She's Doing What?

The Pole Dancer

This year the preparations for Thanksgiving reminded me of last year. I had invited everyone to our house and, since we have a large family, I had planned to begin cooking early. But, two days before Thanksgiving I fell. Now some people fall gracefully, like a feather floating to the ground. They bounce up and assure everyone they are fine. That's not me. I fall like a 100 pound sack of feed dropped from the roof of the barn. The building shakes and everyone comes running, muttering about earthquakes in Texas and what is the world coming to.

After determining that I couldn't get up by myself, nor would I let anyone pull me up because of the pain, an ambulance was called. Nuts, I thought, there goes Thanksgiving.

The paramedics finally got me off the floor while I constantly reminded them "that hurts, that hurts". Several hours and x-rays later I was told it wasn't broken but the cartilage was damaged and I had a deep contusion. What exactly is a contusion? Anyway, they sent me home with crutches and good wishes for the holiday. Ha Ha

I struggled for several weeks on the crutches, then several more with a cane. Finally I freed myself of all the extras and began to walk on my own again. I was very careful all winter long as to where I put my feet so as not to fall. If any of the smaller kids ran by me I yelled at them "don't bump me" or "watch where you're going". My poor little dog got more than one thump with the cane if he dared to venture to close to me while I was walking.

Finally, spring arrived. I was thrilled to be able to get outside in the sun. We cleaned the deck and began to move the ferns and other household plants out for some fresh air and sunshine also. Being the helpful sort, I decided to hang a fern in the corner of the deck. I lifted it and, looking up for the hook to hang it on, started forward. That's when the "i gotcha" fairy ambushed me.

The next thing I knew my feet were tangled up in some empty pots, the fern flew out into the yard, and I was scrambling for a hold on anything that would keep me from following the fern. The corner post of the deck was the closest thing and I grabbed for it frantically. I swear that thing must have been greased over the winter. My hands kept sliding off of it so I tried to wrap my arms around it. All that did was make me swing all the way around the pole and wind up back on the deck. I decided maybe a leg wrapped around it in addition to my arms might offer me a better chance at survival. So, I curled one leg around the pole which, I must say, helped the swing around it go a little faster this time.

Finally, with all the grace of a drunk elephant, I slipped down the darn thing and landed in the yard flat of my back. I could hear my husband, my daughter-in-law and my brother-in-law all shouting in unison "oh, ooh, oooh". When I got my breath back and could finally open my eyes, I gazed up at three shocked faces.

No one said anything for several moments. Then my husband looked at me and asked, "What in the world did you think you were doing?"

Good question. Beats me!