No Assistance Necessary

No Assistance Necessary Part II

VII
Tasmin

“Shhhh! He’s sleeping. Don’t wake him. He doesn’t know he’s bleeding.” Johann’s eyes flickered open. He couldn’t move. He lay on his back and squinted into the darkness. He saw no-one. He was surrounded by solid blackness. Closing his eyes again, he waited. A feeling of nervousness had overtaken him. He knew it was impossible for him to move but he couldn’t remember why.
“Has the bleeding stopped?” A voice whispered in the darkness. The cool, constant breeze enhanced the feel of sweat on his brow. He remembered there was nothing he could do about it. He felt he was in danger, but weren’t these people here to help him?
“Yes. It’s stopped. He can stay here until his turn comes.” Johann struggled to identify the voices, male? Female? He didn’t know.
“I’m not sleeping!” Johann suddenly yelled. “Who are you?!”
“Mr. Pienaar. Relax. We thought you were asleep. Are you feeling quite comfortable?
“No! I’m not! Why can’t I move?”
“Mr. Pienaar, you know you are paralyzed, you haven’t been able to move since you’ve been here.”
“How did I become paralyzed!? Why don’t I remember? Tell me!”
“You came here for help. This is where you wait your turn. Relax. You’ll be fine.” The voices faded away. Johann opened his eyes in frustration and anger. A pale moon shone above him in a dark, starless sky. He rolled his eyes to the left, fear spread through his body and mind like fast running water. He rolled his eyes to the right. Sobbing he stared back at the moon above. Here he lay, on the tarmac of a parking lot, placed squarely between the white lines. He saw his neighbours on both sides, blood oozing from eyes, nose, mouth and ears. Both neighbours had stared back at him. His own fear mirrored in their eyes. As he looked to his left again, taking in the bloated, fetid, diseased man in that bay, wondering how long he had been here. The man turned blood filled eyes on Johann and said in Rosie’s voice. “Don’t worry; they take good care of you here!”

Johann woke to the sound of his own whimpering. The usual heart palpitations and sweat streaked face actually filled him with relief. He held his head in his hands as he remembered not only this dream but the previous one. At least, in the first dream he was apparently floating above the parking lot, this dream had put him on it. Did this mean he was close to dying himself? One thing he did realize the dreams were telling him, he was trapped. He could do nothing about the process he was part of. The dream seemed to say that Government healthcare was akin to death. Strangely enough, it wasn’t himself he was worried about. He was concerned for all the other patients in here with him; on the parking lot, waiting for, either their turn to be treated or, to be run over by death.

Friday arrived. Johann had felt depression peeping around the corner at him these last two days. This morning, he bathed, dressed and perched himself on his bed waiting for Dr. Kolling to discharge him. He had a large agenda to get through this week and he hoped Tertia was going to be ready for him. Impatient, he got up and strolled downstairs to Rosie.
“Good morning Rosie! I’m being discharged today aren’t I?”
“Yes, Mr Johann. Dr. Kolling is running late though, so I don’t know what time you can go.”
“Damn! How long do you think he will be?”
“Well, if he hasn’t got to you by midday, then you are here for another night.”
“Oh Lord! Please no. Listen. I’m going to visit Tasmin for a while. If Doc. looks like he’s ready for me, please call me?”
“Yes, Mr. Johann. You men folk are all the same. You think I’m here to run up and down after you all day! Rosie do this, Rosie do that, Rosie help me here, Rosie tell me……!”
“Whoa!” Johann interrupted Rosie laughing. “If it means anything to you at all, I really appreciate the way you’ve taken care of me. Besides, we all know you love it! You’re a credit to nurses everywhere Rosie.
“Aish! Stop talking this nonsense! You making me embarrassed! Shoo, Shoo!” Rosie flapped her large hands at Johann. Dismissing him and laughing with obvious pride.

Johann was pleased to see Tasmin sitting up in bed. She was still attached to a drip and machine of sorts but Johann ignored these.
“Hey there Big Girl! How’s the new blood treating you? I expected to see you hopping around here like a cricket!”
“I want to, but they won’t let me yet.” She gave Johann a big grin.
“Well they’re letting me out today. I thought I’d come and tell you, just in case you came looking for me. I still have to come here twice a week, so you better practice your blackjack for Tuesday’s and Friday’s. I’ve got to go and earn some more money, so I can keep paying your winnings!”
“I hope there’s no gambling going on in this clinic. You know I’d have to report it!” Dr Kolling stated authoritatively from the doorway. Johann and Tasmin shook their heads sheepishly at him. Johann turned and winked at Tasmin.
“Are you ready to see me Doc?” Johann asked.
“Yes. Let’s go take a look at you. Maybe you could be home in an hour”
“Good Luck, Tasmin” Johann bent forward and dropped a kiss on Tasmin’s forehead. “I’ll see you soon.”
***
VIII
An Abandoned Life

“What do you want to look at this place for? It’s a dump!” Rudi asked Johann through the rearview mirror. Johann smiled.
“Ah! Introducing Rudi, the Doctor and more recently, the Estate Agent?”
“Come on? I mean, just look at this place?” Rudi waved his arms panoramically. Johann did just that and visualized the future.
“If it’s what I’m looking for, it won’t be a dump for long Rudi. I’m going to renovate it and turn it into a private hospital.
“You sold all your investments to build a hospital?”
“That’s right”
“In Alexandra?”
“Ja!”
“Now I know you’ve lost it!”
“Rudi?....”
“Ja I know! Just drive, hey?”
“Uh-huh”

Johann felt the tingles of anticipation and excitement in the pit of his stomach. He told himself not to be too positive. This was the third place he was looking at. The first two had been disastrous. Tertia had taken him to view them, he’d felt such elation at finally beginning his plan only to have his hopes dashed as soon as they’d pulled up to the sites. This one sounded like it had potential. It had started life as a Hostel back in the early 1980’s. The apartheid era had given birth to many such buildings. Home’s away from homes for black male labourers working daily in Johannesburg. Not being allowed in those days, to live in Johannesburg, Hostels had been built in the outlying townships. This one, in Alexandra, was apparently still in reasonably sound condition. Completely empty, bar the obvious squatters. Johann was one of the few people interested in purchasing the land. He was in competition with a few property developers that had an eye to turn the hostel in to a Town House complex. If the place suited Johann, he would beat them all to it and pay cash immediately.

Rudi pulled up in front of the dilapidated building. Johann felt a cold hand clench his heart and squeeze. It’s the building in my dream!
“Do you wanna take a walk around?” Rudi asked, turning to look at Johann.
“Ja…. Ja, let’s do that.” Johann replied somewhat vaguely.

Standing in front of the building, Johann looked up. There were two floors. “A third will have to be built.” he thought. Hopefully, the structural walls could take another floor. Otherwise it was perfect, essentially a square building, nothing fancy. He estimated approximately forty rooms a floor, as it stood at the moment. Once renovations had taken place, it could be more. The area surrounding the building was perfect. At the moment it was in the middle of a ‘veld’, a vast stretch of open, unkempt field. He could see the ground would have to be cleared. Rubble, broken beer bottles, plastic carrier bags and mounds of broken furniture, littered the veld. Once this had been done, he could turn the soil and plant lush gardens around the building. This would certainly improve the dismal view. Walking closer to the entrance about a hundred meters in front of him, amongst the weeds underfoot he was surprised to feel asphalt. He stopped and turned to Rudi.
“Can you work out where this asphalt starts and finishes? Mark the boundaries for me?”
“Sure!” Rudi said and set off back towards the car.

Johann continued on to the entrance of the building. Just before entering, remembering his dream. His eyes climbed the tall, ominously dark building, coming to rest at rooftop. There was nothing there.
“A sign could certainly be put on the roof.” He thought smiling to himself. Walking through the entrance into a dim, broken down reception area, the stench of stale urine and beer assaulted his nasal passages with a burn akin to ammonia. Johann took a tissue from his pocket and covered his nose as best he could. He kicked away broken chairs and empty picture frames revealing a badly damaged slate floor. Broken pieces of slate lay scattered everywhere. A passage ran to the left and right of the reception area. He took the left first. Walking along the passage, mice, rats and other pests scuttled under doors. The gloom at the bottom of the passage deterred Johann from walking further. He tried the handle on the first door he came to, it opened. Remnants of a poverty stricken life were there to be seen. A black and white photo of a family hung crooked in a tatty, red, plastic frame on the far wall. Johann walked across to take a closer look. An old African man smoking a pipe was seated on a three legged stool. Next to him, an African lady beamed showing a grand total of two yellow teeth, one at the bottom and one at the top. A row of three children knelt in front, two larger, grinning young girls, around seven or eight and a girl of about three or four, stood in the middle wearing an eternal sulky expression as she clung to a rag doll. Johann took in the rest of the room, trying to imagine which one of the people in the photograph must have lived here. There was a sodden single mattress in one corner of the room, its stuffing oozing out of split sides. Sheets of what looked like music were scattered across the mattress. An old bedside table with a broken leg and a split top leaned on one side next to the mattress. In the far corner, covered with cobwebs, was an ancient, dry, cracked guitar. Johann looked at the guitar, his imagination hearing the echo of a forever lost talent, left a great well of sadness in his heart. In the middle of the slate floor, a square foil container held the dregs of many melted down candles. Johann looked up at the ceiling and saw bare wires sprouting from a hole. The other side of the room revealed a cracked porcelain sink. No longer affixed to the wall, it was balanced on the floor. On the wall where the sink should have been, there was a half moon sliver of mirror. The acrid smell of urine was unbelievably overpowering. Johann turned towards the door to leave. Hung on the back of the door was a grey duffel bag. He saw a yellowed corner sticking out the top and pulled it out. It was an envelope addressed to a Mr. P. Matebane. Johann held the envelope firmly, looking again from the photograph hanging on the wall to the sorry looking guitar. He slotted a finger into the back of the envelope and opened it. The letter was dated 20th February 1986. It was from a Municipal office in Johannesburg informing Mr. P. Matebane I.D No. 260302 9639 071, that with regret, he was to vacate the hostel at the end of February 1986. Johann looked sympathetically at the old man in the photograph. Carefully, he returned the letter to the duffel bag and closed the door behind him.

Johann completed his walk around. Not wanting to open the door on any more ghosts and their stories, he checked the building from a structural point of view and was satisfied that this was the place he would buy. The bright sunshine attacked his eyes viciously when he returned outside. He stopped, fumbling for his sunglasses. Looking up, he saw Rudi had marked the section of asphalt in front of the building. Johann was pleasantly surprised at the size of it.
“Guess what!” Rudi called, seeing Johann.
“Go, on?”
“This asphalt goes all the way round the building. It’s even bigger at the back. Come and take a look!”
Johann followed Rudi who was marching off at an excited pace. On arrival Johann could clearly see the asphalt parking lot. The weeds had grown tall but had not taken over completely. He stepped backwards, looking up as he went, waiting for the top of the building to come into sight. “Yes! There it is!” He thought excitedly to himself. There was the huge sign on the top of the building. Now a faded Coca-Cola sign board. Johann knew this was the building he’d been shown in his dreams. This must be an Omen, good or bad, he didn’t care. Johann grinned and shouted across to Rudi.
“Phone the agent and tell them it’s sold. We’re on our way!”
***

IX
A Family Issue

“Tertia. Please! Don’t give me problems. Give me solutions. I want someone out there as soon as possible. I have to get this project completed! Don’t you understand that I want to see it?”
“I Know!” Tertia spluttered. “But Johann, it’s been raining for three weeks. The building company can’t work in the rain! It doesn’t matter which building company it is! Just try and have a bit more patience, Johann, please?”
“Alright! Alright! How is everything else coming along? Have we got all the Trustees signatures?”
“We’ve got everything under control Johann. The only people we don’t have are a Chairman for the board, which once again, should be you, and a Hospital Administrator.”
“I’ve told you.” Johann growled. “I want you to be the chairman!”
“Stop yelling at me Johann! I am not a shareholder and cannot be the chairman”
“None of the board are shareholders at this point Tertia, they are all appointed by me and I want to appoint you as chairman. Why are you so stubborn on this?”
“Because! A Chairman has to be a shareholder, Johann!”
“Well in that case, I’ll give you shares. Just for God’s sake, get the ball rolling!”
“Are you ok? You seem awfully strung out Johann. You know you shouldn’t be under any stress, it’s not good for you. Why don’t you go away for a…”
“Tertia! You have more important things to be thinking about!” Johann interrupted rudely. “I’m fine. Talk to me tomorrow and tell me where you are.” Johann dropped the phone and put his hand to his head. The pounding there was getting worse. Three days now and no amount of tablets had alleviated the constant thumping rolling around inside his head. The phone rang again and thinking it was Tertia calling him back he snapped it up and rather curtly answered.
“Hello!”
“Johann? It’s Elize. How are you?”
“Elize! Well! What a surprise! Er… I’m fighting a rather nasty headache at the moment, but otherwise ok thanks. How are you and the family?” Johann was caught off guard. Elize, his sister, very seldom rang unless it was to invite him to family occasions. Birthdays, Christmases, weddings and funerals, other than that, they rarely kept in touch. A quick mental calculation told him he hadn’t seen his parents or brothers and sisters for approximately ten months now. It was easy to keep them at bay. He had been a busy executive with plenty of excuses to put off visits. Ten months ago however, he had driven to Pretoria and informed them innocently of his decision to resign and move into real estate as an investor. They had questioned his timing but otherwise seemed perfectly happy with his decision to leave the ‘rat’ race. Now, he realized, it would be more difficult to see them. He was aware of his weight loss, around twelve kilograms, since they last saw him. His face had become drawn, pale and haggard. Occasionally he sported a lesion. These, he quickly covered with women’s foundation. A tip Tertia had convinced him he would use.
“What do you think?” Elize finished off. Johann’s thoughts had been drifting while Elize had been bringing him up to date with the family news. She had obviously asked his opinion on something.
“What was that Elize? I think there was a break in the line there for a moment.” Johann lied.
“Dad’s birthday?……On Sunday?….. We want to get together and pay for him and Mum to go to Umhlanga so Dad can go fishing. What do you think?”
“Oh...Oh! Ja! Of course! It’s a great idea. Yes!” Johann was floundering.
“Do, er, do you need me to be there on Sunday?”
“Well Johann!” Elize exclaimed. “Since it’s almost a year since you’ve deigned to come and visit, I would hope you would want to see us all. Don’t you want to?” There was a concerned lilt to her voice.
“Of course I do! I just don’t have my diary in front of me. Never mind, I will be there. What time should I arrive?
“Great! Around 11h00 ok?”
“Ja, sure! Thanks Elize”
“Oh and Johann?”
“Ja?”
“You could bring a girlfriend if…”
“Thanks Elize. See you then.” Johann ended the conversation abruptly.

He flopped into his lazy-boy arm chair and wondered what he was going to do on Sunday when faced with the onslaught of questions as to his state of health. His head pounded away furiously. He gritted his teeth in anger, got up, strode over to the bar area and pulled out a bottle of Chivas. He grabbed a crystal tumbler and flopped back into his lazy-boy. Glancing around for the remote to his sound system, feeling blessed that it was, for once, within arms reach. He pressed power, a C.D whirred into place. The soothing strains of ‘Moby’ began. He turned it down a notch, although barely audible and began to drink.

Oblivion finally came. Johann had fallen asleep on his stretched out lazy-boy unaware of his resonant snoring.

Tasmin was running up and down the newly decorated passages. He called to her.
“Tasmin. You’ll get cold! Come here. Put your dressing gown on!” The frilly ends of her nightdress flapped cheekily at him as she went around the corner with no reply. He quickened his pace to follow her. As he rounded the corner into a passage way, bathed in blue lighting. He saw Tasmin quickly reaching the end of that passage. She turned and giggled. Pointing a finger at him, she disappeared around a corner into the next passage. He broke into a trot and rounded the bend. This passage was dark, dilapidated and windy. He slowed down. With no sight of Tasmin, he opened each door, calling her name and glancing in at the empty rooms. Paint was stripped off walls. Loose electrical wires buzzed. Panic rose in his chest.
“Tasmin!” He called. “Come back here please!” She appeared at the end of the passage standing in the doorway of a room. From a distance, the sound of a jack hammer started. A blue glow was shining out of the room, not quite filling the passage with its light, but bathing Tasmin in an eerie blue glow. The noise of the jack hammer grew louder as Johann reached her. He saw her mouth formed in a perfectly round ‘O’, a look of terror, beginning to spread across her features. Johann put his hands on her shoulders.
Gently, he tried to ply her away from the entrance to the room. He was shouting above the noise of the jack hammer,
“Come away Tasmin! Come away!” Looking into the room, he saw himself sitting cross legged playing blackjack with the hooded form of the grim reaper. His other self turned and looked at Johann. The mouth was moving but Johann couldn’t hear any words. He looked at the empty black holes where his eyes should have been. He felt frozen to the spot. His other self seemed angry now; he appeared to be shouting at him. Johann met his gaze and stammered. “I can’t hear you!” The noise of the jack hammer filled his head.

Once again, soaked in sweat, Johann woke abruptly. The now familiar, feeling of relief washing over him, until he realized with mounting fear, that the noise of the Jack hammer really was in his head! He held his head in his hands and moaned. He tried to get up and lost his balance. Dropping to his knees he opened his eyes. Flashing white stars were all he saw. Panic was setting in. He couldn’t think. He had to phone someone, “Who?” He asked himself. He felt his temples thudding. Gingerly, he put his fingers either side his head and felt the pulsing coinciding with the persistent ‘thump, thump’ inside his head. Johann slowly crawled, using his memory to avoid furniture, across the lounge floor. He found when he tried to open his eyes, the pounding became worse. After what felt like an interminably long time, he reached what he recognized by touch, as the legs of the telephone table. Pulling himself up he spent the next two minutes arguing with himself as to whether he should phone Tertia, or come clean and wake Rudi.
“Hello?” a sleep shrouded, female voice answered expectantly.
“Sorry to wake you, Doreen. Johann Pienaar here. I was hoping to get Rudi?”
“Oh - Oh, Er, Ok, hang on a sec, let me wake him.” She answered reluctantly.
The receiver was clunked down on a table surface, the noise making Johann flinch. He found himself praying “Please God, make him hurry, please help me, Oh God, please take the pain away!”
“Ja?”
“Rudi! Hi! Thank God you’re there. Listen, I’m sorry to do this to you but could you please come to my house right away? I need your help. Please?”
“Uh, Ok. Are you Ok Johann?”
“No, Rudi. No, I’m not, I’ll explain when you’re here. Please come now?”
“I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
Johann hung up the phone, missing the receiver cradle. The receiver came crashing down on his head as he slumped to the floor.
“Christ!” he held his head in his hands, the energy draining from him rapidly.
“Got to think, Johann. Got to think.” He told himself. “I can’t die on the floor here!” Johann reached up to the telephone table, fumbling around till he felt a pen. Under the table he kept a telephone directory. His eyes still closed, he pulled out the telephone directory, ripping off the back page, knowing from memory the cover was white. He wrote in large print Tertia’s number He slid the directory back under the table and laid the torn directory cover on top of the phone. Sweat was pouring from his entire body. He felt giddy and couldn’t really tell if the jack hammer was still in his head or not. It seemed to have been replaced with a noisy hiss. With his last remaining energy, he forced himself to slide on his behind. Feet in front of him, hands behind him, across the floor in the direction of the front door. When his feet reached the door, he shifted on to hands and knees, raising himself up, feeling for the door knob. “Have to leave the door open for Rudi” he repeated over and over to himself. Pushing himself to carry on, he found the door knob and flipped the lock. Twisting the knob, he allowed his body weight to take him back down, opening the door at the same time. He landed with a thud on his behind which set the Jack hammer back in motion. As he laid his head on the cold floor, seeking relief from the heat of exertion, headlights shone through the open doorway bathing Johann’s prostrate body in their glow.
***

X
Dark Days

Johann reached for the water glass off the bedside table. His fingers moved along the surface slowly until they bumped up against the glass. He took a long refreshing drink, then replaced the glass. His mind was racing, searching for a resting place, something to focus on and achieve clarity. It wasn’t happening. A great sadness was gnawing at his stomach. Realization of his condition had given birth to a hand of panic which was squeezing his heart. A constant reminder that his body clock had too little time left to tick. The sound of sobbing brought him out of his reverie.
“Hello?” He asked. There was no reply.
“Is someone here?” Again there was no answer. Another sob was heard. Johann stiffened in fear when he realized, he was listening to the sound of his own sobbing.

Rudi had phoned Tertia last night on Johann’s whispered insistence. She had directed Rudi to the AIDS clinic. Rudi hadn’t really concentrated on the directions as he was finding it hard to absorb the information Tertia was giving him. After repeated directions, Tertia arranged to meet Rudi for breakfast at a coffee shop in the centre of Johannesburg at nine ‘o’ clock. Rudi agreed to the meeting and rushed the then, unconscious Johann, to the clinic, where he was released into Rosie’s capable hands.

“He is HIV positive Rudi! At this moment in time, he is probably sitting with Full Blown AIDS! He has refused to take things easy and follow the clinic’s instructions for achieving at least something approaching quality of life! He instead, insists on carrying out some master plan he has got going. He believes this will change the way the country is currently dealing with HIV! The amount of stress he’s put me under to get his affairs in order! Rudi, I tell you, you don’t know the half of it! Johann himself is so stressed out he’s like a ticking time bomb! And, of course, the Doctor has explained to him that the worst thing for him is stress!” Tertia paused to draw breath.
“Calm down, please Tertia. This is all a bit of a shock to me and I’m trying to follow you, but…um… I ended up with a Standard seven education, so, er… I actually need someone to explain this to me calmly to understand what’s happening here. Like. Why is he in a Government Clinic for Christ’s sake?”
“Sorry Rudi” Tertia sighed deeply. “We’ll go and see how Johann is just now and he can explain it all to you. He just wanted me to tell you that he has AIDS. I actually think he wanted to tell you himself. That’s why he phoned you last night and not me. I just don’t think he expected not to be able to speak to you.”
“This means I’m going to be out of work at some point in the near future, doesn’t it?” Rudi asked gloomily.
“Possibly, but that’s not for me to say. Johann will fill you in with all the details. Are we finished here?” She stood up from the table tapping the bill folder in her hands.

“Hi Rosie. Can we see Johann now?” Tertia asked curtly. Rosie wasn’t particularly fond of this arrogant white woman who had no idea of how to look after a man. She stared back at Tertia and paused before saying lazily;
“No, you can’t”
“Excuse me?” Tertia asked offended.
“I said, No” Rosie reiterated.
“And why is that?” Tertia started tapping on the counter irritably.
“Because Dr. Kolling is with him now. This means that you will wait.” Rosie promptly turned her back on the counter and continued with the paperwork she had been busy with.
“Good God!” Tertia exclaimed. “Heaven knows why Johann wanted to come here and be treated by a bunch of inarticulate, not to mention, rude people who don’t understand the first thing about the people they profess to look after!” Rudi saw Rosie turn and glare at Tertia, then slam down her paperwork, ready for war.
“Tertia, let’s take a seat and wait for a bit ok?” He gently pushed Tertia in the direction of the orange plastic chairs. Turning to the counter he caught Rosie’s eye.
“Don’t worry, I’ll keep her out of your way!” he winked “Please let me know when we can go in?”
“Aish! Only if you keep that woman quiet” Rosie shouted with her finger to her lips looking in Tertia’s direction.
“She won’t say a word, I promise” Rudi smiled and winked again.

Tertia and Rudi sat side by side in the passage. Rudi knew that Tertia was taking strain. He hadn’t realized Johann and Tertia had become so close. He wondered at the context of their relationship. At that moment a gurney was being pushed up the passage. An Indian lady was trotting alongside the gurney trying to avoid knocking the poles carrying drips. The Doctor on the opposite side was talking calmly to the patient. A young girl, her head bald, was crying softly to herself, seemingly oblivious to the people around her. Rudi turned sideways on his chair to let the procession pass smoothly. The tall Indian lady was leaning forward.
“Hush honey, the pain will be gone in the morning, be brave for me Tasmin. Be brave” Dr. Kolling was approaching from the opposite direction and stopped the procession. He had a hurried conversation with the other doctor and nodded. Rudi turned to Tertia and saw she was noticeably paler.
“God, Rudi, what the hell are they doing to that poor kid?”
“Don’t know. Trying to save her life no doubt”
“Doesn’t look like it” Tertia muttered. “You know, I’m sure Johann’s little friend’s name is Tasmin. Oh dear, I hope It’s not her.”
“Hey there Tertia, who’s your friend” Dr. Kolling interjected.
“Oh! Hi, Doc, this is Rudi, he’s actually a friend of Johann’s. Can we see him now?”
“Um….I’d like to have a word with both of you in my office first if you don’t mind?”
The team of three walked down the passage. Tertia ignoring and Rudi winking at the glaring Rosie. They all sat in the comfy if somewhat moth eaten couches in Doctor Kolling’s office.
“How is he Doc?” Tertia asked anxiously.
“Well to begin with. He’s in full blown AIDS. It doesn’t appear he’s done much to stop that actually. Judging by his blood work, he’s still drinking heavily, which is, most definitely not helping. He’s not eating correctly for his condition and he appears to be extremely stressed. Tertia does he have any family that you are aware of?”
“Family that could do what for him exactly?”
“Family that might be interested in his impending death, Tertia”
“Oh” Tertia gasped. “Yes, he does, although I wouldn’t know how to contact them. Is it that bad? How long does he have?”
“I can’t answer that right now. We’ll have to see how well he responds to a different ‘cocktail’ of medication that I’ve started him on today, but it certainly isn’t going to make too much difference if he continues living the lifestyle he has been.”
“I have a contact number for his sister in Pretoria” Rudi mentioned softly.
“Then I think she should be informed. Perhaps she’d like to visit him here? Maybe bring any other family members he has at the same time.”
“I think that sort of meeting should be on home ground Doc, I’ve a sneaky suspicion Johann hasn’t informed them of his condition.” Tertia glanced at Rudi for confirmation on this.
“Hell! I wasn’t even aware of it until last night. Yeah, sure I can see his weight loss and he isn’t looking his best, but every time I’ve asked if he’s ok, he just tells me he’s fine.” Rudi said looking bemused.
“Well, he can’t leave here now. In fact I doubt he’ll go home after this. We’ll see. So his family must be told that they should come and pay him a visit. Can one of you handle this?”
“I’ll do it.” Tertia whispered.
“Now the next thing, before you go barging in to see him. I have to tell you that, although it could be a temporary situation, for right now, he’s lost his sight.”
“What?” Tertia stifled a sob.
“He’s blind!?” Rudi asked, dumbfounded.
“Yes. As I said, it could be temporary. We’ll see how he responds. I thought I should let you know before you see him. He’s also, naturally, suffering from depression due to this latest development, so you may find him in low spirits. We are going to treat him for depression as well. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some rounds to make. You can go through and see him now.”
Dr Kolling held open his office door to let them through. As Tertia passed he placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder.
“Be strong for him my dear.” He smiled sadly.

Tertia stopped in the passage. Rudi was following and stopped short.
“Tertia?”
“Oh God, Rudi, I don’t think I can go through with this. He’s blind! And we’re supposed to go in there and act all chipper telling him to cheer up and take things easy! How is this possible? I just wish……” Tertia broke down sobbing and collapsed into one of the many orange plastic chairs. Rudi took the seat next to her.
”Look, I don’t know how long all this has been going on for. It seems to me like both you and Johann have been taking strain for a long time now. I also believe that Johann must have reached a point by now where he is well aware of what this virus means to him. He must have come to terms with it in some way. I don’t know, maybe made his peace with God or something. But you seem to be denying the fact that he is at some point, probably going to die from this. It’s always worse for the people that get left behind. You’ve got this far with the secret together. Can you go the rest of the way Tertia?”
“Rudi, there’s still such a long way to go.” She sobbed. “You don’t know what he’s doing, why he’s here and not in some private hospital somewhere. Johann will explain it all to you, of that I’m sure, it’s just…… I don’t know anymore……. I need someone to help me while I’m trying to help Johann. And ok, I’ll admit it! I am in love with Johann. It’s killing me to see the reality that all my dreams and fantasies of him will one day come to an end. Do you understand?” She sniffed and started fishing around in her handbag for a tissue. A box of tissues suddenly appeared in front of her face. She grabbed one and blew her nose noisily, looking up into the kind, sweet smiling face of Rosie.
“Thank you Rosie” Tertia said sheepishly as she grabbed a couple more tissues from the box.
“S’ okay” Rosie turned and left shaking her head. Rudi smiled and looked at Tertia.
“What was it you said? - Bunch of inarticulate, rude people, who don’t know anything about caring?”
“Yeah, I’m sorry. I guess I also need to come to terms with all .. this…” Tertia said flapping her arms around.
“Come on” Rudi said standing up. “I think you should go and get some sleep. I’m going to phone around and get him a nurse or someone who can look after people in his condition. I know Doreen has a lot of contacts in that department. Let me take care of that, I’ll have someone start from tomorrow. Can you organize for it to be paid for?”
“Yes, I can.” Tertia sighed.
“We have to try and help him the best way we know how. So let’s go and get some sleep and come back tomorrow, when his ‘happy tabs’ might have kicked in. I don’t want to see him trying to deal with all this right now either. I have to get used to it before I know how to react to him” Tertia didn’t argue. She was too exhausted.
***

XI
Elizabeth

Johann had slept fitfully and dreamlessly. As he stirred, he registered the benefits of a good night’s sleep coursing through his body. He stretched and yawned. Opening his eyes, he blinked. Blinking again, the memories of yesterday filtered through. He rubbed his eyes with his fists and blinked again, nothing. Not a complete darkness. More a foggy gray haze was as much as he could make out. Depression hit him. All the things he couldn’t do without sight ran through his mind like a grocery list. It suddenly dawned on him, he wouldn’t even know if someone were sitting at his bedside.
“Hello?” he whispered softly. Just to be sure. No answer. “My God! I can’t even read a book. What do I do now!” A small voice coming from deep down inside his mind was nagging him. “You can still do it! You can!” it kept repeating. Johann laid back against his pillows and let his mind explore the meaning of those words.

“Hello Mr Pienaar, hope you had a good night’s sleep, my name is Elizabeth. We haven’t met before. I’m here to give you all your tablets and I must say there are rather a lot of them! How are you feeling?”
“Oh! On top of the world Elizabeth, on top of the world!”
“Really? That’s terrific. Keep feeling that way and you’ll be out of here before you know it!”
“Great!” Johann thought, “Clever of them to give me a nurse that doesn’t recognize sarcasm.”
“What time is it Elizabeth? I’ve just remembered, I’m blind and therefore can’t see a bloody thing!”
“Now, now, Mr. Pienaar. The Doctor has told you it could just be a temporary thing. You’ve been here two nights now. It’s Thursday, and it’s 10am. Let’s start to look on the bright side shall we?”
“Oh yes! Let’s! By the way, is it bright outside?”
“Yes, Mr. Pienaar. It’s a beautiful sunny day! Now get over yourself and concentrate on getting better ok? Here, give me your hand.” Johann raised his arm limply. Elizabeth pulled his hand roughly towards her.
“Here…recognize the distance.” She dropped his arm back on to the covers.
“Do it again. Give me your hand.” Johann raised his arm again. This time bending his elbow and reaching with his hand, he measured the same distance. His hand met the plastic pill container.
“Put the pills in your other hand and reach out again for your water. Johann achieving this again began to enjoy himself.
“Not too bad hey?” he grinned.
“You’ll get better Mr. Pienaar. In the meantime, you may as well get used to the condition you find yourself in hmm?”
“How old are you?” he asked frowning. He couldn’t place her age. Initially, he had thought she sounded very young. Now he wasn’t so sure.
“Does it matter?”
“No. I just get the impression you’re more than a nurse?”
“Yes, Mr. Pienaar.”
“Johann”
“Ok, Johann. Amongst my many talents, AIDS counseling, physiotherapy, a few. I haven’t specialized yet”
“And you’re working in an AIDS clinic?”
“No, Johann. I’m going to cost you. I’m hired to get you through this. I can tell you it’s Tertia that’s hired me”
“No” Johann sat up. “I’ve got plans for that money”
“Johann, Tertia has explained that your plans are still going to take some time. From what I gather, it’s important to you, to see the completion of these plans. Believe me; you’ll need to spend this money in order to get there.” Johann flopped back and sighed heavily.
“Yes, it is important.”
“Besides, your medical aid will pay.”
“Yeah, but, Elizabeth, I don’t want any of my colleagues to find out I have AIDS, I’ve left that world.”
“Uh huh? Ja. That’s plain to see. However, you are still on it, AIDS doesn’t discriminate. You won’t get the degrading isolation that used to be associated with HIV-AIDS. It’s not like that anymore. Any how we’ll set up some time for some counseling, you’ve had enough today. Get some rest. Relax.”
“Oh thanks Elizabeth. By the way? You wouldn’t happen to have a copy of the latest “You” magazine would you? I’d like to browse through it.”
“We’ll work on that anger as well Johann. See you tomorrow!” Johann grinned and thought “Cocky Cow!”

Tertia and Rudi stood in the doorway to the ward. Johann was dozing. Walking to his bedside Rudi pulled up a plastic chair for Tertia. Johann’s eyes blinked.
“Hey there Johann, it’s Rudi.” As an afterthought. “And Tertia’s here too!”
“Hello. Thanks for coming” Johann shuffled himself into a sitting position against his pillows.
“So. Have you heard?” He asked.
“Um, that you can’t see?” Rudi asked slowly.
“Then you’ve heard. Hi Tertia, how are you doing precious? I must say, you’re looking lovely today!”
“Johann” Tertia leant across and grabbed his hand.
“Oh, don’t worry; I’m sure you know that I’ve got a wonderful lady by the name of Elizabeth taking good care of me now.”
“Johann. Please? I thought it was for the best. Come on now. We want you to stick around for as long as possible. Try and help a little here y’know?”
“Yes. I do know.” Johann sighed. “I’m sorry. You’ve done nothing but assist me all the way with this Tertia, the way I’m going, I’m likely to leave you with a stack of problems instead of thanking you. I’ll work on it from now on. Ok?”
“Thank you.” Tertia smiled at him and realized he couldn’t acknowledge it. She squeezed his hand.
“Now, we have some work to do, are you up for it?” Tertia became business-like.
“Let me see if I can help you.” Johann tittered.

While discussing business, Johann and Tertia filled Rudi in on all the missing blanks. They left late that afternoon. Johann slept fitfully for the rest of the night. He was awoken the next morning by an over cheerful Rosie bringing him breakfast.
“Good morning Mr. Pienaar! How are you today?” She placed a tray on the table and pulled him forward to plump up his pillows.
“I’m ok thanks Rosie. What’s for breakfast?”
“On your right, there is some Pap, melk en suiker, some toast above that…”
“Oh never mind Rosie. It’ll be the highlight of my days, surprising myself and guessing what the hospital food is throughout the day.”
“I am here to help feed you.” Rosie sounded offended.
“Don’t worry. I still know where my mouth is. Let me do this myself, but thanks, Rosie. By the way, how is my friend Tasmin?”
“Well,” Rosie paused too long.
“What? Is she ok Rosie?”
“She will be fine. The Doctor said she had to have chemotherapy and you know Mr. Pienaar that is very, very painful for such a little girl. So at the moment she is not feeling very well. Her head is shaved now and this has also upset her. But she is improving and she asked after you too. I have explained about your eyes to her. I hope you don’t mind. I thought I would make it a bit easier for you. She says she will come and see you when she is allowed out of bed.”
“Give her my love. Tell her I’m thinking of her.” Johann said with a lump in his throat.
“Yes, Mr. Pienaar. Enjoy your breakfast. Don’t make too much mess either.” Johann heard her chuckling as she entered the passage. He did make a terrible mess. Finding his mouth was the easy part, finding the spoon empty, once in his mouth, however, was more common than not.

Breakfast, with tablets, would be followed by a bed changing session. He would doze for an hour when Elizabeth would arrive. By the end of the second session, Elizabeth had him walking around the bed counting steps from the doorway, to his bed, to the draw in his small bedside table, without looking like an audition for “Frankenstein.” Elizabeth asked about his family.
“Do they know?”
“No, they don’t. I’m supposed to be there this Sunday. I’m not sure what to do now. It’s not something I wanted to handle over the phone.”
“I could do it for you? Invite them here, spend an hour in counseling with them. Then they could see you?” Johann thought about it.
“Ja, Ok. You’ll break it to them gently though?”
“Don’t worry. I’ve done this for many people. I know how sensitive some people can be.”
I’ll give you my sister’s number. Her name is Elize, but please, put it off for a while. Maybe next weekend or something, I don’t think I’m ready for this just yet” Johann turned away.
“Sure. Now, find me a pen.” Johann dozed after this session. He woke to Rosie, shaking him gently.
“Johann, you must take your tablets.” He sat up and expertly reached out for his container followed by the water.
“Rosie will you take me to visit Tasmin please?”
“Er, I don’t know if that’s a good idea”
“Oh Come on Rosie, it’s my first idea in days! I just need you to lead me there and come back for me after an hour or so. Please?”
“Aish, Mr. Pienaar, you are such trouble to me. Come on I’ll take you now”
“Thank you sweet Rosie”
Johann sat at Tasmin’s bed side. He had hold of her little hand as she sobbed to him.
“My hair! It’s all gone! I hate this!” She slammed her small fists into the bedclothes.
“Tasmin, your hair will grow back! Don’t be so vain. Besides you suit it, I can tell!”
“How do you know? You’re blind!”
“Thanks for reminding me sweetheart. I can still see you in my mind. I can imagine without hair, you must look beautiful. You have a terrific bone structure, what’s that model’s name again?’
“It doesn’t matter!” Tasmin exploded. “I’m not going to be a model, because I’m going to die!”
“Stop it now Tasmin.” Johann straightened in his chair. A look of concern shadowed his face.
“You and I are both going to get each other through this ok? I need you to believe you can do it, so that I can believe the same for myself. Do we have a deal here?” Tasmin looked into Johann’s eyes. She couldn’t believe he couldn’t see her.
“Ok. I’ll try. I’m just really, really cross about this. And what are we going to play now? Hm? I suppose it will have to be dominoes” She said folding her arms in a huff.
***

XI
Breaking The Family In.

For the next week, Johann’s day’s followed much the same routine. Rudi and Doreen came to visit one night. Tertia was there at least once a day filling him in on all the details and progress on the completion of the Clinic. Tasmin had not recovered enough during that week to visit Johann. Consequently, in the afternoons, Rosie collected Johann and took him to Tasmin’s bedside. They whiled away the afternoons, Johann painfully, wishing for bigger dots or smaller fingers. Counting domino dots and losing dismally every game they played. He noticed he was getting better at judging direction and distance. He mentioned to Rosie it wouldn’t be long before he would walk to Tasmin by himself. Tasmin’s mood was not good. Her personality was marred by anger and frustration at her own illness. There was an ingredient in the tone of her voice that worried Johann and made it necessary for him to spend an hour a day constantly egging her on. He exuded positivism and encouragement, so much so, that by the end of the hour, when her mood had lifted somewhat, he was himself exhausted.

On Saturday he received an unexpected visit from Elizabeth. She seemed quiet to him. She asked all the relevant questions to his comfort and then the reason for her mood became apparent to him.
“I spoke to Elize earlier today. I asked if she would come and see me as I needed to speak to your whole family. She seemed a bit put out. I think she thought I was your girlfriend or something. So, I introduced myself and without giving them too much information on your present condition, I explained that you were HIV positive, had been for some time and that you unwisely chose to keep this information from them. I told them you were currently experiencing some health problems which would not allow you to travel to Pretoria and visit them.”
“What was her reaction?” Johann said holding his head in his hands.
“Well. She was quiet for some time. She asked how long you had. I explained it’s not like cancer, that with the proper care and treatment, there should be no reason why you wouldn’t be around for a long time to come. I suggested that she and your parents come for counseling where I could explain things better. She took my details and said she would call back. She was hesitant to break this news to your parents and until she’d figured out how she was going to do it, she couldn’t plan further. So! The hard part is done Johann. Let’s see what happens from here ok?”
“Oh God!” Johann sighed heavily. “I know exactly how my parents are going to react. Ma will be mortified. She won’t want anyone to know. I’ll be lucky if she speaks to me again. As for Pa! Well, he’s just not going to believe it. He’ll think its all lies, until I tell him myself.”
“Calm down Johann. I will try and get them in for counseling before they see you. I’ll explain it can happen to anyone. You’re not the filth that they obviously think HIV sufferers are. Hopefully I can humble them a little before they see you, alright?”
Johann lay back against the pillows, resigned. “Thanks Elizabeth”
“Johann don’t let this bother you, I know it’s your family, but right now you need to think about yourself, okay?”
“Alright. Thanks”
***

XII
And Then, There Was Light.

Johann had been at the clinic for two weeks when things started happening. He woke that morning filled with elation as he could clearly pick up the direction of light from the ward window. Excited he called for Rosie.
“Rosie, I can pick up light coming from that way!” He pointed correctly to his left.
“Oh! That’s very good Mr. Pienaar! I will tell Dr. Kolling. Maybe you are going to see again after all hey?” Rosie plumped up his pillows. It wasn’t Dr. Kolling who came. Elizabeth came in his place.
“Hello Johann. It’s Elizabeth”
“Elizabeth! Did Rosie tell you? I can see light!”
“Yes, she did. That’s terrific! I’ve come to take a closer look at you. Don’t get too excited just yet ok?” Elizabeth performed a number of tests on his eyes, the most exciting of which for Johann, was when she shone her torch into his eyes and he could quite definitely pick up the light.
“So, I’m seeing light at the end of the tunnel! I suppose it’s either a train or the taxman with a torch, hey?”
“Well. I think if we can keep you off your scotch and fatten you up a bit, you just might be lucky Johann” Elizabeth sat back. He picked up the sarcasm in her tone and once again, wished he could put a face to the voice.
“Jeez, thanks Elizabeth! So, I can’t have a drink to celebrate?”
“Correct!” She laughed. There was a knock on the door and Tertia announced herself.
“Sorry to interrupt guys.” She pulled a chair to Johann’s bedside.
“Johann, I’ve got terrific news for you. The clinic’s completed!” Johann sat bolt upright in his bed.
“At last! Whoa! What a good day I’m having!” Johann sat back and clapped his hands in obvious elation.
“So what happens from here?” Elizabeth asked. “Do we move Johann to his own clinic?”
“Well, in the next few days, once all the staff are in and settled, I suppose we could?” Tertia replied.
“No.” Johann shook his head thoughtfully. “This is where I started; this is where I will end up. What I want you to do though, Elizabeth, perhaps you could assist? Organise for my little friend Tasmin to be the first patient admitted there. Get her name down on a list immediately for a bone marrow transplant. I don’t care how much it costs, or what countries you have to get it from, but I want her to have this operation quickly. Organise her files from Rosie. Get the entire speck on the type of marrow needed etc. Please, just get her in there Tertia” Elizabeth and Tertia swapped glances. Tertia cast her memory back to the day with Rudi when the gurney had passed with a young bald girl. Hadn’t the tall Indian lady referred to her as Tasmin?
“Johann, you don’t think it may be just a tad frightening for a young girl to be in a new hospital all by herself?” Tertia asked.
“Move in there with her Johann.” Elizabeth reasoned.
“Tasmin will probably have a ball in there by herself!” He chuckled. “Let me think about it. Tertia, have you spoken to Rosie? Can we take her with us?”
“I did speak to her a week ago. She wasn’t very committed to the idea, but mentioned that should her sister take Rosie’s place here, then she would think about it. I’ll speak to her today and find out what she thinks. I don’t think Dr. Kolling will be ecstatic with you for stealing one of his best.”
“Offer him a job as well then.” Johann laughed.
***