Bloggin' Umholtz

Kidnabbed!

Okay, first…nobody panic!

Yesterday, I received a packet of confusing email messages that through some stealthy and thorough investigation I determined came from my niece Karen.

It appears my niece has been kidnabbed. No I didn’t spell it wrong. The word kidnapped has been spelled wrong and I’m attempting to correct it. Let’s break it down. First there’s “kid”. Now while this word is most often used in reference to young goats, it has over the years become firmly ensconced as a way of identifying children of the humanoid kind also. Any resemblance between the two is purely coincidental, I’m sure. It could be said that at twenty something or other, my niece is no longer a “kid”, but since I just turned fifty she’s still a kid to me. Nap involves sleeping or doing something strange and probably illegal with leather. It has absolutely nothing to do with spiriting someone away against their will. The word “nab” means just that…so kidnabbed it is. But I digress.

The emails themselves were somewhat garbled and included several code words which I believe were purposely included for us to use in locating the “kid” and rescuing her. I turned the emails over to our local cryptography club and they have been diligently working on them down at Moe’s Fine Eatery (where the Yoo-Hoo is always cold). At present we definitely know the following:

Karen, aka, the kid, is my niece.

There you have it. I feel this is a good start and am sure that in no time we will have rescued “kid” from her evil kidhnabbers.

The cryptography club, aka, Skitch, Goose, Little Jim, and Moe (of Moe’s Fine Eatery where the Yoo-Hoo is always cold) have deciphered several of the word clues.

Holla – Little Jim feels this is a Northeastern PA word meaning…hole, as in, “Hey Stash, dere’s a holla in da bottom of da boat!”

Moe, on the other hand believes it is an expression of surprise as in “Holla guano, Batman, did you see that!”

Skitch and Goose believe it is a simply a round plastic hoop worn about the hips. It is said to have strange hypnotic powers causing the wearer to sway from side to side.

There are of course, other clues.

There’s the photo of “kid” in the evil clutches of a Californis type “dude”. Based on his “shades” (It appears they have been surgically attached to his face), it can only be said he has the look of one determined to commit evil and nefarious deeds. Little Jim says, “Don’t worry, Joe. He’ll never know what hit him.” Did I mention Jim just bought a crossbow?

In addition several of the kidnabber’s accomplice’s names appear throughout the emails. They include:

Sally
Oscar
Dora
Alma
Jose
Liz
Juan
Boob
And somebody named Puerto Escondido

The general consensus is that, that horse’s pa-toot, Sally and Californis Dude are the ringleaders. Obviously, Boob can’t spell.

There are other code phrases, such as “estoy aqi” and “uno café” which leads us to believe that “kid” is being held in the storeroom of a Chili’s restaurant. This restaurant evidently is located on water.

There’s the code phrase yo cansada. This one is easy. The restaurant is in Canada.

And then there’s the phrase “boogie board”

Jim says it’s like the wall down at Moe’s (where the Yoo-Hoo is always cold) where everybody flicks their boogies. When I pointed out that what were flicked were boogers, Jim simply added that a boogie is an immature booger that was “picked” before its time. Orson Welles would be appalled.

Moe says, “No way. We’re talking disco!” You should see him strike his John Travolta pose. (it also explains the disco ball at Moe’s. (where the Yoo-Hoo is always cold) We were speechless... Jim flicked a boogie against the wall.

Then there’s “manana” which we all agree is a misspelling of the word banana.

One other detail has just come to light. Apparently the kidnabber, aka Californis “dude” is pregnant.


Let’s recap.

Karen is my niece.
She has been kidnabbed.
Her kidnabber is a nefarious Californis type dude and his aforementioned accomplices
Californis Dude is pregnant
Karen’s being held in a floating Chili’s restaurant.
The restaurant is in Canada
The restaurant has a wall covered in boogies
Boob can’t spell
And somebody is bananas

Any idea who that might be?


PS Don’t worry Karen, The boys are loadin’ up da boat as we speak.
We will find you. Canadensis isn’t that big.

We’ll be leaving as soon as we get the holla fixed.