My True Soul

Justa

Sometimes I have these days where I just really want to hate myself. For whatever reason. It's somewhat weird. It's been happening a lot especially, for numerous reasons.

I have this person who I know loves me and sees so much in me that she's willing, when she's never ever been willing to before, to actually consider the possibility of this being very long term. I have this issue with my body and weight at the moment. This conflicts with her, I hate my body, hate how I look, and I have no clue why she wants to look, I don't even want to look. Makes me want to hate myself. Although my parents are fine with me not making all A's and have never told me I've had to, I hate that I probably won't. I hate that I don't feel like I've done as good of a job with being even a friggin' research assistant to Dr. Sinclair. I hate that I probably won't make an A in Experimental and am hoping for a B. And while I know I have so much to do and that I should be working my ass off at the moment, I hate myself because all I feel like doing at the moment is sitting on this couch and relaxing. I hate that my mind feels like I can't concentrate on doing my actual work.

I hate that when I'm like this, when I talk to Manda, I constantly make it out in my mind like she doesn't want to talk to me. Last night, I got sleepy, she said she was gonna let me go, but, she was upset about something and grouchy and I could hear it. I had this moment of thinking I was the something, but, I know I'm not. But, that moment. I didn't want her to go. I hate having to let her go when I'm sleepy cause when we're on the phone, her voice is right there, it's comforting, so comforting, and I just am so content... then it's being taken away.... and I get upset.
And I hate that I do that.

And spare me the whole thing of "well, it's fine, you want her around" or the whole "well, she is your girlfriend" kinda stuff. I know she is. I know it's fine. I know that she would not be with me if she did not care for me. There is no doubt in my mind with her. She would not be willing to make the effort if she didn't find some sort of happiness with me. I know that for me to assume it was me, was wrong. I have issues with self-esteem and confidence when it comes to dealing with people. It's getting better, but it's taking time.

Manda and her best friend talked about me this past weekend. Apparently I have several things in common with her best friend's boyfriend. And apparently, they both (Manda and her best friend) feel like they have to protect me, somewhat.

I tried to explain to Manda that there's not much of me that anyone can hurt anymore. There are so many things about myself that I can tell someone without letting them into who I am. I will tell them things to let them have the illusion that they know me. She asked me why did I waste my time. I don't. They come to me, they tell me things, I tell them things to ease their shock at having told me whatever it was so easily. My life, my feelings, some of them at least, are very factual to me.

I do not get along with my grandmother and think she's a mostly horrible person. My dad and I have an odd relationship. I respect him, but I dislike him at times. He's said and done things. His approval has mattered too much to me and has basically in roundabout ways made me want to committ suicide because I needed his approval. I adore my mom and desperately wish that I could let her know me, more of me, more about my life, but I fear what will happen. I love Manda, I see within her eyes a happiness that's new to me. I want to fall into her arms and into love with her as much as possible. I want to love her with the passion of all of my heart eventually. I want to be her companion as well as her lover. I care deeply about some of my friends and love some people with an intensity that they will never know or understand. These are facts to me. These are very definite personal emotions, but to me, they are facts. It is a fact that I do not always get along with myself. It is a fact that I try so hard to pretend that I don't hate myself in everyday life and that honestly, I hope one day I finally acheive that or at least believe it myself.
(And I think, because I state these things like this, it makes me seem very passionate.... )

To hurt me, you have to be dishonest with me, lie to me, and it's not that the lying breaks my trust, it shows that one doesn't respect me. Be honest with me not because you have my trust, be honest with me because you respect me.

She asked me why I had to have all my friends know one another. They don't have to know each other well, but, all together, in some way, they all make up who I am. However, they all have their own perceptions of me, I find it ineteresting to compare and contrast.

We discussed how we are. I'm so much more detached than people think I am. I have very much of a love hate relationship with the people around me. People, to me, or fascinating. I love getting to know someone, watching their life story unfold. I love getting to know lots of people and realizing how SIMILAR we all really are. But how we always focus on our differences. I hate the actions people do. I hate how people are greedy and such. But, it's humanity. And in a way, it's fascinating to me. But, as far as picking people to interact with? No. People are horrible. My close friends, eh, not so bad. But... I'm not sure if I'll ever completely trust anyone.

Ok, I need to go study.