Orion's Testicle

Chapter 17.5 - Something Hard

They hit something hard.
They could tell they hit something hard as their eyes were open during the experience and there was a large neon sign on what they hit saying ‘Something Hard’.
After hitting Something Hard, Patrick leapt to his feet and brushed himself off, as if he was a panther on a sugar rush.
The aubergine boat flew out of the portal behind and hit him, knocking him unconscious.
Scottle attempted to regain his footing by flipping onto his feet like he saw in a ninja film one time, but with the unfortunate result of his legs falling over his head in a confusing, illogical yet still on the whole very painful way.
Anna, whom had just regained consciousness after hitting her forehead rather nastily on the neon sign, and ran over to Scottle’s’ aid, but tragically tripped over an unconscious Patrick and fumbled onto the floor.
This stirred Meg, who sat up, decided it wasn’t worth the bother to help and promptly went back to sleep.
Em (whom for no apparent or justified reason will be referred to as Lemlie for the rest of the chapter) woke up about twenty minutes later and took in her surroundings. They seemed totally alien to her.
In actual fact, the room was decorated in old English style wallpaper and mahogany furniture bought from a very nice man, at a good price for the quantity.
Of course, Lemlie had never seen or heard of England, mahogany, nor had she spoken to the very nice man selling the furniture, so it was quite understandable that she seemed rather frightened.
It was even more understandable that she almost soiled herself when a forty-three year old guard greeted her from behind in a strong north English accent.
The man laid his hand on Lemlie’s shoulder.
“Alreet there pet?”
He said it in quite a calm voice, but it did sound as if he was having a hard time down his throat, like he had swallowed a pine cone or some pieces of sandpaper.
“yer needing anything?”
Lemlie span round and had a look at him. He reminded her of someone she had seen on Orion’s Testicle, but she couldn’t quite put whom.
“Where am I?” she said with a quiver.
“Your on earth.” He said with a croak.
Lemlie looked down for a moment, then replied.
“Yes….I see, but where am I?
“Earth…it’s a planet.”
What a sucky name for a planet, thought Lemlie.
“I know it’s a sucky name. Don’t blame me, I would have called it Water instead.
“ I don’t see any water.”
“Oh, that’s because this is the centre of the planet, made of solid Iron and Nickel. Took us donkey’s years to carve this cavern into it. But that’s not important I need you, you, you, you and you to come to the registrar office.”
Lemlie looked around, and saw that all of the gang had reawakened from sleep.
“come, this wee.”
Patrick had somehow managed to get a leatherback turtle stuck behind his glasses. Quite how he managed to get said marine life behind his glasses is not worth the time to explain, as there can be no doubt the same situation and action can ever be re-created with the same effect.
It did leave the group feeling very confused.
“I’m terribly sorry, but I haven’t got a fretting clue where we are, why we’re here and why Patrick has a leatherback turtle in his face.”
The guard paused for a moment, possibly out of confusion, but he had had a hard day so far and woken up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, so it could have been for anything.
“Don’t you know anything?”
This rather annoyed the group, whom where all particularly smart-assed from the Education Chair.
“So, you obviously must have come here accidentally, and judging by the aubergine boat, you’ve come from that testicular planet near Orion. This, my friends, is planet Earth.”
His last statement was interrupted as Anna, Meg and Lemlie grabbed their stomachs and growled in pain.
Scottle ran to her aid.
“Are you okay?”
Anna’s face was red with frustration at what seemed to be every possible thing in the universe.
“OF COURSE IM FRETTING NOT!”
“Whatever’s the matter?”
Anna gave Scottle an example of pain she was feeling, which in physicality was a sharp kick to the groin.
Scottle crumpled onto the floor, followed by Anna, Meg and Em, clutching their groins.
Patrick stood, taking in the scene, his ‘friends’ in pain and looked very smug with himself.
As if by the same cosmic force that summoned the leatherback turtle, a log on a rope swung down from above and connected bluntly with his groin.
The solid clang reassured him that he has still got S.L and he looked even smugger with himself.
Again, the cosmic force (who can now be positively identified as the author) caused the leather back turtle to fall rather bluntly on his head. He was knocked unconscious for the third time this week.

On a final note, no leatherback turtles were harmed during the writing of this chapter. Several walruses got lost in a busy airport and goldfish died of hydrophobia, but that was it.