Spam Haiku Story

A Work Draw

Hate your job, you say?
Why not trade for a new one!
Just try a "Work Draw"!

Sounds like a good deal to me.

"What does this paragraph above the signature block on the contract say?" I ask the man. "The print is pretty small, I can't quite read it."

"Don't worry about that, it's just legal boilerplate. Just sign below, the sooner we get your signature on the contract, the sooner you'll be rid of that bad old job and on your way to an exciting new career! And don't forget our money back guarantee!"

"Well OK, I guess I got nothing to lose," I say as I sign the papers.

I notice a line of seedy looking men standing near the company's information desk. One of them is arguing with the woman behind the counter, but I can't hear what he's saying.

"What's going on over there?" I ask the man as I hand him my signed contract.

"We get all kinds of people here at Work Draw. Some of them are pretty desperate and they get upset when they can't find a job they like. We try our best, but we can't always please everyone."

"Oh, sure, I understand." I reply.

"OK, here you go," the man says as he hands me a sealed manila envelope. "Your new employer's name and address are inside. Report to them at 7 AM sharp tomorrow to start your new job! Good luck!"

I used to have a pretty stressful job. Daily meetings with high profile managers, trying to manage costs within budgets, constant bombardment with emails and phone calls, I was getting ulcers. So I decided to sign up with one of the new "job exchanges" that are popping up. "Work Draw" was supposed to be one of the best, so that's how I ended up here.

They guarantee not to place you in a position you aren't suited for, you will definitely get a job in a field where you have experience. And the profile tests you take when you sign up with Work Draw assure that you will be able to handle the physical and psychological aspects of your new job.

As high as my salary was in my old position, I had to be willing to take a 30% pay cut to be eligible to exchange my job for one with less psychological stress. But it was worth it to me to get out of management, or so I thought...

So my new job is working on a construction team that sets tile for thr new government office buildings. I'm only an apprentice, so I get to haul tile, adhesive, sacks of grout, and do all the cleanup. Physically, my body is in pretty good shape for a middle aged guy, so I can handle the work, but I go home exhausted every night. And since it's a union job with very few openings, it might be five years or more before I can get past the apprentice stage.

On my lunch break I go back to the Work Draw office to see if I can trade again. I finally get through the line at the information desk and ask the woman if there are any other jobs available for me. She hands me a printout: Sewage Worker, Sanitation Truck Driver's assistant, Pest Control Apprentice, ...none of them are very appealing.

"Don't you have anything else?" I ask her.

"Not at your experience and stress requirements," she replies.

"Well, I'm not satisfied, so I want my money back! Now!" I tell her.

"Sir, you know that isn't possible. If you read the agreement you signed, it clearly states that if you are unable to find acceptable employment through us, if you register to collect State Unemployment and they cannot find you something within three months, then we will refund your money."

Ever since the "Republican Revolution", anyone who dares to collect State unemployment is unofficially branded an "Enemy of the State". Supposedly it illegal to blackball people on unemployment, but it's pretty well known that once you register for it, no respectable employer will touch you ever again.

"OK, forget about the money back guarantee, can I just have my old job back?"

She looks at the database: "That position has been filled. I can put you on the waiting list if the new person quits... although that doesn't seem likely...."

"What about if you raise my stress levels back to my previous job level?" I say, getting desperate.

She punches the numbers into the computer, waits for the upload, and says. "Sorry Sir, nothing else is available at this time. Feel free to check back later. Remember, at Work Draw, we're always here to help..."

"Yeah, sure," I mutter as I turn to walk away.

"Sir, will you be leaving the Tileworker's Apprentice position? I need to know, because we have three men on the wait list for that position..."

"No, I'll be staying at it, at least until I find something better," I tell her.