MY HEART ON PAPER !

DEC. 14, 2005

I have found this writing.com site on the net. Since I found it just 3 or 4 weeks ago, I have been writing more poems.

Today I wrote one about your fears before you left for Iraq the second time.

Remember how angry you were then? How you treated me? I didn't know what you were thinking or why you were so angry with me. I'm so sorry.

I talked to everyone I could about how you were acting and the way you were pushing me away and you were so hateful and cold to me. Everyone said, that's what you had to do. They said you loved me so much that you could only think of how I would feel if you didn't come back. That you were trained that you couldn't think of me when you were there or it would surely get you killed. That you had to think of only yourself and staying alive. So you had to do whatever you had to do to keep your mind strong for yourself.

The thought of the pain my love caused you then. Knowing how much I love you, and because I've always told you that if I ever lost you, I couldn't go on. The burden that you carried. The fear for me if you didn't come home.

Baby, I'm so sorry for all the pain I caused. I'm sorry I didn't understand better, that you were just doing what you had to do to survive in Iraq and come back to me. That you were pushing me away with the idea that if I was mad when you left, and then if you didn't come back, it wouldn't have been as hard for me.

I know that was your way of thinking, oh, but you were so wrong. The way you left so angry, and left me so, what you thought was, angry too, was wrong and the worst way to leave.

I wasn't angry. I was torn apart and confused. If anything had happened to you before we had made amends, I never could have lived with myself.

As terrible as it would have been to lose you over there, at least had we parted on good and loving terms, I could have dealt. But losing you the way you left... No Way!

Especially after you told me you didn't believe you would be coming back. You'll never know what that did to me that day. When you laid your head on my chest and I wrapped my arms around you, it was like holding my little baby boy in my arms again. Only the way you sobbed made me want to hold you there forever and never, ever let you go.

Why I didn' know? I'll never understand, but even when you told me, I just didnt' know how to react or what to say. I told you not to think that way and that I never wanted to hear you talk like that again. Then I calmed down and tried to reassure you that God would keep you safe and you would come back home. Though I believed that, once you told me how you felt, I was more afraid than ever. I was more afraid that because you believed it, that your subconscience would allow you to get yourself killed.

Then, I'll never forget that night, after you were gone. I walked out on the deck, holding the mother & son necklace that you gave me before you left, looking up at the stars.

First, I said, "Look up at the stars son, and you will see me looking back at you. You will feel me and know that I am with you." Then, I said, "Dear God, take care of my son. Give him the strength he needs, wrap your arms around him and protect him..."
Before I could finish my prayer, God answered, "Haven't I always? Haven't I been with him and protected him this far?". Then there was a peace that came over me that I can't put into words, and I knew you'd be safe and you'd be coming back home to me. Then I told you, so that you would know and remember.

Knowing how much I love you, so many of my friends and family said they just knew I would be a basket case and a wreck the whole time you were gone. Though I told everyone, they couldn't understand how I was so calm while you were there. But that was ok. God, you, and I knew, and that was all that mattered. And you came back home!!! :)

AND I LOVE YOU!!!

Later...