Breathing Room

It Wavers

I'm a complete hypocrite and liar. Lately I've been thinking about the future and where I'd like to be in five years. Editor, married, kids not sure which order (well marriage before kids) but within the five years, not five years from now. Dave is going back to school in a five year program and we've been together for four years. Not four easy years no four tough, volatile, loving, funny, happy, volatile up and down learn a lot about ourselves but joyous years.

The thing is I've been thinking I don't want to wait another five years to be married. I'm not trying to rush but in my head I was thinking about me and Dave and our 4 years together and how we need to know some things at this point because five more years without a secure vision of our future (where we're on the same page) seems to me to be a total waste. So this has been on my mind...

And apparently on Dave's mind as well. Yesterday he wanted to talk but he was all fidgety and worried looking and he wanted us to promise not to get mad and blah blah blah and just stop if we got angry so of course that gets my attention and I'm like why would I get angry what do you have to say????

So he starts with asking me questions:
do I love him? yes
why? just tell me what you feel and stop trying to gauge my feelings first (I'm getting irritated)
why? gave quick explanation
are you in love with me: yes
so if I asked you to marry me you would say yes? huh?

then: how he's been thinking about school, us, his life, how many his friends (and many of mine) have gotten married or are engaged and this just had him really thoughful....

me: okay so what are you trying to say?
him: what do you mean, just that, that I'm thinking about all of these things..
me: okay, spit it out...I get that you're thinking about these things but what do they have to do with me?
him: obviously you're part of my life so it has to do with me
me: DAVE stop skirting the issue get to the SPECIFIC point of your thoughts and what all these thoughs mean in relation to me

Bottom Line: Finally fed up I'm like okay do you love me? he says yes
are you in love with me? HUGE hesitation - then I say okay I have my answer its no
him: no its not, I think about that a lot and it wavers...
me: it WAVERS!! you do not waver whether you're in love with someone after four years, you either are or you aren't, its a yes or a no
him: its not that simple
me: whatever
(this argument about it being a black and white issue continues for me a minute -clearly I'm right)

I won't continue this long diatribe but basically I kept my cool (sort of) and played as if I really didn't care and I was like well you know what that's cool. I mean you have to be honest with yourself and know what you want (him:its not about what I want) WHAT!!?? of course its about what you want...you're thinking about if you want me to be in your life (him: not true, of course he wants me in his life) well I feel like you're trying to back track -he thinks that I'm focusing on the wrong thing...

hmmm, I'm focusing on the fact that you're not in love with me (him: no I am) okay do NOT try to change your answer based on my response that makes it even more clear

Then I get up and announce that I'm going to bed and I appreciate his honesty and he's begging me not to trying to convince me otherwise but bottom line I am hurt to the core. He's now trying to tell me he wanted to talk with me about the future and where we both saw ourselves...and I'm like well clearly you don't see yourself with me....despite his vigourous protests I felt horrible and I still feel bad and him trying to tell me how much he loves me and blah blah blah all last night and into this morning did not take away the hurt.....I feel like distancing myself from him...that's what I usually do to protect myself in situations like this and I hate having been so vulnerable....

Why am I a hypocrite and liar? - well I've wondered and thought about whether Dave is the one for me and if I want to marry him or not...I've struggled and thought especially due to some of our lowest points but ultimately if asked (like last night) I would say that I am in love with Dave because I am, when he hypothetically (of course) asked if I would say yes if he asked me to marry him the first thing that came to my head was please don't ask me, so there is some fear there because that is such a big step...

But I guess hearing someone else's candid and not purposefully hurtful thoughts was a shock. so many times I think that only I'm allowed to think things like that and if asked I don't think -no I KNOW I wouldn't be honest and candid like Dave was but say things to make the other person feel better...

I guess our relationship is up in the air (at least in my mind)...at least as far as the future is concerned