Catching Idle Butterflies

Spiritual exhaustion

I’m exhausted, spiritually. It’s not an exhaustion that leaves me bereft, but instead feels like I ran a marathon and completed it at a better time than all the marathons I’ve run before.

I spent a lot of time on the "Invalid Item"  as well as having a deep spiritual discussion with chalaedra yesterday.

Things I would have shied away, if not run away, from not that long ago. Does this mean I have grown in my faith some? Have I learned a thing or two, enough to be able to defend them, even?

I think so, but it’s also tiring. Who knew stating what I believe, no holds barred, yet still be respectful could wear me out?

It’s tough, this being honest, with having the courage to argue when others disagree. Still, in the back of my mind, with every word I type, I fear I will offend, that I have not the knowledge, tact, or vocabulary to write clear and concise, in the end being misunderstood.

That is I think what wore me out. It was moving forward when nearly every part of me screamed I had to stop.

Sometimes I wonder when this fighting with my fears, my timidity, and my overactive sense of self-depreciation will end. I don’t fight with others as much as I fight having to fight with others.

I don’t have a choice anymore. I have this passion, this need to speak out what I believe. This is more than just new to me. It goes against my nature. I’m worse than a wallflower. I’m a boat so rickety the tiniest wave will cause it to sink. I avoid any situation that will cause the water to move. Even, smooth, without so much as a breeze to ripple the water, and I’m comfortable, safe.

Some of you might find that hard to believe, but I’m also comfortable here. I know I can be me, because you accept me with all of my blemishes, occasional insanity and stupidity. That alone has helped my courage to row my boat into scarier waters farther from shore.

That doesn’t mean I don’t come home exhausted from the strain of pushing passed those fears as much as the physical exertion of all that rowing against the turbulent sea.

I wish I could take a break, but I feel God pushing me to continue on learning, growing, and speaking out.

The only way my boat will hold up is if I depend on God to keep patching up the holes. I will sink for certain if I don't.