Orion's Testicle

Chapter 18 - Earthbound Enigmacy

A kettle boiled.
The previous sentence, although a very good opening for a chapter, and holding good of intrigue, was too unspecific to carry forward.
Therefore in the interests of the readers clarity of mind, the beginning sentence will be explained and rewritten below.
The kettle belonged to the owner of the kettle, whose name is John. John was the person who opened the Conclius Portal and left it open, allowing the group to accidentally come through.
The teenagers where now sitting rather uncomfortably in John’s embarrassingly small living quarters.
They where looking rather dauntingly at the boiling water in the cauldron-like spouted container.
Anna had learned a good lesson not from her recent experience as a toddler and was very wary of strange liquids, especially ones with the potential to inflict second-degree burns.
“There’s only enough for four, who’s gonna take a miss?”
no answer.
“that’ll be me then..” he said unhappily.
“How do you like it?”
“Well, how exactly can you like poison??” Meg blurted
“Poison? It’s not poison, it’s hot tea, don’t you have that on Orion II?
“OF COURSE NOT!! We have proper normal drinks like….” Meg thought about this for a second, and realised she had little argument. “Okay, we have equally, if not more strange drinks, but still.”
“Still what?”
“Never mind.”
“Two Sugars or twenty?”
Anna thought for a moment, then spoke.
“It has sugar in it, it has to be good. Twenty.”
“And who is going to do without?”
“Patrick.” They all said in unison, including patrick, rather strangely.
He poured the tea.
Anna was slightly put of by the unpleasant brown colour, as any teenager would, but the drink itself tastes nothing short of delicious. It had a mildly relaxing effect, like dipping your throat into a hot bath.
“Anyways, you must drink up. I must send you to the planet’s surface.”
“What’s it like?”
“Oh, mostly harmless, not much difference to your world. However, avoid Cliff Richard like the plague.”
“The plague?”
“Never mind.”
“You’ll be needing money, but don’t worry to much. Due to the exchange rate of the planet earth’s currencies coupled with the rarity of the Orionan buck, one buck amounts to precisely four million, three hundred and forty-seven thousand six hundred and 8 pounds and sixty nine pence.
They searched their pockets.
Anna picked up the ten pound she earned from her not quite so near death experience.
“Ten bucks.” She said. “How much is that worth?”
“Forty-three million, four hundred and seventy thou-“
“Yes, thanks…” Anna interrupted.
“I would advise that you don’t spend it all at once, or the world’s economy will collapse, which is universally a bad thing. Rules are Rules, and these Rules are that you have two days to accomplish business here and then I grab you back to Orion II. And don’t tell anyone on this planet where you’re from, they have a sort of penchant for xenophobia, and big guns. If you have any questions, consult this brochure. Your money will be transferred onto this debit card.”
“We have those on Orion II; only they’re called debit cubes.
“Good, that saves a lot of time explaining about monthly payments and interest.
He handed them the leaflet, entitled ‘So you haven’t a clue what your doing on this freaking planet’ and a debit card.
“Well, I suppose I had better press this button thingy. Goodbye.”
He pressed the button.

The teenagers’ world flickered for a moment, and tasted mildly of the colour blue.

With a fizz, a whirl and various other indiscriminate noises Anna and her friends materialised rather comfortably inside the dressing room of Debhenams in Kingston
Unfortunately, this dressing room was occupied by a young girl, looking almost exactly like Anna. The only way they could be told apart from each other is that the girl in the changing room had her hair dyed, and of course was in the middle of trying on some blue stripy underwear.
Anna frowned at her in a confused manner for a moment, and pointed. She then decided it would be far too confusing to work out
After disengaging their elbows from the scantily-clad girl, they quickly ran out into the lingerie section of Debhenams.
“Who was that girl?”
The male members of the group were too pre-occupied by the shelves and shelves of exciting underwear.
Anna found this very annoying, and she was very disappointed with Scottle. She vented her frustration by moving over to the frozen fish section, grabbing a fish and slapping them both roundly across the cheek.
Scottle immediately thought better then to look at the underwear, but Patrick was very annoyed. He picked an almost identical fish and slapped Anna back. This marked the second time she was hit by an icy-herring.
“I hate fish…” Anna sighed as she wiped ice of her forehead.
“Where are we?”
“I think we’re in a mall, but they have far too crap underwear. Most of them look like they’ve been converted from swimming caps, or used to trawl fish.

Earths underwear is unanimously considered to be the second worse in the Milky Way. During a fashion show (Held on Essenem, the most naughty planet in the galaxy), Sintha Silicone (the Great, wise and overly sexual) said that she would have rather ‘crudely affix a barbed Nonafuncle to my groin then were those awful earth knickers’.
This could be attributed to the extra dozen pair of legs she had to fit into the underwear, or perhaps because she was trying on men’s briefs instead.
The absolute worst underwear was worn by a small religious tribe somewhere in the vicinity of the planet Frogsnob, where the tribesmen would strap high powered electrodes to their groins, in a bizarre and unexplained belief that it enhances their libido.

Anna turned to Patrick.
“Did that girl in the box-thing seem almost exactly like me?”
Patrick responded with intellect that could only be expected from someone of his stature.
“I’m hungry.” He spoke unconcernedly
Such wisdom inspired the rest of the group, and their tummies began to ache triumphantly as the gang realised it was just about tea-time.
“Damn it. Me too…where do we eat in this place?”
Scottle spoke out.
“I think that place over there sells food, the one with all the fat people coming out.”
“Where?”
“Near the big ‘M’ sign.”
Scottle pointed over the heads of some generally very unhappy looking people.
Anna followed his finger and saw the restaurant. It was brightly coloured, and seemed somewhat out of place amongst the dull, boring grey buildings. It had tropical plants in the window, bright reds, yellows and greens, and dozens of screaming children coming out of it. Anna thought it looked like a Rastafarians salad bar.
They walked in slightly disapprovingly.
They were slightly confused by the customers already inside. They had formed a peculiar line towards the boy on the till.
Anna assumed that this was some clever tactic to disguise their numbers, in the hope that they would not appear fat for ordering so much. She walked past the line, and found an attendant who was strangely avoided by the other customers.
“Hello, I’d like to order something, please.”
The attendant looked towards the ceiling, and gave a look of ultimate philosophy, concentration and understanding.
“Hello? Excuse me.” Anna repeated.
The floor manager came over, apparently noticing the problem.
“What’s the matter?” he said, as if he had the authority to boss everyone in the shop, which incidentally, he did.
“This guy won’t even listen to me.”
The floor manager absolutely ignored her, and looked at the vacant attendant expectantly.
Silence.
More silence.
An annoying amount of silence.
“I think….” The attendant began, “…that someone is talking to me, reaching out from the nether, but I also think it would be unthinkable to think it real without thought over proof.
“I think that’s good thinking, Paul.” Said the manager. “However, consider contemplating this. You think someone’s talking to you, at least that’s what I think I thought you said, but you thought it unthinkable to think that without thinking of the consequences of it being false thought. However, I think it’s worth the thought that this could be someone trying to contact you, and I think it’s best to think yourself safe by replying to what you think you’re hearing, just in case.”
The Attendant acknowledged these words sagely.
“I’m thinking your right.”
“Hello?? Are you even listening to me?!” Anna blurted at them.
“Quiet! Can’t you see we’re busy thinking?” They instantly retorted.
They returned to their exchange of thought.
“I think that this is all very well, rash thought aside. But I know what your thinking, it’s what I’m also thinking.”
“Say it out loud, just so I can think we’re on the same plane of thought.”
“I’m thinking about contemplating the fact…”
“Yes?”
“That our shift’s just finished.”
“I think you’re right.”
Anna helplessly pointed at them as they walked out of the staff door, at the exact moment a new staff member walked in.
“Hello, can I help?”
“We’d like the most filling and most expensive thing on the menu, please.”
“You’ll be wanting the Big Mac, then.”
“Is that some sort of bomb?”
“Deadlier, it’s a burger.”
“8 please.” Anna said.
They proceeded to have the worst meal in their lifetime. Patrick adequately described it as ‘Like cow, liquidised and reconstituted in burger form between week old bread softened with acid.
This couldn’t have been farther from the truth, as it was in fact not made of bread at all.

They went out feeling empty bellied, but mysteriously devoid of hunger. This of course simply made them feel very tired.
Patrick has the brilliantly novel idea of finding a place to stay, which was immediately stolen by Anna and passed off as her own.
“We should find a place to stay.” Anna said
They went wandering and wandering, and then lost the plot on why they were wandering and so passed the time between by wandering even more. After this wandering, they stumbled upon a hotel.
It was clean, well run and staffed very nicely. The rooms where well decorated, and had a good vibe flowing through them. The owner was a pleasant fellow with long wavy brown hair. The hotel worked, and everything was calm and peaceful inside.
A fiery rage locked up in Patrick burst out. He became overwhelmed with the desire to cause as much havoc as possible.
He ran off from the gang at the reception, and disappeared.
Anna once again pointed her hand at Patrick helplessly, but decided he wasn’t worth the bother.
“Can I help you, madam?” a voice called to her.
Anna turned round and saw the attendant, a pleased looking middle aged woman, looking at her inquisitively.
“Yeah, we’d like rooms enough for 5, please.”
“We don’t have 5 single rooms, is it okay if two of you take a double?” She asked helpfully.
Anna glanced at Scottle with a naughty smile, then turned back to the attendant.
“Yes, I think that’ll do nicely.” She replied.
“Okay, how long are you staying for?”
“Just the night.”
“Okay, can I have your credit card and signature, please?”
“Sure thing…” Anna fished into her pockets (which where actually Scottle’s pockets) and took out the credit card John the guard had given to her. She handed the attendant the card and signed the paper as ‘Betty Swollocks”.
“Thank you, you rooms are upstairs on the left, numbers 2-6. Dinner will be served in a few hours.” She handed Anna the keys.