Mental Meanderings

The eye of the beholder

*chuckles* I love that cliche because as a gamer "Beholder" has more meaning then to assume it's just whoever happens to see something. Beholders are a monster with multiple eyes and a body that also seems like an eye, a fleshy orb that floats in the air. They're generally the bad guys and pretty nasty to go up against. I've often considered either roleplaying or writing about a beholder who happened to be mostly innocent/good hearted and bumbling but seriously helpful and rather pathetic. I picture him doing all the can to be accepted but ultimately causing more trouble then it's worth. His acceptance comes simply because his heart is so pure.

Anyway, I didn't mean to go off on a Beholder tangent. Actually my topic was more the literal sense of that phrase. They say that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" and it really doesn't only relate to external beauty. Beauty can be found in chaos and order, indeed the order of chaos is a beauty to be seen. You have glass half full and half empty syndromes which are also eye of the beholder concepts.

Today I had the same kind of busy, not enough time, just want to write, RL gets in the way sort of day as has been going on all week. Today I actually feel good about it all. Part of me wonders if it was just the freedom of having my home back to myself today and the opportunity to BE home for the day without worrying my kids would get under the feet of the builders.

I don't think it's just that. Today my attitude shifted I suppose. I saw the beauty in the chaos of my life and the order began to appear. Things are moving forward and not getting to write today doesn't mean I won't be able to write tomorrow. Even writer's block isn't really any such thing. It's all about how you approach a situation.

For me I've gone months without being able to put word to paper. But it's not that I CAN'T write. It's that it's easier to choose not to. This has to do with waxing and waning priorities. I loose sight of my goals or perhaps just become discouraged by their distance. Other parts of my life move to the fore and my writing falls behind.

I have however decided as of a few weeks ago to no longer let my writing fall behind. Yes there are other important aspects in my life but my writing is now one of my primary and will remain so.

This morning I was talking to an ex-boyfriend and mentioning how I wanted to write but RL was getting in the way and he told me not to write then. That it was ok to let go of that. And I realised one of the reasons I broke up with him was because I lost sight of what I wanted when I was with him. He never encouraged my dreams. I decided to stop bothering to listen to him about that sort of thing. Writing means more to me then just words on a page. It's been my life long dream. There is nothing else I ever wanted from life but this.

Even my children, my home, my former husband, they were all sidetracks. Sure, I wouldn't go back and change things but ultimately these are experiences I hadn't focused myself upon until the moment they arrived. But writing? Being a published author? Changing the world with my words even if only a small part of it? These were my dreams long before I can remember dreaming. My earliest childhood memories contain this dream. It's imbedded in me and while I might go astray occassionally this is what I always come back to.

Writing is my center.

Opps, off on a tangent again. *chuckles* Back to "eye of the beholder". Anyway, I realised today that I was looking at it all wrong. I realised that I was feeling hard done by because I couldn't write instead of accepting that sometimes priorities change. My novel, my stories, my poetry will still be there when I can dedicate the time to them they deserve. This disruption is only temporary and ultimately so much good is coming from it.

The other point is I HAVE been writing. I mightn't have produced much completed material but the words are there. My blog, I've done some reviewing, kept up with the PPP and my emails. I've got pages of notes with idea concepts and lists of contests that provide jumping off points when I can sit down and produce new content.

So now I don't mind taking a break from the heavy duty of being a writer. I accept that being a homeowner and a mother take precidence today, and tomorrow, and for however long it takes to get the bathroom finished. However, because I'm a homeowner, and a mother, I am still and will always be a writer, an author. The writing is still there, and it will always be there, holding my hand through every stage of my life, my life-long friend and my security blanket.

From one view to another, glass half-full when it had been half-empty. It really is all in the eye of the beholder. So how do you CHOOSE to see the world, and your life today?