Catching Idle Butterflies

I got some �splainin� to do

Some entries are more difficult to write than others. We stare at that crap we wrote and wonder if we should hit that terrible little button Save Entry! and make everyone read it, hate it, and walk away for forever.

I have thought that many times. Today is no different. I don’t want to write this, and I certainly don’t want to post it.

But each time I shoved that fear aside, I ended up pleasantly and tearfully surprised you didn’t hate what I wrote, you didn’t walk away never to return, but left comments confirming the exact opposite of my fears.

I’m holding on to that hope again as I write and post this. I’m discovering the things that are the most difficult to write and make public are the ones that need to be written and exposed above all others.

After receiving comments of late saying I’m too hard on myself, I feel now is the time to tell you a bit more about how I tick.

I grew up convinced I was ugly. Having enough people tell me so year after year convinced me of that. Now, though I have many tell me I’m pretty, some even going so far as to use “beautiful,” I have learned to say thank you and go on. But it doesn’t sink in as quickly as thinking I’m ugly. Now I don’t think I’m ugly anymore, but I don’t see myself as pretty, certainly not beautiful. I’m plain, blending in with the crowd easily. Believe it or not, I’m comfortable with that. I don’t want to be beautiful, because that kind of beauty is fleeting. Thinking I’m plain, passable, well there’s freedom in that, because when things start to sag and wrinkle, oh well, I haven’t lost anything.

As some of you know, people criticized me in other ways, such as how I felt and how I treated others, telling me I wasn’t good enough, that I needed to change. It became such a constant growing up, I now do it to myself, much quicker than anyone can do it to me. It’s a defense mechanism. It’s less painful when I tell myself I suck than to have someone else inform me of it.

The one thing I was never criticized on was my intelligence, and talents such as writing and art, however. Quite the opposite in fact. Therefore, all my energies went into, and still go into, increasing those things, learning and growing as much as I can, because I have no doubt I will succeed.

Mix that confidence and that enured necessity to constantly try to better my imperfect self, and you get who I am today.

I don’t self-criticize to bring myself down, but to lift me up. This blog is intended as a record of my journey to become the best I can be, the best God wants me to be.

If you haven’t read them all yet, I suggest you read all the comments in yesterday’s entry. They are the perfect example of why I want to save not just my entries but all the comments. Much more wisdom can be found there than with my words alone.

I want to highlight the gist of the comments, which basically say God is using me, is using my gifts and talents to further whatever future He intends for me, and that I should give myself a break.

I don’t argue that. Yet, when I go back to my previous entries, I can see, in a mere seven months, my faith and my ability to express it has grown much more than I could have guessed back in November. That’s partly due to me being hard on myself.

I want to be honest about who I am, both my flaws and the things that don’t need changing.

The reason this is a difficult entry to write and submit is because I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate your comments, that I don’t want you to continue to give me advice and encouraging words. You help me to be more honest in who I am, and not go too far in either my confidence or my humility. I long for that to continue.

On A Lighter Note
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Have you ever noticed some decisions seem to make themselves?

Turns out I’m gonna do that teaching thing with AUGI after all, and it wasn’t a conscious decision on my part.

Yesterday I started out researching other courses to see what other teachers were doing, and to figure out how difficult or easy it would be so I could then decide if I had the time, knowledge and ability to do the same.

The next thing I know, I was filling out the provided Course Outline and Proposal form, as well as beginning a lesson plan. If this keeps up, I’ll have it done within the next 2-3 weeks. I’m going to email the proposal on Monday. I’m not sending it now, because I want to wait for a response to an email I sent asking a few questions about the course, such as what prospective students are looking for. I don’t want to write a course no student would be interested in learning. I’ll still stick to the course subject I’m writing now, because I didn’t see anything like it in other courses on the site, and I use these features all the time. Quite the time-savers they are! I just want to know what other subjects they’re looking for, just in case I want to do more.

Thank you all for your encouragement! I think, at least subconsciously, they helped me decide to do this, and I am really looking forward to it.