what matters and why

Tears in the Car

He cries about his socks. He doesn't have any that are "low" enough. The ones he is wearing are too bunchy, he manages to get out in between sobs. It didn't start with the socks, but that's where the breakdown has progressed to. It goes on, and eventually he calms himself. "I just can't stop crying," he says. He doesn't want to be out. He wants to be home, where he can openly express his emotions. He's looking in the mirror, making sure no tear stains are visible. His face is clear, but his eyes are sad. He avoids eye contact while he eats his dinner. I can only imagine what goes through his head after the breakdown is over. For him, it doesn't really end. His world as he knew it has been torn in half. The security he once knew has slipped away. And he's so smart. I wonder if what he goes through affects his ability to concentrate. If all his motivation is lost when the two people who he admires most can't manage to provide a stable life for him.

I could have stayed and the socks breakdown most likely would not have occurred. I could have tried, one more time, and instead of counting the hours that he spends with each parent down to each minute to ensure that it is equal, he would be able to combine hours and have us there together. I wonder where we would be now. It's hard, looking back, to recall how miserable it really was. Was it really, or was it that I didn't want to be with him so badly I exaggerated the situation? It's too late to go back, but I will always wonder. Same as I would had I chosen to stay.