Breathing Room

My Daddy Loves Me

Between Father's Day and June 21st I have the most uncomfortable conversations with my dad. My dad and I don't talk on a regular basis at all. I talk to my mom pretty regularly and she gives me updates.

My dad and I have always had issues. Growing up I was supposed to be like the Williams sisters in tennis - my dad was one of those dads - but I managed to rebel because although I love tennis and still do and play I also love basketball and had to play it as well. So athletics is a big part of my relationship with my dad.

Even now when we do have conversations - they're mainly empty filled with what team is playing what in basketball or who might win Wimbledon. I use to be so angry at my dad. Always wanting this close relationship with him, being able to tell him things and get his advice and it took me many years to realize that would never happen.

I started this journal where I wrote down all of my feelings about him and me and what I felt about all of our issues. I was angry and I planned on sending it to him after I felt I had said all I needed to say. But somehow through God and through me putting my thoughts and feelings to paper I was able to sort of go through this process of forgiving my dad. I realized that my dad is my dad and parents aren't perfect. Yeah there is a LOT of things I wish were different in terms of our relationship but when I look back on my childhood all I remember is how good it was - and it was but growing up I also realized that father's are very important to their daughters and though I tried to act like I'm fine either way, I wasn't.

So I had begun the process of forgiving my dad and eventually I did. Its much easier to let anger go than to hold onto it. Despite that fact, I still find it uncomfortable to really talk to my dad and every year his b-day is either on Father's Day or just before or just after. I got through the phone calls this year and I'm relieved.

I love my dad and I love being around him when I visit home - he's hilarious - but there's this disconnect I feel over the phone when I talk to him that I can't seem to get away from. This I time I did get a surprise though, before I got off the phone I told him I loved him, and not expecting him to say it but to say bye (because that seems to make him uncomfortable) I heard him him say love you to. Writing this I feel as though it could have just been my imagination but I know it wasn't. My daddy loves me.