The Dharma Force

My China Stuff Part 4

Friends!

Every time I went back to China, I would always meet with my friends there.

I really only have 3 friends there, two from middle school, and one from high school. They used to be my buddies, pals, brothers ... well one sister.

Our bond is the lost innocence of youth.

It is definitely a strange way to look at it. When I first left Shanghai, my first priority was writing to my wife, (Who was just my girlfriend then.) But occasionally, I would write to them as well, and rarely, they would write back.

When we had finished colleges, and went into the real world, the writing had completely stopped. Only through my wife, I knew where my friends were, and how they were doing.

Every time I went back to China, I would have at least one visit with all of them. Sometimes a dinner gathering with all of them, sometimes, just causal café meetings with them separately.

We never had much to talk about. Our worlds are so different now, there was almost no common ground between us anymore.

My best buddy, Wang, was a business man and consultant in the telecommunication market. It sounded nicer than what it really was. He was a sub-contractor, a go-between of the customers and the construction crews. His business usually took him away from his home in Shanghai. I did not even see him on this trip. He was away in Beijing busy with a new company he created with some of his friends. But he made a thick 40 CD copy of his favorite Chinese Opera collection and sent it to me.

Yao, the second guy, was my little brother. Actually, he was older than me. But in my mind, he was always like a little brother to me. He just got divorced. It was not his ex-wife's fault, he was a womanizer. It really pained me to give him that definition. But he was not a very good person. He lied to his family, cheated on his wife, was indifferent to his son, and seduced a girl 10 years younger than him. I told him that in 10 years, he was nothing but a dirty old man who was penniless. If we had not been friends for 20 years, I would not even talk to him. In all definition, he was a scumbag. But ... he was still my brother, one of my best friends.

It really pained me to see his life was a dead end of a dark alley. He got no money, and a not very good job. He lived alone now, in a little one room apartment. Even though his girlfriend seemed to love him, her parents had already seen him as who he really was, and had forbidden her to see him. But of course, out of defiance, the girl saw him anyway. It was probably just a youthful crush for her, nothing more. All of his life was just an illusion, castle on sand, and the tide was coming. But he did not know that. He refused to acknowledge it.

On my last visit, Wang and I spent a couple hours trying to reason with Yao. In the end, Yao acknowledged that everything we said was true, and yet, he would not change. I could see the despise in Wang's eyes. Even though Wang had his own vices, he had never imagined that anyone could abandon his own family. At that moment, I found another link between Wang and I besides the golden thread of our friendship.

I was really amazed at the indestructible bond between Yao and I. I silently listened to his rant of how he was wronged by everyone around him, when in truth, only he wronged others; My wife and I even went to his birthday party, knowing that he just wanted to show his girlfriend that he still got friends.

After the party, my wife and I walked for a while in silence. Then finally, she said, "You owe me one." I nodded, "Yes, I am sorry. But you know, I don't have many friends ... And besides, we only meet once a year."

I don't know what will happen to him in the future. I dared not imagine. But still that thread of friendship was there.

The girl among my friends, Qiao, was never married. She was the head of a branch of a huge mail-order company. She was the most successful of us all. Wang, Qiao, my wife and I used to be a very tight group in the middle school. Our seats in the classroom formed a little square in the corner so we could talk in class. Ms. Lu (our math teacher) used to threaten to break us up all the time, because our talk would be so loud that she could not teach anymore. Then in high school, both Qiao and Wang went to different high schools while my wife and I remained, but our bond was still there.

When my wife and I got married, Qiao's contact with us faded to almost nothing. My wife was very envious her actually. A successful career, master of her own time, tons of free time to pick up yoga, reading, and other stuff.

When we contacted her on this trip, she offered to take us to different restaurants every week. My wife was shocked to find that she was trying to read a book in ancient Chinese.

"Look at her, and look at me now!" my wife said, "Of course I am envious." I smiled and said nothing.

But in truth, I think Qiao was envious of my wife as well. A vibrant family, someone to talk when you got home. Innocent, happy, cute kids. Somehow, Qiao lost the opportunity to start a family when she was struggling to make to the top. I was not a very observant person. Well, OK, my wife said I was slow as a snail and dumb as a door knob.

However, I knew for a fact, Qiao never liked the class on Ancient Literature when we were in school. I could not imagine how bored she must be that she would try to read that book!

Qiao had changed over the years, just like all of us. Her eyes were sharp as hawks now. One glance of you, she could basically summarize you up. How nice a person you were, how much you worth, and most importantly, what class of a person you are (politician, business man, worker, bottom feeder, scumbag ...). That was a necessary skill if you want to be a manager, especially a girl trying to make it in a man's world. But with that cold sharp analysis, she had seen too much, and left nothing to imagine and to romanticize.

Think about it. Everyone has faults, shortcomings, bad habits. None of us are saints. We all have wants, lusts, greed. When you see a person in that light, always in that light, how much more do you want to know about him.

She had wrapped a cacoon around her. She did not have friends among her co-workers. They either fear her as their boss, or they would not make friends with her because they wanted her position. She could not make friends outside because most of people she met wanted something from her. She could not make friends with the people who did not want anything from her, because they were usually big bosses like her. They had all the pride and arrogance associated with responsibility. And pride and arrogance were definitely poison of any relationship.

Even her old friends from middle school and high school could not be friends with her anymore. It was simply because of her position. Some of them were jealous of her status, and some of them wanted favors from her.

All she had left was us. My wife and I. Two tourists from outside. Old friends, would not want anything from her, and visit here only once a year. She could finally relax among us, talk of whatever she wanted, and she would not be afraid of it reaches the wrong people.

The last haven for her. I was very shocked to discover that. My wife wanted to introduce her cousin to Qiao because she might help him in his business. I said no. I did not want to taint that last piece of haven for her. We are just friends, nothing less, nothing more.

In the end, time changes everything. The buildings will come and go. Fashion will come and go. People will change while they come and go. Memories will separate. The good ones will sink and stay, the bad ones will float and drift away.

But I have my treasures. My friendships with them will stay.