Breathing Room

Do NOT Shoosh Me!

Dave and I had a fight last night. Not anything like the past, with yelling or mean words or anything over the top but it hit harder without all the usual drama.

I'm sitting at my computer, finally surfing the net comfortably at home doing my thing and I'm hearing Dave constantly sighing. Now that shit gets on my nerves! What the hell are you sighing for over and over again - clearly you have a problem but instead of voicing this problem its been relegated to constant sighs every 30 fucking seconds.

So I'm sitting there trying to wait it out. Actually I'm working on scanning some pictures to download for you all to see, which by the way was hampered due to the this sighing medley - and the two pictures I was able to scan now I don't want to post - for fear of harsh judgement (not really) but suddenly I don't like the way I look in them and well anyway....

So its clear that I will be unable to outlast the sighs, so I stay calm (honestly!) and try this the adult way. I ask him what's wrong?

Nothing....what's wrong? Nothing? Okay do you not want to tell me because something is obviously wrong...after five tries ...he's upset because it seems that after he cooks he's always putting away the food and so on and so forth.

Now he does have a point. My week to cook, he cleans and his week to cook I clean, but lately due to him being home he's done more of the cleaning of the kitchen...

so I say okay well all you had to do was tell me and I'd of put the food away...long story short, suddenly my tone has become unacceptable. I'm sitting there congratulating myself on speaking to him in a regular tone, trying to find out what's wrong and have an adult conversation and suddenly my tone is unacceptable and this is an argument.

To Dave if he doesn't want to have a conversation to avoid what he knows is sure to come its an argument. I'm like how are we arguing when I'm just talking to you trying to understand what's going on. He tells me this is what he wanted to avoid.

A conversation?

I'm like no one is yelling, I'm not speaking to you disrespectfully, sarcastically or snidely (which he accused me of) but because you just want to be angry and not talk at all -in your opinion its an argument with unacceptable tones.

I can't take this. I was actually trying and being calm and when you do go fucking nuts its oh I knew this would happen blah fucking blah and so I work hard to avoid that scene and the same fucking thing occurs.

He tells me well eventhough you think you were speaking fine, and I'm sure it was unintentional you could have worked to change your tone. You mean my normal speaking voice which anything better than that would be WHISPERING!

I mean I'm a person who people think is loud in general. I admit in general I talk a little louder than the average person, but I'm full of laughs and jokes and anyone who knows me (including Dave) knows and that the way I was speaking to him was considerably lower than usual. I mean my friends are always teasing me about my inside voice and lack thereof.

Dave grew up in a world with his mom constantly shooshing him and his family - outside, in restaurants wherever. Me on the otherhand grew up in a family where we were competing for the floor - telling jokes, laughing, it was always a stage. My dad would tell these outrageous stories when were out dining in a restaurant and we would be seriously cracking up - I mean this is the freedom I'm used to. We're not ridiculous, but we're far from quiet people. I mean Dave shooshed me in the car when I said something about a neighbor because she was out on her porch - mind you we're a little bit down the block and inside of the car!!!

He doesn't shoosh me anymore. I am not to be shooshed.

So anyway I'm so over this relationship, this crap, this unhappiness over every little thing. I swear Dave has constant PMS these days. And I don't need the heartache, the headache or the tears. (Suddenly me, somone who hates crying thought it was weak, then realized its not - but now I feel like I cry a little too damn much, but not in Dave's presence if I can help it)

No comments on the relationship. I know what I should do, could do, need to do, would be happier if I did - believe me I KNOW...so until the moment of truth happens I'll write about this bullshit now, and two days from now I'll write about what great times we're having and two days from there more bullshit until the cycle eventually runs its course and ya'll will be here to help me pick up the pieces.