My True Soul

I'm back!

I'm back...
After much debate... and looking... and thinking.... and stuff happening... I decided to start writing in this journal again. It seems to be the best one to vent how I feel. And the one where I'm the most honest with myself about everything.

*hugs journal* I've missed you.

Okay... now... back to acting like a sane human being.

I've went to a counselor recently. Why? Well, it all started with a fight I had with my mother about how I'd been acting. And about how much money I'd spent this semester. Even though alot of it was because of things I couldn't really help.

And after re-reading some of my previous entries, many of the issues with my parents have already been present this semester.

So, yes, counseling. Basically the last 2 sessions I've been to have been about my parents and I.

For many years now, I've always done this thing where I've pulled back from people around me. I think it was because I just needed some space. And in order to get it, because I never really could say I wanted not to be around my parents or my friends, I just would pull into my own little world and still go through the motions of actually being there without actually being there, if that makes any sense.

Well, this time, due to me being stressed out about things with my parents and with my future, I did the same thing. I pulled back. And I let Manda stay. But, then, she wouldn't have let me go away. She's probably the main reason I didn't just drop out of complete existence.

However, in doing this, I also began not to really pay attention as much to what was spent. Nor did I try so hard to share my life with anyone. Nor did I care. I got stuck in my own little world of trying to figure out where I was going to go in my future. And realizing that I still felt like I was 12 because so much of it had to be thought of in regard to my parents. Like being able to stay with Manda and go somewhere... if that would lead to them finding out, etc., and all this other crap.

Plus, I just got to this point where I was really unsure about where I was in my life. Such as when I needed to take the GRE and start thinking about where I could go to grad school. If I could stay where I am and actually go. What to go into for grad school.... which program ingeneral. (Clinical, Counseling, Social.)

My future needs to be decided. At the moment, it's somewhat stagnated. If I don't take the class I've signed up to take this summer (which my parents have told me I'm not going to be able to) then I'm stuck basically taking a semester of crap and one Spanish class. But since they don't really want to pay the cost of the class this summer (500), it seems that I don't have a choice but making them pay for an extra semester (2,000). Okay, so that seems a little bratty. But in someways, after the things that my mom said to me about my school and how it no longer matters how well I do or don't do. Or when I finish, what the hell does it matter? Ha. Plus, I'd like to spend some more time with Manda if at all possible. Additionally, I think I'll be able to go to MSU for grad school afterall which is slightly comforting.

Eric just made a good point. We're all stupid idiots who have no idea what we're doing, but only some people are willing to admit it. "When you are thinking about something you don't understand you have a terrible, uncomfortable feeling called confusion. The confusion is, because we are all some kind of apes that are kind of stupid trying to figure out how to put two sticks together to reach the banana, and we can't quite make it. So I always feel stupid. Once in a while, I put the two sticks together, and I reach the banana." - Richard Feynman

So my parents and I, right. My counselor, after discussing most all of this with him, he believed that my family is dysfunctional. Heh. Yeah, they are. I told him numerous things that my mom had told me. Like telling me that my dad saves his bitchiness until I get home and then lets it all come out. Basically, that their bickering that they've done the last 2 months was because of me. About how when I go home, it takes me so much time to get them to let go again. My mom fusses because I don't spend enough time with her. And she got mad at me for not coming home as much as she wanted me to. That I was taking 12 hours so I could come home every weekend, so she said. I didn't go home in Jan. (we started the 18th of the month). I went home in Feb. (about a month after we started.) I went home in March the weekend before spring break and then for spring break (a week, in the middle of the month). I went home in April for Easter (long weekend), which was a month, roughly, after Spring Break. How am I supposed to go home more really? It's ever 3-4 weeks that I go home. One of my friends only went home twice and she lives closer. Manda went home actually LESS than I did and she only lives 30 miles away where I live 180 miles away. (Only by 1 visit did she go home less, but still!!!)

This is what goes on every semester. And my dad bitched whenever he came down cause he couldn't just come down and visit. Well, every damn time he comes down, he sees something here that he feels the need to fix. This last time, the only thing I asked him to do was to put some caulk under the top of our porch because the roof had come loose. He decides to support the roof, work on the underpinning, install the new bathroom cabinet, and buy a new lawnmower. Merfk. Ya know? He'd been meaning to do the cabinet since I moved in here almost 3 years ago.

Well, my counselor, he basically said that it seemed like my parents focused their attention on me to prevent them from having to focus it on each other. This makes sense to me, especially after going home for Mother's day. The entire weekend, my parents fought and bickered. Then they'd try to get me to validate them after the other parent had left. It was all quite stupid. It made me think that maybe they should go see a marriage counselor. It'd really help them to talk about their problems that they have communicating. I think after 26 years of marriage, they don't think they have problems communicating.

Manda and I, after 8, almost 9 months, know that we have trouble communicating sometimes.

Also, my parents (mom moreso) has been asking me questions like "did he figure out what's wrong with you?" Which just kinda hurt. Well, haha, what hurt worse was when she asked me if I had "taken anything" to make me act the way I was. I was insulted. So now, apparently, there's something drastically wrong with me and my counselor must fix it. NO. After all these damn years of me wanting to be a counselor and talking about how counselors do NOT fix your problems, they merely help you find some direction and suggest some possibilities to helping things get better in your life, or helping you to deal with whatever it is.

In addition to fixing what's wrong with me, my parents keep asking me what my counselor and I talked about. "What did he have to say?" And I keep trying to give them subtle hints that it's MY damn counseling. It's absolutely none of their business and I WISH that they'd stop asking. "He said to kick us to the curb, didn't he?" Which, if you ask me, sounds like they have a bit of insecurity. I love my parents, I do. But gah, I can't stand them sometimes. (Which is normal, I believe.) And just this constant wondering of what was said, if it was about them, if I've been fixed.

Meanwhile, for the last, oh month, I think I have cried more than I have ever cried in my entire life. It hasn't been pleasant. Plus, I've felt like crap for having cried so much around Manda and getting so upset so easily. In one way, it's a really good thing. It shows that I'm comfortable enough around her to let down something that I've tried so hard not to let anyone see or even comfort me when they did see. However, it makes me feel like I'm not that strong, and basically, that I'm showing that I won't be able to support her emotionally.

Okies, well, I think I'm going to go.