Mental Meanderings

Taking a Long Hard Look

I was writing my DWC entry today and started talking about the fact that I was still getting nothing in the way of NaNo inspiration. Somehow the entry lead towards a few home truths that made me realise that a lot of the time I'm very immature and don't take my adult life very seriously. I've grown up a great deal in the past year and a half since my marriage fell apart but I began reflecting on how much growing up I still haven't done.

I call myself a writer and yet I rarely take my career as seriously as I should. I struggle to find the self-discipline a professional writer must maintain. I cut myself far too much slack in a lot of areas in my life and rarely strive to be all I know I could be.

To tell the truth I cut myself short and in doing so I suppose I'm losing a lot of opportunities in life. I'm also failing to live up to what my life is capable of and that's a truly sad thing. I have a limited time to bring myself from hobbiest to professional and I really have to start taking myself and my dreams more seriously.

By limited time I mean that for the moment I have the opportunity, thanks to the way the Australian Government works, to stay home full time living on a single parent pension and raising my son. In two years he'll start school and that pension will be cut at least in part. You see they expect a parent to go out and get a job when they don't have to stay home to raise a young child. Most single mothers would have jobs and their kids in daycare in my position but I've been happy living on the minimum income the pension provides and the suppliments my writing offers. But when Josh starts school I need my writing to be paying a full time income rather than supplimental, or I have to get a 'real' job. One of those horrid 9 to 5 things that I know would kill my spirit and drag me into a hole I'll spend the rest of my life trying to climb out of.

Right now I have the opportunity to make my life's dream a reality. To go pro, take myself and my talent seriously, and make a full time career out of my writing. I've been letting myself down and giving into my whims and moods. I've decided as of today that just isn't good enough. I'm moving myself to the next level. I'm giving myself strict business hours in which I will focus completely on writing in all aspects be it research, editing, and the actual writing.

No longer can I allow myself to pike out when "it's too hard". I can't decided to just cut out for the day and not show up for myself. I have to consider this a REAL job and know that I won't get anywhere without being here, clocking on in the morning, clocking off in the afternoon. I can set myself hours that are shorter than the regular 9 to 5 and I have to be flexible to some degree but I'm tired of treating my career as a game.

From now on I'm going to seriously hunt for copy editing work. I'm going to submit for publication and write for publication and I'm going to focus on the novels I've wanted to write. Novels. Yes I'll continue with PPP but I'm going to keep to strict time limits with that and remind myself that while I love writing poetry my dream isn't to be a poet, it's to be a novelist. That means stepping up to the screen and getting the plots on the page instead of hiding out in the rhyme and meter.

I'm also going to take this new approach into my home as well. Too often I let it slide. I've not respected my home as I should and now I really do love and appreciate my environment when I don't care for it I damage my spirit, my joy, my love. My home deserves more respect than that. My family deserves more respect. I deserve more respect.

Today is a realisation, a reaching of clarity. From this moment forward I've grown. No longer will I resort to childish avoidance techniques. It's time to front up to myself and get my life together. It's the only way I can create a secure future for myself, and my family, and also be able to reach for the stars, for my goals, for my dreams. The rest of my life begins right NOW.