Orion's Testicle

Chapter 24 - The Performance

Baring it all, for rock, and roll.

And so our band of teenagers stood, freezing, inside the large projection room of The Hunk Of Junk. Instruments at the ready, they would have looked like glorious heroes, if they weren’t naked, and trying to keep their bits out of sight.
The girls were doing this brilliantly. They were still in sight but still bore their modesty. Patrick and Scottle found this annoying. Max had indeed kept his promise, and was out of the room avidly arguing with one of the ship’s coffee machines.
The lyrics for cuttlefish were in Em’s hand.
The whole system warmed up with a satisfying ‘churrrrrr’
The lights where on. They where on air. To the entire planet. Through a looking port on the ship Anna could see herself across the entire planet.
She waved. She then realised she looked rather stupid waving and stopped. She picked up her instrument. She thought she had missed it, as it was completely weightless. Glowing with the fire of music, she let out the opening chord.
The sound ricocheted through the atmosphere, a golden thunder of sound and a bolt of happiness.
“Holy crap.”
She thought she could almost see the people down on the earth, falling under the spell of the music she played.
She gestured to Megan. Megan played, and her bass beat seemed to echo the heartbeat of every living thing on the planet, resonating within them like the very life source that drove theme, enticing happiness into all that heard it.
She gestured to Patrick, who immediately stopped picking his nose and started drumming.
The drumming caused the very ground of the earth to tremor, and shake. As the blood pumped through the bodies of one man so did the drum beat pulse through the collective conscious of the entire human race.
They all played together. The feeling was unimaginable. Bones felt though they’d turned into light itself, the world was swept by a warm breeze all over, golden in colour. All through this Megan’s beat echoes through the hearts of every human being, and utterly destroyed the darkness in their minds and souls.
Anna gulped and gestured to Em.
Em started to sing for the second time.


The world exploded with happiness. The magic of ‘Cuttlefish’ radiated from the earth’s very core. The ground glowed with a magnificent radiance. musical notes spun in gargantuan tornadoes around the world, purging everyone it touched of hate and misery. The aged were made to look ten years younger. The abused were healed, the shy given confidence.
Music had cured all ailments.

In short, the earth got very high.
At the crescendo of the performance, Em said the final word on Cuttlefish.
Everyone in the world was knocked down by a huge golden flash. Anna was knocked off stage onto Scottle, who was knocked onto Patrick, who punched him in the face whilst drumming.
Whalley was on his knees at the very sound of it, the syllable sang echoing inside his conscience. He was a firm believer in science, but now he felt himself questioning everything he’d ever read. He loved his music more then he loved his children (which he didn’t have, but you get the point), but he’d never expected it to be so magical.
Something clicked in his mind as he remembered Anna walking into the shop full of incense candles.
“Two letters…two letters different….”



Max, who had missed the performance, was trying on some new underwear whilst swearing at the map on the bridge.
“Holy Turtle Testes!” he shouted. “They’re back!”
Max leapt off the settee he was standing on and scrambled to the screen.
He slammed his hands on the communications panel, and stared balefully at the glinting red lights that now infested the screen.
To his surprise, the panel began to vibrate violently and buzzed.
“What the jumping lemurs on sugar lollies is going on?”
Walker walked past the bridge and shouted down the doorway:
“You set it on vibrate to please those girls, right before you shoved the banana into the intercom.”
“Oh…which…erm, button thing do I press to speak?”
“The big green one.”
“Thanks.”
Max walked over and pressed the red one a few times. Walker came in and did it for him.
“Oh…good. Here’s some…erm…more stickers.”
The screen flashed on, and after a few seconds of interference a heavily bearded flight officer came on.
“This is Flight Officer Bolongus Suglici. Maximllian, we would like to speak with you.”
Max groaned.
“I’m listening.”
“Well, here’s the thing…”
“Yes?”
“Yes what?”
“You were talking about something.”
“Was I? Oh…you’ll have to excuse me, it’s a Friday and (hic) I’ve had a few.”
“Riiight.”
“Yeah, well apparently….you have some hostages from Orion.”
“What?”
“Yeah…Hostages….little ones….teenagers. Lots of them.” said Bolongus
“You are misinformed. I haven’t been down to Orion to knick anyone. I don’t even have a clue what they’d look like.”
“Don’t play dumb, Max, they look exactly like me.”
“Then I have no interest in robbing them, I’d only ever knick things that looked good on, or with, me.”
The flight officer was feeling a bit confused. He couldn’t get frustrated, his genetics wouldn’t allow him to on a Friday, so he was in a state of wonder of what to actually say.
“Well erm…I really think you should come with us. Or we’ll probably have to do something about it.”
Max senses his lack of concern and concentration, and took advantage of it.
“Oh, now now, I don’t think it has to come to that, that would be stupid and unnecessary. How about…I dunno, you guys go back home and have a break, you sound like you’ve been waiting for one.” he said suggestively.
The flight officer considered what Max has said. He did need a break. But he also distinctly remembered that he was told to get Max a few days ago.
“I distinctly remember being told to get you a few days ago.” he said.
“That’s a very good point, you clearly are set out for bright things in the Orionan navy.” Max complimented. “But here’s a better idea that works for you in two ways. You go home, for a nice sit down and some light music, and tell everyone that you used your oratory skills like a demagogue and persuaded me into coming back voluntarily. I’ll come back in a few days after making some repairs to my ship.”
The flight officer again thought about it. That satisfied both the criteria of getting Max back and earning him a nice break.
“That’s a good idea. Thanks, that works well.”
“Oh, don’t thank me, you just thought of it then.” Max replied.
“Did I?”
“Yep.”
“Oh.”
“Why not tell your captain about it?” Max suggested.
“I can’t.”
“Why not?” Max spoke into the ship’s com system.
“Because she’s lying on the floor laughing at how Earth looks like a long lost testicle.”
“Ah….I see.”
Max looked out of the vision port at planet Earth. Come to think of it the captain had a point, it looked very similar to Orion’s testicle, except slightly larger.
“Yeah, I get it.” Max said.
This conversation seemed to be more of a casual chat then the interrogation Max expected it to be.
“So, why not turn your very large and ferociously armed ship around and go back? I like you, man, and I’d hate to see you going without a break.”
“Yeah, Ok….thanks for the support Max…I’ll be made captain for this….” the flight officer mused.
“Course you will.” Max assured.
Max fiddled with the green button on the comm desk a few times.
Walker, who was stood behind him, walked forward and pressed the red. Max didn’t notice.
“Ah, you must have to press it a few times.” he said smugly. Noticing walker, he spoke again.
“Make us go…er….” he pointed out into space through the vision port. “That way, really fast.”
“you mean turn to starboard, then all ahead full?”
Walker asked
Max looked at him quizzically.
“My head’s full of Starburst? You know I hate those…oh, and I don’t have any more stickers. And when you’re done, you mind telling our guests that I’m sorry about that little niggle and I’ll drop them back home on earth after I’ve had a quick shower and a stop off at the sun for a tanning session.
Walker groaned.
“If you let me have friends round in the future.”
“As long as you don’t tell them I’m secretly gay.”
Walker turned to him sharply and frowned.
“You’re gay?” he blurted out.
“No. But that would be a horrid thing to say about me.”
“I see.”
Walker walked out of the room and down the ships’ main corridor.
Max sat back on the sofa at the rear of the bridge and reflected on how great he was.

Anna was smashed. Completely off her trolley. She’d gone loony. Hoopy. Crazy as a wedge.
She’d just hugged Patrick.
Though she was of course thankful that everyone had at least got partly dressed before the celebrations.
Scottle was smiling. He couldn’t hear the voice inside his head no more. Instead he just felt a little more sexy and didn’t at all mind staring at Anna’s breasts from across the room. Neither did Anna, to be perfectly frank. It seemed as if his other half had just mixed itself in a bit an then disappeared.
Megan was chatting to Walker in the corner, smiling at him as she swayed side to side slightly.
Em was flexing a fish tail that had just this minute replaced her legs and was fish slapping Whalley in the face, whose beard now reached the floor, curled back into the air, then reached down to the floor again.
Patrick, though he had just been hugged rather warmly, still was annoyed as he hadn’t yet found a sponge to get rid of the yoghurt, which was now beginning to squelch.
“I can’t believe that just happened!” Anna cheered. “Scottle, honey, did you feel the same?”
Scottle was looking at her chest.
“I’m sorry?” he said, shaking his head.
“Are you just going to sit there staring at my boobs?” Anna said.
He sat motionless for a few seconds
“I’m sorry?” he said, shaking his head.
“Right then.”
Walker remembered what Max had told him and addressed the gang as a whole.
“Max’ll drop you back on earth after a wee bit, he’s just having a shower and a tan.”
“Why bother dropping us off on earth? Max’s been to Orion’s Testicle before, hasn’t he?”
“Yeah, but we’re going away from there, it’s easier to drop you off here. Max’s on the run from them actually.”
“But we live on Orion’s Testicle!”
Walker looked (you guessed it) like he’d been slapped by an icy herring.
“Ah. Just give me one second.”
He sprinted out of the room and ran down the ship corridor, faster then he’d ever thought he’d run in his life.
He burst into the bridge, tripped over a tortoise with a golfing bag, stood up, pondered it for a moment, started to walk and tripped over it again.
Tortoises are widely believed to be the most awkward animal to trip over in the entire galaxy.
Earth, of course, is a very quiet, more…backwater planet. You may be wondering how it’s known so widely because of this. In actual fact, the tortoise Walker tripped over was not known to a large majority of the universe. Even Walker hadn’t seen it before.
The reason he knew it was a tortoise is simple.
On every single planet with a stable ecosystem and food chain, the name ‘tortoise’ is (by another strange and weird coincidence ) always given to the most awkward animal to trip over on said planet.
There is the Tawtoys of Trininidin, a large, brick shaped creature which has special carapace that mirrors light, making it exceptionally easy to trip over. There is the Taur-Tos of Majoris Clitori, which has over four hundred noses (often with three hundred and ninety nine colds) which moves at speeds approaching mach 2. It’s soft, spongy body means it had been described as like tripping over a fat security guard on a space hopper.
None of this has any relevance to this tortoise however, or indeed this crucial part of the story, or indeed does this tortoise have any other relevance to the story of the teenagers other then the fact it keeps appearing. I just thought you might like to know.
Walker then tripped over Max, who had tripped over the tortoise.
“Why’s there a tortoise with a golfing bag?” Max moaned painfully.
“No idea. Look, we got a big problem. Those teenagers are the people Bolongus was looking for. They’re from Orion’s Testicle.”
Max opened his eyes wide then blinked.
“Then what in a fluorescent pink banana supernova are they doing all this way away?”
“I don’t know. Ask them. But they’d like to be returned home.”
Max turned his head away from Walker and sighed.
“Well I guess now I am a criminal. I gotta take them back I guess. But I’m not going down for this, I had no idea.”
Walker was incredibly surprised at this, didn’t seem to be something Max would be likely to do.
“You’re not just going to lie and blame it on something? I think we should do that, so you know…we don’t…DIE.”
“First off, No. I may mess about a lot but that’s because it’s hopping hilarious to do so. I do not, ever, lie. I have to own up to this now. Let’s go back to Orion’s Testicle.”
He turned to the vision port once more.
“There! That’s it! Off in the distance!”
Walker squinted out of the vision port.
He rolled his eyes.
“Maximllian, that appears to be the moon.”
“Close enough.” he replied. “tell your new friends they’re off home.”