Straight No Chaser

Emeralds, or, Damaged Goods

my huge secret is that my mouth has never been on anyone but marcus. not even the ex-boyfriend, not for so much as a kiss.

i don't think marcus knows that, even though i'd like him to--i haven't figured out a way to work it into conversation, and it doesn't seem like something i should be proud of. which, perhaps, is why i'm not, and why i don't just blurt it out randomly when we're having one of his purity talks. whatever.

not that that makes me not damaged, because i'm still the stupidest person i know. and anyway, damage comes in forms so much more poignant than the sexual variety.

for instance: my brother graduated from high school today. his best friend, who would have graduated with him, was in a fatal car crash early last year, and so did not. she and her older sister had academic careers roughly parallel to mine and chad's, starting in preschool, so her mother, a family acquaintance, has worked at becoming a family friend since the loss. understandably, she wants to keep chad in her life, as a link between the family and their lost daughter.

she didn't come to the official ceremony at constitution hall this morning (too difficult), but came to our house for chad's party afterward, and was soooo friendly, sooooo gracious, looked at soooooooo many pictures of an ever-bigger and handsomer chad. she stayed for about an hour and her face was red the whole time, it glistened, and her voice was high and delicate and anxious and excited, and i can't imagine how she felt, watching chad model his cap and gown, watching my mom snap endless pictures of the diploma. i can't imagine, but i admire her tremendously for making the effort she did.

damaged goods, because it'll probably be years before she can attend a happy event like that and not be suspected of concealing her sadness. how do you lose a child and still find reason to feel happy for anyone else who gets to keep hers?

and if you can wonder how i could call him my boyfriend without ever kissing him, well, that is a distant second on my list of examples as to how strange life is.