Bloggin' Umholtz

Cow Tipping

Sometime within the last couple of days I came across an article telling the woeful tale of two individuals that were injured during the committal of the age-old right of passage, cow tipping. Seems the cow fell on them.

At this time, let me state that I in no way support this endeavor. This wanton abuse of the bovine species should not be taken lightly. After all, it bruises the meat and contrary to opinions in some popular culinary circles, does not “tenderize the beef.”. Having never taken part in any such tomfoolery myself, (I don’t believe you could include snipe hunting in the tomfoolery category, do you?), I, nonetheless have read of and discussed numerous accounts with my fellow bovine enthusiasts as well as several actual purported participants. Therefore, as happens so many times in scholarly endeavors, I proclaim myself an expert in cow tipping and will hereby attempt to initiate the uninitiated.

To tip a cow, one must first sneak up on it. This is best done under cover of darkness. Darkness tends to obscure the cow-tipper’s activities from the cow’s owner, who usually does not respond well to the endeavor and has been known to carry firearms. Darkness also tends to make the animal less wary and indeed they are often referred to “as sleeping standing up”, an event I have actually accomplished a number of times in my life. Herein lies the first problem of cow tipping and why its practitioners must travel far and wide to indulge in their chosen form of amusement. Cows are very seldom left outside at night.

If you are lucky enough to find such a situation, then it is wise to reconnoiter before plunging headlong through three strands of electrified barbwire fence. First, find a cow that is by itself. It will be easier to sneak up on. Second, make sure said cow is on a hill. You do this for a couple of reasons. One thousand pounds planted firmly on four hooves is difficult to move. Gravity helps. Word of caution here, when pushing a cow over on a hill, make sure you are on the uphill side, a fact evidently ignored by our two hapless cow-tippers in the news. Third, and this is most important, bring a friend.

Friends are helpful for several reasons. One, they bring your confidence level up. Two, they provide additional muscle and three…they can dial 911 if you can’t…hopefully. The drawback of course is that they provide that much needed witness testimony that the prosecution is so eager to have.

Once you have obtained the necessary items, i.e., cow, hill, darkness, friend. Just go ahead and push. If the desired effect is achieved, your push will result in a slightly startled mooo, followed by a tumble and then a roll as the cow, aided by gravity, descends to the bottom of the hill, cow butt over udder, so to speak.. At this time, as the startled cow struggles to get to it's feet, you will be beset by fits of raucous, side splitting, eye watering laughter, or so I'm told.

This laughter is often your downfall. For it is at this moment, while you are least prepared, that the bull that went unnoticed during this nighttime escapade, (there is a reason they are black) will take the opportunity to escort you, post haste, back to the said electrified fence.

Assuming, of course, that you don’t slip, while you are running. Did I mention you should always wear rubber boots in a cow pasture?