No Assistance Necessary

No Assistance Necessary Part III

XIII
Positive Steps.

“What are you trying to do? Close us down!?” Dr Kolling yelled at Johann. They were sitting in Doctor Kolling’s office discussing Tasmin’s transferal to the new ‘Johann Pienaar Clinic’.
“It’s not about this clinic, Doc. It’s about saving lives and Tasmin’s life here is not getting any better. I appreciate everyone’s efforts. I realise you do the best that you can here with what you have, however, I am in a position to do better for Tasmin, or at least I have more means than you do.” Johann paused.
“Yes, exactly, for a man of such means, I should say you’ve done a pretty good job of maintaining your health through the government. Were it not for people such as yourself, perhaps our means would be greater?” Dr. Kolling barked.
“That’s not fair and you know it! I’ve come here for treatment, granted at no charge, so that I can be in a better position to help more people who genuinely don’t have money, giving them a modicum of hope! Coming here is like resigning yourself to a death penalty. It’s not your fault or your staff’s fault. It’s the government not awarding enough money to medical care for the masses of people who need it! I am going to do what I can for these people. I am offering the equivalent of a private service, for a minimum once off charge to HIV / ADIS sufferers and to children with cancer. I wish I could offer more than that but I have to charge something in order to be categorized as private. Now in Tasmin’s case, here is an eight year old little girl whose only hope is me. Should this clinic know of a bone marrow donor that matches with Tasmin, and she happens not to be first in line throughout the whole country, then, guess what? Tough luck for her hey? Well I won’t allow that to happen to her. She wants to get better. We need to encourage her to do that, not explain why she can’t be moved from here and create more negativity. My clinic can do what yours can’t! It’s as simple as that. And while we’re about it, I don’t want to be in competition with you, in fact I would very much like to work together with you. If you won’t take a well paid position in my clinic, then at least let’s work together and try keeping the children with cancer and the HIV / AIDS patients out of your clinic. Send them to mine. The government can spend the money saved on other areas of illness at this clinic. Overall, more people will be receiving much needed assistance! Can’t you see what I’m trying to do here? I’m trying to help!” Johann was red in the face. Thrusting his fists into the sofa he sat on.
Dr. Kolling chuckled wryly.
“Johann, instead of the money we receive at the moment here at this clinic, being used to treat other areas of illnesses, as you put it, the government will just allocate less to us when they find out HIV / AIDS patients and sick children are going elsewhere. Do you really think you’re doing a service here? It will eventually close us down. Currently the bulk of our allocation goes on HIV / AIDS treatment. Really Johann, they will just take that off us.”
“No they won’t! Because they still have to offer a free service to those people who don’t have the once off fee to pay at my clinic. That’s why this can work Doc. Don’t be so stubborn about it.”
“Ok, Johann. Look, I commend what you’ve achieved. I will help in any way I can. I will send you those patients who have access to the fee and the children too, but please understand, I have to remain here myself. There are a lot of people here who need me and would not comprehend me leaving. However, I will be available to you for appointments at the going rate, should you need me. How’s that?”
“Thank you. I appreciate your understanding here, really I do. And thank you for your time.” Johann felt his way to the door. Dr. Kolling rose from his desk.
“Don’t worry Doc. I can manage this passage by myself now. Oh, and just one more thing I’d like you to consider and give me your answer when you’re ready”
“What’s that?” Dr Kolling asked suspiciously.
“Can I have Rosie please?” Johann gently pulled the door closed on Dr. Kolling’s voluminous curses.

Later that afternoon, when Tertia arrived, Johann filled her in on the conversation with Dr. Kolling. Tertia smiled; satisfied things were going as planned.
“We’re up and running now Johann. Advertisements have been placed in all the medical publications. Announcements have been made. Everything’s paid for. Most of the staff will be starting on Monday. Still two loose strings though...”
“Which are?” Johann enquired.
“Well, we still need a chairman and a Hospital Administrator”
“Oh, Tertia, this again! Can’t you see? I’m the chairman. That’s the reason I’m getting healthy. You’re the hospital administrator okay?”
“Johann, I can’t do that, I have my own business to run as well, or have you forgotten? Besides every time I ask you this question, I get a different answer!
“Tertia, there will be people to assist you. I’ve been talking to some ex-colleagues. I have a lady starting on Monday who was a hospital administrator in the U.K. She knows her stuff. How to do it and the only reason I’m naming you as Hospital Administrator and not her, at this stage, is that once you have familiarized her with the costing structure and conditions on patient in-take, then you can decide for yourself where you want to work on a daily basis. Personally, I think you would derive quite a lot of satisfaction out of working with the sick. You have that gentle, loving, nature about you.” Johann finished sarcastically.
“Consider yourself lucky that you’re an invalid Johann, if you weren’t I would have just made you one” Tertia looked at him sitting in his chair. “How are you feeling Johann? Are you better than you were?”
“I am feeling surprisingly well, darling! I’ll let you in on a little secret. For the past two days, I have been able to see through my left eye. Not properly!” He said sensing Tertia’s excitement. “It’s very hazy and I have difficulty focusing, but when I try really hard, I can make out shapes, colours, see people coming in, things like that. So, Yes! I’m feeling a bit more positive about things right now.”
“Oh that’s wonderful! So we’ll be able to take you to see the clinic soon? When will they let you out of here do you think?”
“I’m not sure, Tertia. It’s not just my eyesight that’s the problem; there are other issues they have to fix up first. They can’t seem to get my T-cells back up and are trying various different cocktails. Until they come up with something that stabilizes me – I think I’m stuck here for a bit. But I’m sure they’ll let me go out for a visit”
“Johann, lets move you there, please? I’d feel much better knowing you were in proper care”
“I am in proper care, Tertia. These people have looked after me from the start of this thing. Moving now might not be an option. Let’s just see what happens.”

Tertia had left. The light was fading. Johann was looking forward to supper when Elizabeth surprised him with a late visit.
“Hi, Johann. Just thought I’d nip in to let you know that Elize has phoned and an appointment has been made. I’m seeing your parents and Elize at nine ‘o clock in the morning. I’ll probably spend about two hours with them. Afterwards I’m going to suggest they visit you. Do you think you’ll be up for it?” Johann let out a heavy sigh.
“I suppose I can make myself ready for it, now that you’ve let me know. Really, thanks. I appreciate what you’ve done for me here. I hope they don’t give you too much of a hard time.” He managed a weak smile and dropped his head back against the pillows.
“You’ll feel better once it’s out the way. I promise you. Get a good night’s rest. I’ll see you tomorrow ok?”
“Ja. Thanks” Johan murmured as she left.
***
XIV
Business Arrangments?

Johann was awakened early by Tertia. Struggling to fight off the fog of sleep, he grumbled as he lifted himself up. Tertia plumped up his pillows and apologized for her early visit.
“I have some time this morning and none this afternoon, so I thought I’d stop by now and let you know that we’re moving Tasmin into your clinic tomorrow. We’ve sent out a radio appeal asking people to visit the clinic and have a bone marrow test done, free of charge by the way, in order to find Tasmin a match. Hopefully, a match will be found quickly, I believe she’s not doing so well at the moment?”
“No, she isn’t. I’ll pop over and visit her this afternoon. You haven’t told her I own the clinic have you?”
“No. We’ve said nothing to her or her parents. I was hoping you would tackle all of this today, hence the early wake up call”
“No problem. It will give me something else to do while I’m waiting for Elizabeth to break the good news on my excellent health status to my parents and sister.”
“That’s happening this morning?” Tertia ignored his sarcasm.
“Ja, no big deal. I’m just dreading my parent’s reaction to this. That generation’s understanding of HIV/AIDS is equivalent to our understanding of people having died from ‘consumption’ whatever that was. Actually, what time is it now?” He found himself suddenly nervous.
“It’s er, eight-thirty. What time are they arriving here?”
“Nine. Listen, what time do you have to be back at the office?”
“Latest eleven. Why? Need me to hold your hand?” Johann heard the humorous lilt in her voice and grinned.
“Actually, I would like you to stay. I want you to meet them. Do you mind?”
“Jeez, Johann, I can’t say these are the best circumstances, but if you want me here, I’ll stay.”
“Good. I’d like them to meet my fiancé” Johann cringed inside as he said this.
“Sorry?”
“My fiancé?”
“My word. Johann! What romance! I could never have fantasized over a more perfect proposal of marriage, and I must say, what a catch you are!”
“Ok, I’m sorry. I should have told you what was on my mind first. Thanks for the compliment by the way. I do realize I’m an excellent catch. Let me guess. You are aware of my strong physique, my current powers of observation, and let’s not forget, I have an extremely high and active libido. Oh yes, I drive the women round here crazy, let me tell you!”
“Ja, I can just imagine!” Tertia said, laughing.
“Seriously. Tertia. I didn’t want to shock you. I’ve been thinking in terms of a business arrangement y’know?”
“Oh God. Stop! I can’t handle the compliments Johann.”
“You misunderstand me. Sorry. That doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings for you…”
“Well there’s a bonus! Now, how can I refuse?”
“Stop it now! Please! I’m tying myself in knots here aren’t I?”
“Definitely”
“Tertia. I don’t know how to thank you for standing by me through this last couple of years. I realise that you are a healthy woman with vibrant hopes and dreams for your future. I know you will one day meet a man who will be everything I’m not and go on to have a wonderful happy life. However, I don’t have too much longer to go, I’m sure. The best way I can say thank you to you as well as secure all our hard work, would be for you and I to marry. You will inherit everything I have including, of course, the clinic. That way, I can rest in peace knowing that the clinic will still exist long after I am gone. What do you say Tertia?” Silence infused the air.
“Tertia?” Johann asked carefully. Still nothing.
“Tertia, I understand it’s probably not your ideal arrangement. You can say no if you want?” More silence.
“Well, I suppose that will have to be my answer then hey?” Johann sighed. The silence was broken by a loud, wet, sob, followed by a low moaning sound. Johann leaned forward. His brow creased as he fumbled across the bed feeling for Tertia’s hands.
“Y’know, Johann, If only…” Another teary outburst, more wet sobs.
“Oh Great!” Thought Johann. “I’ve forgotten a woman’s sensitivity and now I’ve offended her. She doesn’t know how to say No” Tertia composed herself, loudly blowing her nose on a tissue.
“Johann, you have no idea...” She sniffed. “How I’ve blocked out the fantasy of you and I one day being together. But HIV is such a strong, dangerous reminder that it should never happen. I’ve become accustomed to ignoring my feelings for you. Now you ask me to rekindle these emotions and agree to marry you, with losing you completely, to look forward to?” She sniffed again. This time Johann found her hand. He squeezed it gently.
“The first time I saw you, I fancied you! I’ve shared your fantasy of being together, Tertia. I’m sorry if I’m causing you pain. I’m asking you for a lot. Can you do this? Will you do this? Should I get down on one knee?” Tertia gave a small chuckle and blew her nose again.
“I can see the benefits to this mad scheme of yours. I, er, I’ll accept your proposal.”
“Atta’ girl!” Johann beamed. “Thank you. I owe you everything, and you will in fact, receive it.” He chuckled.
“I’d rather trade it all in for your health.”
“Can’t undo what’s already done. Sorry.” Johann patted her hand smiling.
“Now then Tertia, first task is for you to amend my will, making you my beneficiary. Then you can choose a wedding date that fits in with your calendar.”
***

XV
Reactions

While Johann and Tertia made wedding plans. Elizabeth had led Mr. and Mrs. Pienaar along with Johann’s sister Elize, into Doctor Kolling’s office. When everybody was seated and introduced. Elizabeth took stock of each of the Pienaar’s in turn starting with Mr. Pienaar. He was a tall, robust, distinguished looking man with a wiry build. Defined muscles indicated the strength still resident in his body. His hair was mostly gray with a smattering of black at the temples running to the nape of his neck. His weathered face housed wizened eyes the colour of a good brandy. Concern and pride were reflected in those eyes as he glanced at his wife beside him. In direct contrast to her husband, Mrs. Pienaar was a petite woman. The beauty of her younger years was still apparent. It was obvious she took care of her body, still firmly shaped. Hair the colour of honey clipped up onto the back of her head, leaving wispy trails framing her small features. Soft blue eyes, containing fear and confusion looked out at Elizabeth. Elize was a rounder, sturdier version of her mother. She had inherited her father’s eyes. She sat arms folded, exuding an underlying anger and bitterness. Elizabeth took a deep breath.
“Can I organize coffee or tea, anything?” She offered.
“Nothing. Right now, I’d prefer to get this out the way so we can see our son.” Mr. Pienaar shuffled uncomfortably in his seat. His wife grabbed at his hand and held on to it tightly.
“Sorry.” She said softly. “Jan is a bit uptight. We all are, actually. Please. Call me Hettie. Let’s begin?” Elizabeth relaxed and launched in to an involved explanation of HIV and it’s progression into AIDS.
“Are you trying to tell me my son’s gay?” Jan interrupted, ignoring the lengthy medical explanation.
“Good grief, No! Not at all.” Elizabeth looked at him quizzically then entered into a detailed explanation on the contraction of HIV and its total disregard for sexuality.
“So, overall. You’re saying that Johann could live a normal healthy life?” Hettie asked hopefully.
“On close monitoring of the virus, a proper eating plan, regular testing along with the relevant precautions, there would be no reason to suggest otherwise. However, Johann has shown a complete disregard of these guidelines, choosing instead to deal with HIV in his own way. Unfortunately, I think he’s resigned himself to the fact that the virus will outwit him and is instead, planning for his death, as opposed to his future. Consequently HIV has advanced at quite a rapid rate through his system. This condition is irreversible. This brings me to his current state of health. I have to tell you a couple of weeks ago he was brought in here blind.” Elizabeth saw the shock register in each of their expressions. “Doctor Kolling diagnosed the condition as temporary.” Elizabeth continued. “And Johann has, in fact, regained partial sight in his left eye. We expect this to improve with time. It does seem though, at this stage, that he may not retrieve the sight in his right eye. He is currently on antiretrovirals and a cocktail of various other drugs which have helped tremendously with his health. Doctor Kolling’s report this morning suggested that Johann could be released within the next week. He therefore has a good prognosis at this point in time. Do you have any questions?” Elizabeth concluded.

Elizabeth spent a further half hour with Johann’s family. Reassuring them and answering sporadic questions. When these dried up, Elizabeth stood and offered to take them through to Johann. As they all rose, she remembered how Johann’s father had walked in tall and proud. He was now leaving her with the impression of a somewhat smaller, broken, old man.

The small party followed Elizabeth down the passage. Elizabeth cocked her ear and grinned hearing the distinctive sound of Johann’s deep belly laugh, floating down the passage. She showed his family into the ward, indicating several chairs scattered around Johann’s bedside.
“Good morning, Johann.” Elizabeth said brightly.
“Your family’s here to see you.” Johann pushed himself further up in his bed and concentrated on focusing through his left eye in the direction of the doorway.
“Hi, Ma, Pa, Elize? Grab a seat! Perfect timing. This attractive lady you see here, is Tertia, she is my right arm and as of a couple of hours ago, my fiancé!” Tertia knew a fleeting moment of panic as she stood and shook hands with Mr. Pienaar, then Mrs. Pienaar and finally Elize. Murmuring “Nice to meet you.” She turned to Johann, picking up her briefcase from the floor.
“I really do have to go. So sorry to appear rude. Johann has kept me here all morning. I’m running so late….” She trailed off, realising she was babbling. Colour stained her cheeks. Nervous discomfort prickled her skin.
“It was nice to have met you. I’m sure we’ll meet again.” She smiled. Bending over, she dropped a kiss on Johann’s unprepared lips and marched out of the ward. Elizabeth too, mumbled apologies and a hurried “See you later” to Johann and left.
“Pa. Are you holding a gun or something? You’re chasing all the talent away.” Jan walked around the bed and occupied Tertia’s recently vacated seat. Great wracking sobs broke out from Hettie, who had tried, in vain, to control her emotions at the sight of her emaciated son.
“Hettie. Asseblief, dis genoeg.” Jan addressed his wife sternly.
“Ma, Please. Don’t worry. I’m better than I look. I’ve just got engaged and I’m quite happy and content with the way my life is going. I know I appear selfish, not thinking of your feelings in all this. But I promise I’m still going to make you proud of me. Just wait and see.” Johann beamed out at them, hoping he could make them believe he was as happy as he sounded.
“Apparently, they’re going to look at releasing you from this place,” Jan said looking around, wrinkling his nose.
“Sometime next week, we will collect you. Then you will come home with us. We’ll make sure you recover from this Johann. Your mother will look after you properly.”
“Pa. That’s not what’s going to happen...”
“Don’t argue with me. That is what is happening Johann. I’ve just spent an hour listening to a woman try to tell me that my son is going to die. Wat se Kak is daai? I won’t have it!”
“Pa! Listen to me. I have a say in the way I live my life! Elizabeth has explained to you that I have contracted HIV. Everything she’s told you is correct. I have my own plans about the way my life will end. There is nothing you can do to change my mind or make the HIV go away.
Sorry Pa. You will have to let the information you have learned sink in and accept it. Until then I don’t want you here upsetting everybody including me!” Johann’s temper was up. He regretted the words almost as they were uttered. His mother started a fresh round of sobbing.
“Tell us your plans Johann. What’s going on?” Elize said, breaking the tension.
“With pleasure” Johann settled back and began his explanation. He told them about the clinic he’d built, how it was funded by himself. He told of the shareholders, the subsidizing and the paperwork that Tertia had waded through to ensure its ongoing privatization. It’s ultimate assistance of HIV/AIDS sufferers and children suffering with cancer.
“It’s almost like I contracted this virus for a purpose. A purpose that became clear to me after my first few visits here. Do you understand?”
“It sounds to me like you have put a lot of effort into this project” Jan said distractedly. Jan then leant forward and put his head in his hands. Elize stared at her father’s obvious anguish.
“From what I understood of Elizabeth’s explanation, if you had put as much effort into getting well, as you have into this clinic, we wouldn’t be here right now.” Hettie stood up. Pushing her chair back against the wall.
“Jan? Elize? kom ons moet ry.” She said this softly. Taking two steps to Johann’s bedside, she bent down. For a second, Johann could clearly make out the soft features of his mother’s face. She kissed his brow, ran her hand gently through his hair. Comforting him as she had so many times when he was a child.
“Ek’s lief vir jou, my kind” Jan stood and grabbed Johann’s hand. He squeezed gently.
“Laat ons weet as jy uitkom hoor?” His voice was throaty. He suddenly sounded tired. Elize dropped a cursory kiss on his cheek.
“Sien jou later.”
“Give my love to everyone please? See you all soon ok?” Johann called after them. He couldn’t see them nod back at him. He was left in silence.
***

XVI
All In A Day’s Work

Johann lay back feeling, strangely, like a child caught stealing. “Guilty” He thought. The situation with his family could have been handled better. He sensed their disappointment at him not wanting to fight for his life. They would not appreciate that he would rather fight for the lives of others. But then, why had he thought they would have condoned that anyway? He was part of them and he was throwing that in their faces. Depression tickled the outer layers of his mind. He decided to lift his mood by thinking of his impending wedding instead. This thought barely had chance to blossom when a commotion outside the ward distracted him. He recognized Rosie’s voice.
“Hey, Wena! Stop. You can’t just walk in there.”
“Do not tell me what I can or can’t do. It seems the policy round here dictates anyone can do what they like!” The angry female voice made its way toward Johann’s bedside.
“Just who do you think you are? How dare you arrange to have my daughter moved without mine or my husband’s consent? I demand to know what you think you are doing?”
“Please Mrs Adamjee” Rosie implored from the doorway.
“It’s ok Rosie. Thanks. You can leave us alone. Mrs Adamjee is it? I am so pleased to finally meet you. My name is Johann Pienaar and...”
“I know your name. My daughter has mentioned how much time you spend together, which is exactly why I’m here worried sick about what your intentions are.”
“Please, take a seat. There is no need to be angry. Let me explain. I am sorry I didn’t contact you earlier, I meant to. It’s just been such a busy morning so far.” Johann ran his fingers through his already wayward hair. After ten minutes of explaining his position, Johann, for the second time that day, waited earnestly for a response.
“Why do you want to do this for Tasmin?”
“Because I can!” was Johann’s irritated response.
“You want us to be indebted to you for Tasmin’s life? What do you really want?”
“Good God woman! Would you rather have Tasmin die over a matter of useless pride?”
“Isn’t that what you are doing to yourself?” She snapped in response. Johann had to think for just a moment.
“This is different. I have had a good life. I contracted HIV through my own stupidity. I would at least like to see Tasmin have the opportunity to experience her own mistakes, of which I’m sure there will be few, if her mother is anything to go by.” Johann sighed heavily. He leant against the pillows, which, he thought abstractedly, needed to be plumped again. Mrs. Adamjee began a low chuckle. By the time Johann registered this, it had turned into weeping. “Will every woman who visits my bedside today, laugh and burst into tears!” Johann felt his frustration rising.
“Look, I’m sorry; I’m having a day straight from hell here. Help me out; er… tell me your name?” Johann asked gently.
“Roshanda. I’m sorry.” She sniffed, trying to regain composure.
“I – I can’t believe you would do this for us and not gain anything by it. We want so much, for her to come home a healthy, happy little girl. The length of time she’s been here, we were beginning to doubt that this dream would ever come true. Dr. Kolling himself has explained that her chances of living would depend entirely on time. How long it would take to find a matching donor.”
“Look,” Johann interrupted. “I can’t promise anything either. What I can do is promise you that whatever amount of money it takes to find the matching donor, will be paid in order to save her life as quickly as possible. I would, therefore, appreciate your permission to move her to my clinic, where the process can at least begin. I’ve discussed all of this with Doctor Kolling. Now do you really think he would agree to all this if it didn’t mean Tasmin would stand a better chance? By the way, you are more than welcome to stay at the hospital with her for as long as this takes. What do you say?”
“Thank you, is what I should have said when I first walked in. Rosie did try and explain. I was just so furious that someone else other than her parents would have the audacity to make such a decision for Tasmin. I will stay at your clinic with Tasmin, when I can. Thank you once again.” She stood up to leave. “If you don’t mind me saying, you look awfully tired. I would have liked my husband to meet you today, but tomorrow will do. Would you mind?”
“No, not at all. I look forward to it. For now though, please just sign the release forms that Rosie needs in order to let Tasmin leave. You can even take her to my clinic yourselves if you like? Please just one thing I ask. Don’t let Tasmin know it’s my clinic. At this rate I may see her there myself.”
“No – No, I won’t do that and yes, we would like very much to take her there ourselves. Once again. Thank you. See you tomorrow.”
“Cheers” Johann replied drowsily.

Johann arranged his flat pillows flatter. Shuffled down into the bed and lay on his side to sleep. Drifting ever so lightly into a slumber he was suddenly jolted awake again.
“Mr. Pienaar. You must take a walk, you didn’t see Tasmin today. You have done nothing all day except lay here. This being lazy, is no good. Come on, let me help you up.” Rosie chattered at him.
“Rosie. Go away! From laying in bed today I have managed to get myself engaged. Told my family I’m going to die and calmed a furious woman whose child’s life, I am trying to save! Let me sleep a bit please!”
“How! I didn’t know these things. Shall I wake you later?”
“I’ll wake up when I bloody well wake up ok!” Johann yelled, knowing he would have to apologize for it later. Rosie exited with an angry “Aish!”

He found himself in a brightly lit, white room. The room was completely empty except for a brand new rag doll. Its black hair styled into pigtails which tapered into large red, sewed on bows. He was sitting cross-legged on the floor, staring at the prostrate doll. Absently wiping at drool, which it seemed, he could no longer contain in his mouth. From somewhere the strains of Annie Lennox’s ‘Little Bird’ could be heard. He continued to stare at the doll. His mind was content. He felt himself childishly happy and wondered if the drool dripped due to the continually gaping grin he felt on his face.

“I look up to the little Bir-ir-id, that
glides, across the sky.
He sings the clearest melody; It makes
me want to cry-y-y.
It makes me want to sit right down and
cry, cry cry” -

The door opened and Tertia walked in wearing a doctor’s coat. There was no greeting. No friendly smile. She stood looking down on him. Shaking her head, she asked, “Still haven’t managed to pick up the doll yet? She will die you know? You have to pick her up soon. You’re responsible for her, remember?”

- “I walk along the city streets, so
dark with rage and fear,
And I…I wish that I could be that bird
and fly away from here
I wish I had the wings to fly away
from here” -

Tertia knelt in front of him. He looked up at her. From somewhere, she took a tissue and dabbed at the drool still freely flowing from his mouth. “What are you going to do with her?” Her face had clouded, she was yelling into his vacant stare.

- “But my,my I feel so low, My, my,
where do I go?
My, my, what do I know? My, my, we
reap what we sow.
They always said that you knew best,
but this little bird’s fallen
out of that nest now.” -

He picked up the doll. Taking in the stupid detail of its face, the painted fake smile and the bright button eyes. He looked at Tertia. A smile was slowly spreading through her features. “Well done!” She rested a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “I don’t want it!” He suddenly screamed, throwing the doll across the room. “It’s not my responsibility!”

- “For I am just a troubled soul,
who’s weighted…
Weighted to the ground. Give me the
strength to carry on.
‘till I can lay this burden down.
Give me the strength to lay
this burden down, down, down, yea”-

Tertia stood up. She walked to pick up the doll. Johann stood too. A feeling of relief washing over him, comforting him, making it curiously, easier to breath. Tertia walked back to him. She slapped him, hard, across the face. Then, Tertia was gone. In her place, stood Roshanda Adamjee.
“How could you throw her away like that?!” She was yelling at him. Tears, streaming down her face. Her eyes blazed with anger as she raised her hand to slap, again, again, again…….”
***

XVII
Tick – Tock

“Mr. Pienaar! Please wake up now.” Rosie was shaking him awake. “I’m so sorry, but you have to take your tablets. Sit up now.” Johann woke feeling panicky, clammy, confused and un-rested. He took his tablets, wide-eyed, trying to piece together the broken fragments of his dream.
“Thanks Rosie. Tell me, how is Tasmin?”
“I think you must get out of this bed and go and see for yourself!” Rosie stood hands on hips, foot tapping.
“You want me to help you up?”
“Ok. Ja, I’d like to speak to her” Johann threw his legs over the side of the bed. The return of partial sight to his left eye had helped tremendously in assisting him with moving around. He noted with shock, however, the muscle wastage in his legs, giving the appearance of chicken legs. He wondered at the vision of himself and realised he hadn’t seen himself in a mirror for over a month. He chuckled to himself at the ‘catch’ Tertia had landed herself, then stood wobbling on unsteady legs for a moment before Rosie, clamped a strong hand under his arm and slowly lead him along the corridor to Tasmin.

Johann arrived in Tasmin’s ward to a hustle of activity. Rosie deposited him in front of a chair then rushed off abruptly. Roshanda was packing clothes and personal items from the small bedside cupboard into a small valise. Roshanda turned at Johann’s entrance and spoke quickly to her husband before greeting Johann.
“Hello Mr. Pienaar.” She smiled as she rose. Johann was reminded once again of her elegant good looks and remarkable height.
“This is my husband.” She motioned to her side. An equally tall man stepped forward with a broad smile, showing brilliant white teeth. He was, Johann supposed, a handsome man. A shock of thick black hair, neatly trimmed, with grey flashes at the temples. Large clear, intelligent eyes, brimming with merriment looked out at Johann. He extended his hand to Johann.
“Ashtar!” He introduced himself. Johann resisted the urge to say “Bless You!” He gripped Ashtar’s hand, recognising a firm, strong handshake.
“Johann Pienaar. Please, call me Johann.” Ashtar nodded, still grinning at Johann.
“My wife has told me all that you have done for Tasmin. We are indebted to you; I can not express my gratitude to you.”
“Well, let’s hang on a bit yet. I’ve promised to do all I can for Tasmin to help her recover, however the success will ultimately be determined by a matching donor. I hope one is found soon. Speaking of Tasmin, where is she?”
“Oh,” Roshanda stepped forward. “She’s with Doctor Kolling, he’s taking her final blood tests before she can be released. We’ve decided to take her out tonight, you know? Somewhere like a nice restaurant or steakhouse. It’s been such a long time since she was outside this place. Then we’ll admit her into your clinic in the morning.”
“I see.” Johann said. He felt the energy seeping from his body. Not used to being up and about anymore, his body was objecting to standing for such a long period.
“I was hoping to see her before she left.” Johann heard the disappointment in his own voice and held on to the back of a chair, looking for support.
“Why don’t you go back to your bed? We will bring Tasmin to see you before we leave here.” Ashtar suggested. Johann looked up at him thankfully.
“Let me help you.” Roshanda took Johann’s arm and guided him back to his ward.
“Thank you.” Johann sighed as he sat on his bed. “Listen,” He said, grabbing Roshanda’s arm before she could leave.
“I’m going to take a nice long bath. I will probably be about half an hour. Please don’t leave without me saying goodbye to Tasmin?”
“No, of course not. Don’t worry. She wants to see you too.”

Johann shuffled his way to the communal bathroom, praying, as he did so, that he would find it unoccupied. God was listening today. He undressed as he waited for the bath to fill. Standing right up close to the mirror, he examined his reflection as best he could. His once, brown, close cropped hair, had lengthened. Apparently, bored with brown, it was now pure white. He noticed, with growing depression, that he could see his pink scalp through the thinness of his hair. Standing in front of him, was a balding, white haired, wrinkled, skinny image of his former self. He stood closer still. Examining his blind eye, he noticed it had gone a thick, bluey colour which reminded him of cataracts. A direct contrast to his other eye, which still held the blue / green colour, but, consistent with the blind eye, had a thickish appearance. Or was that just his partial sight? Laying back in the hot bath he thought of his parents. What a shock they must have had seeing him. A part of him registered relief at being more or less blind. The expression of shock that must have registered in his father’s face, was, he imagined, not something he would like to take to the grave with him.

As Johann lay soaking in the bath, a sense of peace washed over him. He remembered earlier days, enduring constant panic and terror at what would happen to him. Worrying over his inevitable medical decline and the mountains of paperwork he’d had to complete to ensure an operational clinic in his name. The fear of admitting his status to his family and their subsequent reactions had knocked constantly at his mind. He understood a lot of “what if’s” had been answered. Perhaps his mind was preparing his body to die? He looked at his body floating in the bath. He saw his shrunken member tickling the water’s surface.
“Oh, if only I’d been more careful, worn a condom! I could still be living my life right now. Damn it! I had a good life! I enjoyed my life. I want it back!”
“Too late now” A voice from deep inside his head answered his unspoken thoughts.
“You had ample opportunity to live life sensibly with HIV. You were shown the way, but you had to be stubborn and develop hair-brained schemes to save the world, but not yourself. And now you regret it.”

“No! I don’t regret it. I’m happy with my choice. At least I haven’t withered away to nothing feeling sorry for myself. I have achieved something! I will be remembered to those that matter to me and hopefully more. I’m only sorry I did this to my own body. That I blasphemed God by allowing HIV to taint the vessel he sent me here in. But perhaps, this was his purpose after all? I’ll find out soon enough. I can feel it, eating me alive, depleting my energy bit by bit every day”
A knock on the door, brought Johann out from his reverie.
“Mr. Pienaar?” Called Rosie’s shrill voice.
“Ja Rosie?”
“Tasmin and her family, they are going to leave now. You want to say goodbye?”
“Ja, Rosie, I said I’d be half an hour.”
“Yes, well, you’ve been in there for an hour now!” Johann stood quickly, creating small tidal waves of water that spilled over the edge of the bath and sloshed onto the bathroom floor. He was frightened by the speed at which his time was being eaten.
“Give me two minutes.”
***
XVIII
Sharper Edges

Tasmin was bright eyed with excitement. The prospects of being released from this particular clinic, a night out with her family and being admitted into a new clinic, that may find a cure, were brimming out of her. She chattered away to Johann about the new clinic. Squinting, his sight allowed him to see that her hair had grown out a centimeter or two. He had been right, she did suit being bald. She reminded him of a doll his sister had had as a child. He also noticed the same muscle wastage in Tasmin, which he had recognized in himself earlier. A familiar pang of sympathy for one so young to experience in some way, the things he himself was going through, washed over him.
“See, I told you, you will get better Tasmin. See how it helps to think positively?”
“Ja! I know. Can you believe it? Doctor Kolling said in a year from now, I won’t even remember being here ‘cos I’ll be too busy with school and stuff y’know?” Tasmin replied with some importance.
“And he’s a Doctor, so he should know.” Johann grinned.
“Do you think they’ll let you come to this other clinic as well? They can fix you too y’know? Rosie says this other clinic can fix anyone.”
“Oh, does she now? I don’t know if they can help me Tasmin, but I tell you what, I’ll be positive, like you were, and maybe they will take me there.”
“I’ll say a prayer every night! Mum and Dad are waiting for me in Doctor Kolling’s office. I should go now. I’ll see you soon won’t I?” Tasmin jumped off the chair and planted a kiss on his cheek. Johann taken aback, found himself unable to answer. Instead he nodded as he saw her shape go running happily through the door.

Johann slept well that night. By the time Tasmin had left, he was exhausted. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so emotionally and physically drained. In the morning, he was relieved to find himself feeling largely rejuvenated. Rosie arrived with his breakfast. He was fascinated at her continual routine; putting his breakfast tray on the table trolley, sliding it over his bed, asking him to sit up while she wound the head of the bed up and plumped his pillows. Full of her usual banal chatter before she trotted off and did the same thing for all the other patients in the same ward. When Rosie collected his tray he told her how this routine made him feel.
“Rosie, y’know, if I had my life over again, I think one of the things I would avoid most in life, would be anything to do with routine. Don’t you realise how precious each moment in life is? How you never get that moment back again, no matter what you do? Why do we succumb to society’s dictation of our daily lives?
“Because, Mr. Pienaar. We all need money to enjoy the few hours that belong to us. To get this money, we have to perform a job, the same job, everyday, every week. This time we spend earning money is not ours, it is our boss’s time, and it makes it easier to spend when we are doing the same thing. This routine, as you call it, helps us not to think of how we are wasting our lives.”
“Well I just think that’s tragic! Is that really how you feel”
“Mr. Pienaar, we all need to get money. Some of us are lucky to have a job that we like to do. I think I am one of those people, but that doesn’t stop me wishing I had more money, that way I would have more of my own time. Surely, you must know this feeling? If you had made money in your life, Mr. Pienaar, you wouldn’t be laying here now would you?” Rosie smiled as she left the ward.

Johann picked at his breakfast. He was conscious of the fact that he hadn’t had much of an appetite the last couple of days. Rosie took his tray with a frown and a raised eyebrow.
“Elizabeth is here. I’ll send her through.” Rosie left, eating his leftover slice of toast.
“Morning Johann, how are you feeling?”
“Ah, that would be with my hands” Johann smiled wickedly, taking in her blurry features for the first time. She was young, although not as young as her voice had hinted. A figure that looked worth running his hands up and down and blonde hair that spilled about her shoulders with the sides taken up in a top knot.
“Oh, ha, ha, well, I have something for you that may allow you to see the world, and yourself, a little clearer. Here, try these on.” Elizabeth handed Johann a pair of glasses and a copy of the day’s Newspaper. Although he couldn’t clearly see them, he felt the thickness of the glass and slipped them over his ears.
“It’s heavily magnified glass, along with the prescription that your left eye currently has. I’m hoping you will be able to see a bit better, or at least read with them?” Johann blinked several times; his eye adjusting to the assistance it had been given. He pulled the newspaper towards him. A slow smile spread across his face.
“Ja, I can read the headlines. The smaller print is a bit of a strain, but I can battle with that. Thank you, Elizabeth. You have truly made my day. I’m going to spend it reading the newspaper. Good God! I’m excited about reading the newspaper, how tragic is that?”
“I’m happy that you’ve started appreciating the more trivial things in life. A couple of weeks ago you didn’t. Now then, Doctor Kolling and I have been having a little chat about you.”
“Oh, great, and what have the two of you conspired to do with me?”
“Well, we would like to discharge you. Johann, you must understand at this point that your health is as good as it’s going to get. Your “suppressor T” cells have stopped your B cells from doing their work, namely, the manufacturing of antibodies. You are beginning to show the symptoms of AIDS. At this stage all you can do is try and eat properly. Stay away from people with colds and flu’s, drink lots of water and take your tablets religiously. You will, at this stage, be prone to opportunistic infections and you can become ill from them.”
“Just tell me what I’ve got to look out for in the next few months. I don’t want to spend what little time I’ve got left, living in fear of what I might develop.”
“Well, once you enter the severe symptomatic phase, you may experience symptoms such as a persistent cough, chest pain and fever, ongoing diarrhea, headaches, fits and other neurological conditions, memory and concentration loss, cancer, spots on the skin and mucous membranes, enlarged liver or spleen, sores on the genitals and anus, etc. It’s not a pretty list Johann, but at the moment, you are as good as you are going to get.
For this reason, we weren’t sure discharging you was a good idea, but we agree. You should go and see your clinic, take some pride in what you’ve achieved. Go and marry Tertia, let her make you comfortable and who knows?”
“Die at home?” Johann finished.
“I won’t tell you that’s not going to happen Johann, maybe die in your own clinic?”
“Hmmm”
“I wanted you to be happy about being discharged. I’ve asked Tertia to fetch you at lunchtime today. She’s sent apologies, she’s tied up today, but Rudi will be here to collect you and take you home. You must surely, be looking forward to going home?” Johann stared at Elizabeth for a long time. Home. It was a different world from this place. He barely remembered what it felt like, but then, he wasn’t the same Johann who had lived there either.
“Yes, Elizabeth, Thank you. I’m looking forward to going home.”
“Good. I’ll be popping in from time to time, just to check you’re ok. But I’ll ring you first ok?”
“Ja. Thanks again.”
“Cheers for now, enjoy the newspaper.”
“Ja, cheers”
***