what matters and why

and I love him

and I said what I wanted to say. Amazing after what I've been through I am still capable of hurting so deeply. The assumption was that after my eight year marriage ended, I had nothing left. No feeling.

In such a completely different way, I am dying inside. Someone who touched me so deeply but can't remain a part of my life. While I realize intentions were good, what started as something incredible ended horribly. But I wonder... ended? How do you love someone so much and let them go?

"What is it you want from me?" I said, but no answer was needed. It's not what he wants from me, but what I need from him. Something he can't offer because of circumstance. Out of his control? Debatable. But not my place. If I recall correctly, there was a vague response. Vague... a word that could be used to describe the last four months. We keep our distance. Keep conversations to the minimum.

I don't require intense affection. The best thing about this last year is that I have experienced independence, something I needed so desperately. But what now?

You love someone, more than anything. But a lack of availability allows for very little intimacy. Even the mornings. While amazing, something was lost.

And I love him. I don't know that feelings will change. I love him like the way I was supposed to love my husband, who left me because my affection was not deep enough. and now I have that, I feel that. But there is nowhere to go. He is perfect, he is all I ever wanted, with that one exception.

"If you loved me, you would let me go," I said. I don't know if I mean what I say. I know that it has to be said. But let me go? If that's it, then my only option is to let go as well. And my biggest concern is whether or not I can handle everything that goes with that. And him? I don't know if he really knows how much I love him. But to say that now would be irrelevant. I want out, but I love you? More than I have ever loved anyone. But what i s love when you can't express it?

And I will move on. I will pretend that I'm okay. As will he. I'm sure that eventually, we will recover. But forget what we had? Not for a long time,