I Was Free Once

Chapter 19

It’s been years since I’ve seen Julia.

Everyday since she took my soul has been the same. I wander from city to city, without any purpose but to kill. Feeling nothing inside makes killing the innocent easy.

I stand up and start walking down this dirt road, drinking the remainder of the bourbon in my bottle. Tossing it aside, I cross my arms and begin to shiver. I can’t tell the difference between the cold and my addictions anymore.

I stop and look to the field on my left. There stands a unicorn, free and untamed. I turn suddenly and walk towards it. It looks up at me briefly before turning to trot away. With a wave of my hand, it falls to the ground, never to rise again.

There was a time that I couldn’t even imagine becoming the monster that I am today. I stop at nothing to rid the world of its magic, even the cries of children. Angels and demons alike perish at my hands.

I only need to sense the magic in the air to act. Once I can feel it, I won’t rest until it’s gone. Those are the times my inner demon comes out to play. I don’t even try to control it anymore. I did once, shortly after Julia left. For a while, I thought I would wake up one day to find my soul back and her at my side. Slowly, I controlled my actions less and less, until it got to the point where I couldn’t tell the difference between my demon and human states without looking in a mirror.

Thunder sounds from far off. I look to the sky to see clouds so dark I can’t tell what time of day it is. The air’s growing colder and I can see my breath. I shiver again more violently.

When I first set out to fulfill this prophecy, I could sense so much magic everywhere I went. Gradually, the sensation decreased. I always wondered if it was because of my doing or of the fear of the world for me. Now, I hardly ever sense it. Maybe it’s finally all over.

One thing that always struck me as strange was the sudden, unexpected surge of emotions I’d feel after killing the most innocent of victims. Every time stand over the dead bodies of children or young animals, I would suddenly feel sympathetic. Then, in less time than it took me to shed a tear, the feeling would disappear. I guess I remember all too well how I should have felt in those situations.

As I continue walking down this abandoned road, I can’t help but wonder whatever happened to my dear Julia. Where did she flee to? Is she even still alive? The questions, though, carry no meaning. They’re asked out of curiosity, instead of the concern I once had for her.

Eventually, I would find her, if I were to keep going. And on that day, I would have to kill her. It would be breaking a promise I made to both of us before she left me, but a demon knows no promises. There’s only one way to insure that promise isn’t broken.

I must bring an end to this the only way I know how.

Reaching into my pocket, I pull out Sal’s dagger. I give it a good look, as I never really paid it much attention. All the ruins he had put on it were gone, due to my father. On the one side, an engraving remains:

EN NOMINI PATRI, ET FILI, SPIRTUS SANCTI

Ah, that makes much sense, as Sal was a good man, killing only those who truly deserved it. I turn it over to find only a single word engraved on the other side:

VERA

“He fought in the name of my mother and truth,” I blurt out to no one. “What a man.” I sigh and try to crack a smile.

I grasp the hilt tightly in my right hand and raise it to my throat. One swift slice will do it. Pressing the cold blade against my neck, I close my eyes in anticipation. It will finally be over, and I will have these memories no more.

I get no further than pressing hard enough to barely break the skin, when I feel a hand pushing my arm away from my neck and prying the dagger out of my hand. I open my eyes to see nothing in front of me.

“I’m behind you,” said a stern, out of breath voice. “Turn around and tell me what the hell you think you’re doing.”

I slowly turn around to be greeted by the face I least expected to see: Julia’s.

“Julia,” I stammer, “what are you doing here? I told you to get the hell away from me, so that I wouldn’t kill you.”

“I turn my head for one minute,” she yells, ignoring me, “and you’re trying to kill yourself!” She goes to slap my face, but I catch her hand in mid-air.

Squeezing her wrist, I reply, “I told you to get away from me, or I would kill you, Julia.” Her face remains set, but I can see fear in her eyes. “And, I wasn’t lying.” She struggles to free her arm. Spotting the dagger, I drop her wrist and bend to pick it up. But as I try to stand again, I find my legs are locked by a spell of hers.

“Now, will you listen to me?” she states.

“Fucking let me go, or I’ll unleash the side you don’t like to see.”

“If you’d take a look at yourself, you’d see you already have.” I turn my head to see black wings. “So are you going to let me speak?”

“Fine. What the fuck is so important that you had to come find me?”

“Well, first of all, since when was killing yourself ever on your list of things to do?”

“I was trying to prevent myself from finding and killing you. I would have been breaking a promise to myself if I did.” I look up to see her shaking her head.

“Darien,” she says, almost laughing, “didn’t you even realize what spell you put on me the day I… well, the day you last saw me?” I narrow my eyes, confused. “To say the least, I’ve been with you every moment since that day. I’ve seen every death, every city, and every addiction.”

“Okay, you need to shut the fuck up. Now. I don’t need your lies. I don’t need your pity. I don’t need anything you can give me. If you haven’t noticed yet, Julia, it does nothing for me.” I am still unable to move my legs.

“But, I’m not telling you lies. That day, when I took your soul, you placed a spell to protect me from what you knew you’d become. You haven’t been able to see or hear me since then. You and you only.”

“Yeah? Then how come I can see you, all of a sudden?” I yell.

“Because, it was a weak spell and I was easily able to counteract it. I just chose not to these past years, so you could do what you felt was needed. I didn’t like seeing the deaths, nor did I like watching you suffer from withdrawals of whatever the hell you’re addicted to anymore. But, I never once interfered. Not until now.” She bends down in front of me and puts her hand on my shoulder. “I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I watched you kill yourself.” She grabs the dagger and releases the lock on my legs.

“So what do you suggest I do, now that I can see you again?” I stand up and start pacing in front of her. “I don’t want to break the promise I made, but I need to fulfill the prophecy.”

“You could listen to me for a change and let me help you heal.”

“Help me heal from what?” I stop in front of her.

“Your original pains caused before you started your killing spree.”

“And how do you intend on healing me, when I can’t feel the pain to start with?”

“By returning—” I slap her across the face.

“Don’t even say it. Do you know what would happen if you ever did that?! Do you know what I would feel if you did? At least like this, I feel no remorse or guilt for what I’ve done. I know if I ever had my soul returned to me, I wouldn’t be able to live with it.”

Tears welling up in her eyes, she looks at me with contempt. “It’s called forgetting the past, Darien. Everyone does it at some point in his life.”

“But, not everyone has done what I have. Not everyone has fallen as far as I have. It’s easy for people to say put the past behind you, but when it comes time to practice what they preach, most people can’t. Some wounds just run too deep.”

“Do you even realize what you’ve become?”

“Yeah, a fucking monster. Thanks for the information.”

“You’ve become exactly what your father wanted you to. You given up trying to control the demon in you, you’ve given up what makes you your mother’s son, and you’re refusing to let anyone help you!”

The rain is now falling harder than ever, obscuring my vision. Lighting is striking the ground not far away from us and the clouds above are as black as the night sky. My shivering is uncontrollable, but I refuse to reach for the needle in my left pocket that will stop it.

“You’re no better than any demon you’ve killed, Darien Maleficus.” She looks away from me, her tears mixing with the pouring rain. “This isn’t what your mother or Sal wanted you to do.”

“Tell me then, if I’m so horrible, why are you still standing here, talking to me? Why aren’t you taking the opportunity to rid the world of such a terrible thing?” I turn her head to look at mine. “Why did you ever fall in love with me?”

She takes hold of the hand I have on her chin. “For the same reason you fell in love with me.”

“No Julia, you’re wrong. I fell in love with you, because you’re beautiful inside and out and will never meet a fate I have. Many times I wanted to end our relationship, because I knew I would drag you down into this bottomless pit with me.”

“Didn’t you ever notice that I didn’t care what happened to me while I was with you? I’ve had more than enough time to run, Darien. I love you and only you. And don’t give me the without a soul shit. You can remember what love feels like. Even if you can’t feel it now, you did at one time and that’s all that matters.”

The silence that falls between us is deafening. I start coughing and shaking. I walk into the field, away from Julia. The grass is high and I can stop the withdrawals here without her having to watch. I fall to the ground and take the needle out of my pocket. My hand is shaking so badly I can’t even uncap it. The thunder is growing ever louder.

I feel a gentle hand on my shoulder and drop the needle. Slowly, a calm feeling runs down my spine, putting an end to the shakes and shivers. I wearily look up at Julia, whose face is full of understanding and comfort. She bends down beside me, gently rubbing my back.

“Please, Julia, just end it. Please, kill me. After all I’ve done, it’s what I deserve. End it.” I look into her eyes, realizing that she had been right from the beginning. I never needed to turn to this. I could have learned to live with the guilt. She could have helped me, but I didn’t let her. I have never regretted anything more in my entire life.

“It’ll be all over soon, Darien. I promise.” She places her hand on my cheek and draws in to kiss me. But before our lips touch, a bolt of lightning strikes the ground on which we’re sitting, causing us to be thrown back from each other.

“Julia?!” I yell, scrambling up quickly to look for her. I launch into the air to survey the field for her. After a few seconds, I see her body, lying on the abandoned road I had been traveling on. I fly to her, hoping she is still alive.

I reach the spot at which she lies and bend down to pick her up. I can’t tell if she’s breathing or not. A nervous panic runs over me. This is entirely my fault. If I hadn’t been such a stubborn asshole, she wouldn’t be lying here, struck by lightning. I hold her close to me.

“Julia,” I say, gently, “please, don’t die. Please. I’m sorry for putting you through this. Don’t leave me, Julia. Not like this.” I look at the still face that used to carry nothing but happiness and love. Softly, I raise her head to mine and kiss her, not out of pity or kindness, but out of love for her. The love I always had for her. I pull her closer and hold her in a tight squeeze. “I don’t know how I ever thought I could live without you.”

Then, without warning, a soft hand strokes my one wing. I hastily let go to look at her. Sure enough, she was staring back at me, smiling.

“It’ll take a lot more than a bolt of lightning to finish me.”

I laugh. “Julia, I thought I lost you for good.” The thunder is now growing fainter.

“And, this made you upset?” she asks.

“Of course, why wouldn’t it?” I reply. She sits up a bit in my lap and giggles a bit.

“Did you mean it when you said you loved me?”

“Nothing could ever change that.” A big grin steals across her face.

“Well, Darien, I believe you’ve found your soul.” She smiles at me and puts her hand around the back of my neck. “But, just to make sure…” Raising her head to meet mine, she kisses me deeply for the first time in years.

The warmth she carries within her soul passes through her lips to mine. I don’t remember the last time I felt as peaceful as I do now, in this moment with Julia in my arms. I can feel my pain and resent drain from within me as tears roll freely down my cheeks. I wrap both my arms and wings around Julia, in protection and out of love.

As I pull away from her, she whispers, “I can feel the Darien I once knew so well within you right now. And, that’s a beautiful thing.” She lays her head on my chest and I gently kiss her forehead.

The rain that falls now is no longer cold and bitter, but warm and welcoming. I can almost hear the grass around us growing again. The life that Julia both has and willingly gives to me is so real and great that it is becoming tangible. We stand up, but continue to enjoy our overdue embrace. I feel a small pinching sensation and chuckle as Julia smirks at me.

“Oh no,” I laugh, “that look can’t mean anything good.”

“Actually, quite the contrary,” she replies. “I just thought I’d tickle you a bit, the way I used to.” She continues to gently stroke me under my chin. Too gently.

“What on earth are you tickling me with?” I ask, playfully pulling her hand up to my eye level. My laughter stops suddenly when I see what she has grasped between her thumb and forefinger.

“Oh, nothing special. Just a feather.” I had never seen a bigger smile on her face. “It’s nothing I haven’t seen before, although the last time I saw such a handsome looking feather was many years ago.”

“No. It’s… impossible.” I am beyond words.

“Why the hell are you wasting time looking at this feather? You’ve got at least five hundred just like it behind you!” She puts her hands on her hips.

I smile, still not turning my head, thinking it’s too good to be true. Julia raises her one hand to my cheek and turns my head towards my back. I bring my wings forward a bit so I can see them.

And, there they are. Those big, gray, feathered wings I have always cherished. Every bit of demon gone from them, as if it had never been there to start with. In fact, they looked lighter than I remember them. I turn back towards Julia to see her with her wings out, as well, white as ever.

Reading my mind, she says, “And, they’ll get lighter the more you act like your mother would have. When you let go of your stubborn attitudes of yesterday, the black ran from them like it would from a watercolor portrait.”

“Unbelievable. That’s the only word I have to describe what this day’s been. Unbelievable.” I smile and put my arm around her shoulder. She grabs my hand and we begin walking down this dirt road.

The rain was finally coming to a stop and the sun is even beginning to shine through the clouds. Spring had finally come after a long winter. The grass even seems greener and a light breeze is blowing.

I reach into my right pocket and pull out my lighter, cigarettes, and joints. Looking at Julia, I throw them behind me, knowing that she’ll get me through the withdrawals. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out Sal’s dagger. She smiles and places it perfectly in my one belt loop. We share a quick kiss and continue walking.

“So,” she starts, “where were you planning to go after our walk in the park that day so many years ago?”

“Well, if you’d like, I know of a place where we could sit and talk and watch the sunset.”

“I think I’d very much like that.” I pick her up and spread my wings, preparing to fly. “Darien, I love you.”

“And I’ll forever love you, Julia.”

I launch into the sky, looking straight ahead with my face against the wind and the memories of the past behind me.