Orion's Testicle

Chapter 16 - Home Sweet Home

Chapter 16- Home sweet home

Em sat with her feet on the coffee table at home, flicking through the channels of her T.V as she often did, wasting her life away, wishing and wanting, watching the world go by.
So she flicked and flicked through the channels, until there was a knock at the door.
She heaved herself up, and walked to the door, and upon reaching it complained of a sore back, and then opened it.
It was an advertiser…no, worse…a robotic advertiser.
“Hi, it just completely blows my circuits to tell you that there's a great new item available for your kitchen!”
it extended it's right arm, and a hologram appeared.
“It's called the recoolerator, and it will keep all your edible solids fresh and your liquids cool.”
What Em always found fascinating about Advert Robots was that you could doodle on their 'faces' with a marker pen without them paying any attention, which was exactly what she was doing now. So the Robot carried on, completely oblivious to the fact that it now sported a crude penis across its vision lens.
She shut the door on it and walked back to the couch. She flicked to her favourite channel, and a good program was interrupted with a news announcement.
“This is prosthetic Newsreader Bob Sawdust. Latest news reports indicate that Max Millwonder has once again pissed off the entire of Orion II today as he escaped the pursuit of the Battleship R.S 'Death Penguin’. Maximllian’s infamous name started when he mooned the entire planet of Orion's Testicle using his ships Holo-imagery. He is widely known for being slightly menacing, extrovert, inane, and has been sighted recently performing repairs on his ship the 'Hunk of Junk'.”
The newsreader made an important cough.
“If anyone should find Max Millwonder they are advised to offer him a nice drink at the local bar then phone the police, upon which you they will beat him up a little bit and take him back for punishment.”
“In an unrelated story Mrs. S. Pam's cat was found, and has been back at home for about an hour now."
The newsreader flicked off, and Em’s favourite program "Turnips omnibus" came on. So she sat, watching turnips being sliced for seven hours.
By a strange coincidence, Patrick was watching the TV at the very same time, in the very same position, though only difference was that the T.V was off at Patrick’s home, and his parents had merely stuck a crudely drawn cuttlefish across the screen, in an attempt to save on electricity bills.
Alexia Galaxia however, was staring right at the epitome of impotence.
"Perhaps if we er...." She began
"I dunno...maybe if you touch that...no, that didn't work, but you don't have to stop touching."
Alexia sat up.
"It's hopeless.... Better just leave it”
She put her clothes on again.
“Okay, this is a bit of a letdown. I’ll go…”
Alexia said her goodbye and walked out of the house, leaving a depressed and confused Scottle.
Alexia however, though slightly disappointed, also had reason to feel spitefully happy. Scottle wasn’t as perfect anymore, and it made her feel like his equal. Now she would not feel less then him. She didn’t have stone balls.
Scottle of course was feeling bollocks (no pun intended, but now it’s there) because not only couldn’t he please his girlfriend anymore, he also couldn’t sit down, which he found intensely annoying.
He just about managed to lie down on his bed and fall into an exhausted and depressed sleep.
At this time, Patrick had already been asleep for hours, but had now fallen off the couch and landed on his cat, which then proceeded to claw Patrick’s groin. Patrick smiled as the cat broke its claw on his groin.