Breathing Room

I Admit

I admit I have a horrible, terible time telling Dave I'm sorry. Its really twisted and messed up but I really have a problem spitting the words out. I'll have them right there on my tongue ready to be said and then they get stuck and I can't even force them out and sadly to say I re-think the situation to go over if it was my fault and I find that it was (absolutely) and I'm still stuck.

Big SIGH

I can't explain my thought process. Its like I hate to admit that I'm wrong but not really. Because when I tell him -okay I was wrong- in a smart alecky or sincerely or angrily way I can't seem to manage the apology.

On the other hand Dave is a great apologizer. I used to believe that he just always apologized so that he could later point out that he always apologizes to have that over me (which he does sometimes) but truly Dave apologizes so sincerely and from the heart that to hear him apologize at times makes me feel so bad because its extremely rare for me to do it so sincerely. I know that sounds bad but its the sad truth.

Many times when I'm wrong about something I'll think in my head very sincerely about what I want to say and how I want to say it and when I sum up the courage to say it -suddenly I get angry or I start to mumble and it comes out like I'm some child whose parents just forced them to apologize to a playmate. Then I feel embarrased at my horrible apology and get angry to cover that up (sigh) poor Dave he's learned to except these not so great, should be so much better apologies.

Dave and I communicate so differently. He says something and I hear something different and vice versa. When we finally are able to spell out what we both meant -therein lies the problem. The other day on the way to chuch I was going to drive my car because I had a party to go to afterwards. Now I couldn't find my insurance papers and finally I gave up. Dave was helping my stick on my new registration stickers and I told him I was worried about not having my insurance in the car and that maybe I shouldn't drive. He says well if you have your new stickers on the they shouldn't have a reason to stop you. I'm still lingering, unsure and he asks me what did I plan to do if I didn't drive.

Now I took that to mean, you're not driving my car if that's your plan B. So I snap at him and say angrily -whatever I'll drive you don't have to worry. And he's like what? What do you mean? So I tell him, well if I don't drive my car then I'd have to take yours...and he says...oh okay, I was just asking.

So as we drive to church, separately I'm thinking about the situation and I realize that David really meant no harm when he asked me that and I suddenly got defensive and mean acting as if he was in the wrong. I started to feel bad because he had just been telling me about this kind of behavior and I had no idea what he meant until I was actually in the situation.

So I come up with this heartfelt apology in my head, because I really did feel bad, and I practiced what I would say in my head and everything. I wanted to surprise him.

So we get there and he meets me as I get out of my car and I choke on the words I meant to say, but I want to say something and I manage to sincerely get out "Sorry for snapping at you." And he looks at me and smiles and says that's okay.

Mind you, I had so much more planned to say, but what can I say, I'm a work in progress...