My True Soul

The color of the pretty gum

I was re-reading one of my journal entries and it reminded me something that happened the other night. Manda was really upset, I was holding her, and she started pushing me away... not hard... and upon reflection, I can't believe I said what I did. "You're not going to push me away, if you want to be alone... I'll respect that and leave you alone, but you're not pushing me away."

I can't take seeing her really cry, oh god, I can't.

I talked to her last night, she was kinda quiet, not sure why. She told me that her mom was coming to pick "us" up on Saturday. "Us?" "Yeah, apparently. I never heard you accept or decline the invitation to go, but apparently you're going according to Mom..." "Oh, alright then... well I didn't not want to go."
She'd explained to her mom why I hadn't wanted to go home. Her mom understood. Mine fails to.

It's kind of sad when you feel more comfortable around your girlfriend's mother than you do your own. Her mom is honest and straightforward. You know what to expect with her mom, for the most part. Sometimes you may not understand her, but ya know what to expect. I really like Manda's family, for the most part. Her father, he seems a little... I don't know... but she has issues with him herself. Her sister and her family, they all seem to be sweet. And she doesn't talk to her brother really. So, of the people she considers her family, I like them.

Whenever I went down that Sunday, she was in the tub whenever I got to her house. I spent 20 minutes or more talking to her mom. She teased me about that "I left you alone with my mother." And then, her cat, her picky kitty, lol... decided that she wanted attention from me.

I want to go back to Starkville today. I want to be around Manda. I don't want to be here. I'm slowly picking her over my mom, in a weird way, and that's just not how she wants it to be. I've been distant the last month.

Although I don't feel like this entirely or think it's a good idea... but I finally feel like I could pick someone over my parents, if it came down to it. I haven't felt like that before, not honestly. I could be with her and be happy enough not to feel like I had a huge huge part of my heart missing if my parents decided to disown me. Now, I do not plan on doing this now, now is not the time. But, I've just realized that I could, in the future, when the time is more right and if that situation happens.

I've got to go finish reading for my class. I have a test in there on Tuesday. I've really got to study for it and finish reading but I'm so tired of reading and I really just want to be able to go home, to Sville. I want to be able to lay on the couch cuddled up with Manda... but, the roads are probably icy still, considering it's 25 here with a 16 degree windchill.