Blog On

Oops! It's happening again.

I unplugged the computer a few days ago,when we finally had some rain, with plenty of electricity in the air, and am just now getting around to getting it up and going again. Time really slips by, but I'm not having fun.

I forget about being bipolar, almost, until symptoms fall on me--it seems like they come from nowhere. I'm fine and then--POW! I'm experiencing a POW period: depressed, unhappy can't make decisions, nothing makes me excited or enthusiastic, tired of not being able to eat, and even lost interest in food. Ice cream isn't even a treat, and I'm tired of it. Bummer.

Last night I had to have a cry and insist to God that I could have been a good mother, if things had just worked out differently. I'm just having every kind of HALT symptom: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. I have an appointment with the psych doc next week, and this Thursday will have some structures removed from my mouth over the tooth-bone-adding procedure. I'll just be a week away from food then. It's terrible to admit, but I'm looking very much forward to 45 minutes of IV anesthetic. I know I'll feel better the rest of that day. They used to say that drugs were only a band-aid to fixing problems. That must have been before my diagnosis. Now, I depend on the correct "cocktail" of drugs to maintain just a normal attitude. What a crock, but it's my crock.

I'm thinking all sorts of fears, like what if my symptoms, like inability to concentrate, keep me from reading my Mexican history bookS so that I can tutor David in his history course. I'd thought about getting a seasonal job at Michael's or Target, as now is the time to apply. However, until I get to the back doctor, and get the right meds from him, I can barely maneuver around the house. Serious, really serious, neck and lower back pain from me deciding to go to a lower dose pain med. Probably having some withdrawal symptoms too. It was really stupid of me to do what I did, but I thought the pain med was causing my depression. Now I've got all sorts of pains and problems.

I'm seriously debating about applying for disability--after holding out for ten years, saying I wanted to be a producer for society, not one to take the resources that should belong to those in need. I'm in need, and I feel quite worthless, actually. The best thing, is that I KNOW this will pass when I get the right meds. Biding this kind of time is really hell. I lay in the den with the heating pad, in almost darkness, watching the kittens run and play, and remembering what it was like to feel like that--almost remembering. It's been a long time since I did a flip and wrestled with a pal.

I ordered a contemporary music CD for the first time this millenium, and am only moderately pleased with it. I like the music, and love the lyrics, but Ray La Mantagne's voice--well, I find it kind of irritating. But there's a line in one of the songs, something like, "everything that made you happy, now it all brings you down." Shoot! Maybe I'm depressed enough to write again. I've been so blah-bland that I haven't felt at all creative. I got the CD because of "Trouble" from American Idol. Now, I'm checking on the computer to see if I happened to save that song from, shoot, can't think, old what's his name, the winner.

Mom's taking me out to eat and fetch a new frame for my almost broken glasses. A lense cracked by the screw, and it's about to fall out of the frame. I've been praying over my lens, that it would hold on until the replacement was ready. I've had this set of glasses three years, and this is the first time I've actually worn my glasses all the time. Fading eyes will cause different behaviour, like deciding to see instead of worrying about vanity.

Got to go get decently dressed. It's ONLY in the upper 80s, and the weather is so pleasant for a change. Perhaps outdoors will improve my attitude.

Oh! Also plan to put up a sign at the pet store to advertise kittens. Now, I can't decide which to keep. Wanted to keep "Stella," "Nells" look-alike. But the little white male, "Fella," is the most affectionate. He's taken over the old cat, older than him cat, "Emily's" house space. He even crawled up into the bed to sleep with me last night. I live for the sound of "purr...."