Bloggin' Umholtz

Friday the 12th, 13th, 14th, 15th....

Well.

Hmmmm.

It’s Friday the 13th. So let’s recap the day. Based on some here-to-undiscovered astral projection charts and a half rotten apple with rancid peanut butter, I was able to determine that Friday the 13th actually started for me about 2:45 PM, yesterday. That would of course make it Thursday the 12th by current calendric standards but saying that bad things happen on Thursday the 12th doesn’t quite have the same ring to it as saying bad things happen on…well you get the idea. Sort of like saying Ivan, the Terrible, was just really Ivan, the Mildly Ticked Off.

At 2:45 PM yesterday I was ensconced in the men’s room of my office having a telephone conversation with God on the porcelain phone. I’d say that qualifies as the start of a very bad day, don’t you? There must be something to this astral projection thing. Of course it’s the “as” part that worries me. Seems to come awful close to saying I’m projecting a certain portion of my anatomy that would best be left unprojected. Then again, when I think about it, I was doing some projecting, and indeed, at times it felt like various parts of my internal structure were leaving my earthbound body, so maybe I’m on to something here.

Of course, according to recent news reports, if I was in the state of Maryland, (alas, I reside mostly in the state of confusion) then projecting my “as or ass, or arse, or bum, or derriere, or glutimus maximus, would have been perfectly legal. In fact, it’s consider an expression of free speech… Now I must admit, that over the years I have heard my glutimus maximus as well as a number of others extort verbally their virtues, I never for once thought that it would take a court of law to uphold their right to do so.

When I was in high school, it was a common activity for us neanderthal males (yes, I’m married) to “shoot the moon” at our buddies. There was of course, the half moon – one cheek, and the full moon – both cheeks. Now while Maryland views moon shooting as voicing a dissenting opinion, we were merely going for a chuckle. If that didn’t do it, well there was always the infamous “pressed ham” on the window of the school bus. You don’t even want to know about a ham sandwich or…nevermind (wink,wink).

To moon is a dissenting opinion, says the state of Maryland. Supreme Court justices take note the next time you are about to hand down a decision, be careful who you chose to give the dissenting opinion. But I digress

Friday the 13tth started at 2:45 PM on Thursday the 12th. My wife had to come pick me up at work and drive me home. She then called to cancel my stress test for this morning. It didn’t matter. They called at 8:00 AM on the actual Friday the 13th, wondering where I was? “Home sick,” I responded.

“Why didn’t you call and cancel?”

“My wife did, yesterday.”

“Oh”

I was beginning to think maybe this was the stress test.

Oh well, sleep ruined. 9:00AM go to work.

9:15 AM Return another call from stress test people wondering where in the world I was. Beginning to think about mooning over the phone. Stress, I’ll give you stress!

Stare at computer all morning trying to keep stomach from erupting – more stress.

Go home. Eat lunch. Back to work

1:00PM Return call from son at work who informs me he doesn’t need me anymore.

I said. “Okay, Have a nice life. Drop us a postcard every now and then.” He didn’t see the humor.

1:30 PM Hear the familiar distant ring of the porcelain phone. Go home to be miserable.

4:00 PM begin preparing supper for family, including son who apparently does need me after all. Hungry and nauseous at the same time. Figure between not eating anything that has salt in it and not, according to the Doc, eating anything that could cause migraines, I’ll be chewing on the napkin.

Friday the 13th? One day?

Gimme a break.