to have one herself

“No....different.....oh god.....I’m so.....sad.” Emily buried her face in Laura’s left shoulder as the sobs tore violently out of her.

“I’m here okay babe?” Laura whispered soothingly. ”You’re not alone sweetie.”

Emily clenched her fists and tried to stop the over flow of tears by rubbing her eyes. Her breath came out in short, gulping bursts. “I feel like I’m dying.” she managed to choke out.

Both women jumped when a voice whispered above of them, ”Are you girls alright?”

“She’ll be okay.” Laura assured the elderly priest quickly.

“Can I help you dear?” he asked placing a reassuring hand on Emily‘s.

“No. No, I’m fine.” Emily insisted sniffling, which wasn’t a lie. The minute the priest appeared, all sadness left. Only her tear stained face testified to the grief she had felt only seconds earlier.

“What is it child?” he pressed, blue eyes soft with compassion.

“I’m okay now. Thank you.” she assured him standing up at the urging of Laura’s insistent hand pressing at the small of her back. Emily’s eyes fell back to the lilies at Mary’s feet.

A soft voice filled her head whispering for her to take one. She had heard it before, always thinking of it as some angel sent to calm her. Sometimes, Emily allowed herself the fantasy of thinking it might be Mary.

Feeling light headed, Emily reached her hand into the white flowers and pulled out a single lily.

“Let’s go.” Laura urged anxiously. She linked her arm with Emily’s and quickly dragged her towards the front door. ”Bye Father.” Laura called out pushing Emily out in front of her.

“Okay what the hell happened in there?” Laura snapped as she scurried down the church steps.

Emily shrugged and calmly followed, pressing her nose against the curved petal of her stolen flower.

“Why did you take that? And right in front of the priest?”

“Would you believe me if I told you she told me to?” Emily asked softly.

“Who?” Laura asked stopping her distracted friend at the red light.

“Betty Crocker.” Emily replied sarcastically. “Who do you think?”

Laura stared at Emily, cautiously. Emily could see the thought pop into her friend’s head. Not this again.

“I heard Mary’s voice.” Emily told her defensively, voice quivering.

Laura groaned and sat down on the curb, lowering her head on to up drawn knees.

“Are you okay?” Emily asked slowly.

“I’ll be fine.” Laura whispered, the crack in her voice betraying her.

“What’s the matter?” Emily asked, afraid she had finally lost her friend because of her mental anguish.

Laura straightened her spine. “I’m fine.”

“Don’t do that. It’s me, remember?”

Laura closed her eyes. “I’m so scared. I have no idea why.” she admitted giving Emily a crooked smile. ”Maybe I’m starting to get panic attacks.”

Emily sat down beside her. “Do you think I’m crazy?” She asked, studying the grooves on the leather straps of her sandals.

“Of course not.” Laura assured her quickly.

“Even after what I just told you? I heard her voice, Laura. In my head. Maybe I am going crazy after all.” Emily whispered, giving voice to her greatest fear.

“You are not.” Laura insisted firmly. ”Besides, better she talk to you then me.”

Emily laughed softly

”I know I’m gonna kick myself for asking, but what did she say?”

“A soft voice just whispered in my head, my special child, take one of these lilies home with you as a memory of this day.”

“What’s so special about today?”

“Beats the crap out of me. If I tell you something else, promise not to have me locked up on Queen street?”

“Let me guess. Elvis talked to you too?” Laura asked.

Emily burst out laughing and swatted her friends’ arm. “No.” she said, regaining control of herself.

“Okay, shoot.”

“I feel like something’s about to happen. Something big.”

Laura nodded, uneasy. “I know. That’s why I’m freaked out. I don’t know what it is but it feels like something‘s coming.” Laura shuddered and then shook her head. ”We’re just letting our imaginations run crazy.”

Emily nodded but didn’t fail to notice Laura’s trembling hands.


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