Orion's Testicle

Chapter 19 - Hotel Havoc

Patrick was in his room, sitting quietly, doing nothing malicious or mischievous in any way.
He had a smug look on his face.
This was because he was anticipating something he knew he’d enjoy.
He was eagerly awaiting the other guests reaction to something.
He had filled an entire room full of ice.
He heard a wail of shock, disbelief and expletives from another room, and grinned even more.
The door ahead of him opened, and he started, expecting it was the angry neighbours. Fortunately, It was Anna.
“Hey, Patrick, I and Scottle here are just gonna be in our room for, well, a few…er, hours. We’re going to be busy…playing chess. Can you ring us when it’s time for dinner?”
“Yes. You want have lots of sex. I won’t say anything if you don’t squeal on the ice.”
“What ice?” Anna said.
The door behind her burst open, and ice flattened her onto the floor. She jumped up shivering..
“FRET, THAT’S COLD!!! What the hell did you do, Patrick?”
“I got bored so played with the ice machine.”
Anna gave him a look of scorn and then slammed the door, her clothes sopping wet and chilly. Fortunately for her, she wouldn’t need them much longer.
Patrick had fled the corridors away from Anna, just in case. As he ran, he spied the cleaner. He would probably not have taken notice of him, but the fact that he was asleep in the broom cupboard allured him.
Patrick inconspicuously (or as inconspicuous as could be possible for Patrick) sidled inside the broom cupboard. 5 minutes later, he came out dressed as the cleaner, and with keys in his hand, he walked down the corridor, searching for a certain room.
He figured that there would be, like there always is on the movies, a room full of girls showering. He smiled smugly and set off to find it.

Em And Megan were sat in the bar, drinking milk, which they had come to like very much. Some barmy old woman at the bar kept telling them how it was in a sense the piss of a dairy animal.
Em And Megan simply humoured her and smiled.
They each got rather self conscious when guys kept inspecting them as they walked past. This behaviour didn’t happen on Orion’s Testicle, and Meg and Em thought they were being hunted.
However, the bartender kept on handing them drinks on someone else’s tab.
They thought perhaps this was to fatten them up somewhat.
Two guys approached the bar table, and sat down beside them.
“Hey girls, you’re looking good…” One of them said.
“Back, you devils!”
Em deftly grabbed a cocktail stick and stabbed him in the hand.
“Holy mother, that hurts!” He yelped, clutching his hand and giving a series of slight jumps in pain.
“Woah, we just wanted to talk to you!” The other said.
Em and Meg Looked at each other, then looked at the guys.
“Oh..” they said in unison. “fair enough…”
They brightened up somewhat, and relaxed.
“I’m Tom..” the one by Meg said.
“I’m Ryan!” the other said to Em.

Patrick had indeed found his room, and had also found a very large smile on his face. He ‘casually’ walked in with the trolley he had found full of cleaning equipment, and ‘casually’ smiled as he entered the shower room.
Upon seeing lots of hot naked girls, he smiled even more.
Upon seeing a teenage cleaner with a big naughty smile on his face, the girls screamed.
Fortunately, Patrick, brilliant schemer as he was, ‘casually’ explained that he was ‘unaware’ of the girls, and was ‘under the impression’ that the room was empty.
Fortunately, one of the girls, brilliant ‘bullshit’ detector as she was, slapped him across the face.
Unfortunately, she knocked his glasses out of the window.
Patrick’s vision became as misty as frosted windows in a sauna.
He wandered aimlessly out of the room. And dragged the trolley with him.
He proceeded to polish a few plants, and insert high strength adhesive into the keyholes of the entire two floors of the hotel, thinking them to be coffee machines, and the glue gun the coins.

Anna, in short, was pretty turned on.
They had been at each others bodies for a good while now, but no contact with ‘unmentionables’ had been made.
“Scottle honey…I’m just gonna go get dressed…”
“into what?” Scottle said, with a moment of confusion.
“My birthday suit.” Anna said sexily.
Scottle smiled, and lay back on the bed.
Anna walked over to the bedroom door, and tried to open it, but it was mysteriously glued shut.
Anna found this very confusing and walked over to the other door. Again, it was glued shut.
She looked very uncomfortable and turned to Scottle.
“I suppose it’s not a good time to tell you that I’m terribly cholostropobic…”
Scottle slapped his head.

* * *

“So, anyways, it turned out to be a hamster!”
“-stuck in the disk tray!”
Em and Meg were in the bar, talking to the two guys, who had just cracked a brilliant joke involving a personal anecdote with a hamster and a broken DVD player. Em and Meg both silently agreed it would have been far funnier if they knew what a DVD or a hamster was.
Ryan checked his watch, for a moment, and both girls gagged their drinks in horror.
This was not because of his particularly hideous watch, nor the fact he had it set 13 hours wrong, but because of his hands.
“Bronze Guitars! Em, toilet meeting, immediately.”
They got up, took their drinks and disappeared into the toilet.
The two guys looked at each other, smiled, sighed and shrugged.
“Women!”

Em and Meg practically ran into the toilet.
They proceeded to experiment how many times the words ‘yuck’ and ‘eww’ could be said in 10 seconds.
After they established that the number was too hard to remember, they informed each other of what just happened, in case either had forgotten.
“Did you see that? Four fingers!”
“ I know, I was just about to say that! EW!”
“That’s disgusting! They have an odd number of digits!”
“I know!! There’s six strings on guitars for a reason!” Em complained. “ Five fingers makes way more sense!”
Patrick walked passed them, zipping up his trousers and looking very smug with himself.
“Ah, nothing like a good piss.”
“PATRICK!” Em yelled. “what the hell are you doing?”
“Just went to the urination station, why?”
“This is the ladies room!”
“Oh, really? I thought it said ‘lads’, lost my glasses you see.”
A bell tolled in the distance, and Em and Meg looked at each other with fear.
“But don’t worry, I can see perfectly fine without them.”
“Patrick, that’s the shower head, over here.”
Patrick turned to them.
“Ah yes, as I was saying.” He continued. “Can you find Anna and Scottle and tell them dinner’s ready? I tried to contact them, but I ended up on a train to Svalbard.”
Meg looked at him concernedly.
“Are you sure you’ll be alright on your own? You look rather disorientated.”
Patrick turned to the bright light above him.
“Of course I’ll be fine, Scottle, I can see where I’m going.”
Em and Meg promptly left the bathroom.
Patrick wandered out a few moments later, and tripped over a tortoise. For the third instance running, this tortoise had a burn mark on it’s shell. Patrick considered for a moment that there could be some logical link between them, but decided he’d have some peanuts instead of considering it further.
He grabbed a few pieces of gravel from a nearby water display and ate it. He spat them out, considering them the worst peanuts he had ever had.
He found a pair of glasses on a side table next to a book. He quickly slipped them on, and looked around. A news report on the television caught his eye.
“This is BBC news at 9. An UFO has been sighted in the northern skies today. Seen here as a mile long metal construct, it later used a projection devise to hurtle an image across the planet. This image has yet to be ratified and deciphered completely, but speculation has it to be the rear end of an alien species. The Americans, in the name of negotiation and democracy, have since locked onto the target and are currently sending nukes to converse with it’s location. That’s all we have at the moment, an update will be given when we get more information.”
Patrick remembered seeing a similar report back on Orion II, but then again, he had also seen a similar tortoise on Orion II, and had disregarded it, so he thought he should stick to his guns and think nothing else of this.
Meg and Em arrived upstairs, and heard loud beating against one of the doors.
“Help, get us out of here, we’re locked in!”
That was the unmistakable voice of Anna.
“Anna? What’s wrong?”
“Meg, is that you?”
“Yes, what’s wrong?”
“Well, at first I thought the door was broken, but some idiots super glued the lock!”
“Hang on!” said Em bravely.
She stood back, and delivered a solid kick to the door.
The door shook out of it’s hinge, and by a wild twist of fate, fell on Meg.
“Oh thank Guitars for that!” Anna shouted with delight. “Em, you’re a saviour….Where’s Meg?”
A slight pull of Anna’s arm indicated that Meg was flattened underneath the door.
Anna saved Meg this time, and quickly pulled the door off her.
“Hey you there!”
The Gang spun around and noticed a few men wearing jeans, leather jackets and, strangely, bright red cloaks. Patrick was with them, and they assumed they were about to be in a lot of trouble over the broken door.
Dragging a half naked Scottle with them, they ran out down the corridor.
After coming to a dead end, they panicked.
“Oi, it’s no problem, these guys just wanna talk, They’re really cool froods.”
They paused for a moment, and eyed Patrick suspiciously.
“Patrick, are you sure? Last time you said that they turned out to be space pirates.” Anna stated, matter of factly.
“Yeah, and what happened after that?”
Anna reminisced for a moment. Patrick was right, they did give Patrick a large sum of gold after he cracked a few jokes, and they played some music. Come to think of it, that was the best gig they ever had.
“Fair deal.”
Anna and the rest of the gang walked over to the men in cloaks. As she did one came to greet them.
“Quickly, I implore you, come. Terrible things are afoot.”
Patrick turned sharply to him.
“I didn’t stand in something ugly, did I?”
He checked his foot. The man waved his hand negatively.
“no, no no… it’s just a saying, but it sounded more fantasy then saying ‘the shit has hit the fan’.”
“the what, hitting what?”
“Never mind, You guys aren’t from around here.” the man said.
“How do you know?” Anna blurted out.
“Well, allow us to introduce ourselves…” he said, in a fantastical tone.
“We are the Rockult, the protectors of the happiness of earth, the secret founders of music, the men in the shadows, the underlying metaphor of the-”
“Yeah, we get it, your cool dudes.” Meg interrupted.
“Yes.” the man said.
“I am the one who by the naming ceremony of the cult has been designated Whalley.”
“What was you’re name before that?” Em asked politely.
“Whalley.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, it’s quite a silly ceremony really. Anyway, we implore you to come to our hidden base.”
“Why?”
“The shit has hit the fan, remember?”
“Oh yeah…I still don’t get it, but I’ll come. We’ve wrecked this hotel enough.”
Scottle emerged from the end of the corridor, looking like he had a very bad headache.
“Where we goin’?” he said, wearily.


* * *


After walking for half an hour, falling into a ditch and swearing a good deal at Patrick, for no apparent reason, they came upon a large boulder, shaped like a rock.
“Welcome, to the Rock stone.” Whalley said, very mystically
“Oh Guitar…what a cliché. The only way you could have made that any more cliché would by calling it the Rock Rock.” Patrick moaned.
Whalley looked uncomfortable for a moment.
“Yes, well, we only just got it changed from that….we’re not good with names…or naming ceremonies…. We’re the best for music.”
“What sort do you play?”
“Well, we used to play classical, that was really good, but then we moved onto rock, it’s more powerful for what we intend to do.”
“What’s classical music?” Anna inquired.
“It’s like…. Say, music from hundreds of years ago, and older instruments.”
“How does that work? Our music’s’ been rock for millennia!” Patrick interjected.
“Yeah, I know, but not here. That’s actually the problem, or at least half of it. But come inside, we’re going to have a meeting.”
“What for?” They all complained.
“Well, we require your services for something. We will explain what inside.”
Whalley suddenly yelled at the boulder very angrily. Anna wondered why for a few seconds. Suddenly, the rock moved aside, revealing a small passageway inside.
Whalley led the gang inside.
The interior was so big it would be more accurate to class it as the exterior.
Inside was a massive studio, a huge theatre, with lights glinting and the scaffolding of the stage was so intricate it boggled the eyes.
There were many small buildings set up against the wall of the cave, and Whalley led them into one of them.
The interior of the building looked exactly like an office boardroom. Seats were laid out for Anna, Meg, Em and Scottle. Patrick was purposely not given a seat, so sat on the table instead. Whalley stood at the front head of the table.
“Right. Ladies and Gentleman…“
“Gentlemen.” Patrick said.
“I’m afraid not.“ Whalley said. “You guys really did well in coming here. We can’t thank you enough. We need you to help earth. Save it, in a sense. It’s got problems.”
“What? What with?
“Simply…humanity. The human race is becoming unhappier every day. People no longer believe in themselves, and they’re basically a right miserable lot. This we think is because music no longer effects them in the way it used too. Music makes happiness, and this is what the Rockult was set up for. The bad part is that Rock music is being forgotten, and now, the youths regard the music as ‘old stuff only dads listen too’. We need you to use the power of music to save the world from misery.”

“Bollocks.” said Patrick. He had come to like that word very much. “This earth aint any different to Orion’s Testicle. Their fine!”
“Patrick, those girls you found in the shower are now at the police station crying.” Whalley explained. “They’re depressed.”
Patrick was puzzled.
“Why?”
Whalley looked down for a moment.
“Because humans can’t see the good side of things. Not generally anyways. Those girls thought you were going to sexually assault them against their will…”
“Not against their will! I was about to impress them.”
Anna looked across from the table.
“With what?” she blurted out.
“My massive wan-”
“Shoosh.” Anna interrupted. She gestured to Whalley. “Continue…”
“that’s why we need you. The earth needs to cheer up, and you have the song we require.”
“What, you mean Cuttlefish? How could you know about that?” Meg questioned.
“I read it on an internet forum…” Whalley replied.
“Ah, you can get everything on those.”
Whalley stopped for a moment, and made a whirring noise. Searching his pant pocket, he pulled out a phone. Anna realised that it was the phone whirring, not Whalley, as that would have been silly. Whalley flipped it open, and started talking.
“what…you want it…now?…I’m in a meeting….oh….oooooo….well….”
He flipped the phone shut.
“Sorry, I’ll be back in ten minutes. I’m off for a leg over.” Whalley said. “Help yourself to peanuts.”