what matters and why

almost over

Almost a year later. He says I lied when we left. That I promised to work on things. It seems like ages ago and I don't remember what I said. All I know is that getting out was the most important thing. I would have said anything. But I'm not perfect, he claims. I have my faults and I am equally as responsible for the demise of this marriage. Am I, really, or is it just another attempt at manipulation? I'm trying to remember why we made the decision to pack up everything and come back home. A year later. I'm still here. I only have a little bit of time left, but it is an eternity. I doubt myself. Was it really so horrible? Could I have put up with the bad and made it work? It's too late now, but these it tears my heart out when my kids are hurting because of my decisions. My son says if someone treated him badly, he would just "stand it". What do say to that? All he wants is stability and it is impossible for me to provide that for him. And every day, I live with that decision. Almost one year. It wasn't horrible, our relationship. We were able to carry on decent conversations. Sometimes we had fun together. Where do you draw the line? Something caused me to do that about this time last year. There's so much damage that can be caused before it finally starts to take effect. I guess the line is drawn when the damage is so instense that to try to dig yourself out is impossible. You hurt, because your entire life is consumed with suspicion directed at the person you are supposed to love. And the person you are supposed to love focuses all his attention on what he wants. And what he wants you to want. How he wants you to treat him. And if it is not up to expectations, you feel it every day. And the love that you are supposed to feel doesn't exist. He wants something from you that you don't have.

I question my own decisions every day. I wonder if I will live my entire life under the influence of my conservative upbringing. And if not that, I will let myself go but still protect from any kind of potential emotional damage. If there is ever a chance for happiness, I don't know if I would recognize it. I will push it away. Because I don't deserve that? Or because I am afraid of the hurt if it ends badly? And if that, why? After all that's gone on I wonder if I am immune to any kind of feeling at all.