Straight No Chaser

Ick

1. do you ever see garbage bags on the side of the highway and wonder if there are body parts inside?
i've never wondered that, in particular, no. but one time marcus and i were walking to krispy kreme in mid-november, and lying on the street was what looked very much like a baby wrapped up in a trenchcoat. ever since then, every time i see a crush of papers, a manhole or a snowdrift, anything big enough to conceal a discarded baby, my dialing thumb always hovers near the nine, just in case i have to call the police again.

2. if you ever got the chance to practice cannibalism, would you?
if i got the chance? come on, i don't even eat meat, and i was deeply haunted by the "milk feels pain" thing. if i had to cannibalize someone, life or death situation, i'd only do it if i didn't have to find a way to kill him first.

3. if forced to overdose on a drug, which one would you choose?
lsd or some other hallucinogen. go out in a good mood, and swinging on a giant chocolate plank suspended with gold chains from a baby tree. eating dollar salad.

4. would you rather be...
a. shot or stabbed? shot
b. asphyxiated or exsanguinated? asphyxiated
c. drowned or buried alive? no no no
d. killed by blunt-force trauma to the head or crushed to death? the first one
e. poisoned or overdosed? poi-soned!
f. killed by a flesh-melting virus or by rats or ants slowly pecking at you? oh jesus. virus
g. killed intentionally, or by accident? intentionally
h. killed by a serial killer or a hitman? hitman
i. killed in a car crash or a plane crash? plane crash
j. killed in your home or away from home? away
k. killed in your sleep or while watching tv? sleep
l. killed by someone who knew you, a stalker or a complete stranger? a stalker

5. out of all the above choices, which one do you like best?
poisoned, because i got to sing! "that girl is poi-sonnnnnn! poi-son!" but no. hate is nothing but embittered love, it does not exist without the other, so i guess i soooort of like the idea of someone "hating" me enough to want me out of the world. plus, if i eluded death-by-hitman, it'd make for a great story.

6. what do you want done with your body when you die?
cemeteries take up so much space, so, i want to be cremated and scattered in some forest or jungle that i haven't chosen yet. i want my children/grandchildren to keep some living marker for me, nothing with my name or face or anything, just something where, when the kids see it, they remember me in the bloom of life. we have a jade plant for my grandfather, and it's gotten huge in the thirteen years he's been gone.

7. you're forced to have your funeral at a place OTHER than a church--where would it be?
barring bad weather circumstances, it would need to be outdoors anyway, so that everyone who wanted to could participate in the release of the ashes.

8. what song(s) would you want played at your funeral?
maurice ravel's "pavane for a dead princess," an unbelievably soothing rondo from the romantic era, and the piece that currently helps me sleep when i can't otherwise.

9. what outfit would you like to be buried in?
losing patience here...and since i have no idea what size i'll be, or how old, or what will be in style at the time, and since hopefully i don't own this outfit yet and won't for decades, and because anyway i said i want to be dusted and not buried, i can't answer this question.

10. who do you want to give your eulogy?
i'd love for it to be a collaborative effort on the part of all the people i'm closest to--husband and children, a close friend...and i hope my brother's still around, so, him too.

there are more questions but i'm stopping here.