Just Jul Lee

I didn't want to but I will...

I didn't want to but I will...
DATE: October 31, 2005

I told myself that I didn't want to write a depressed blog but I will anyway. I wrote the blog a few minutes ago about Halloween and what I still have left to do but my mind is whirling and I guess I should just let it all out, rather than turn it over and over and over again in my mind.

I broke my brother's tv on Wednesday. I wasn't able to fix it and now I'll have to pay to have it fixed. No big deal. I really don't mind having to pay for it to be fixed since I am the one that broke it but I am dreading my brother's reaction. I keep hoping that he'll be fine with it since I'm taking responsibility for what I've done. I think that he will actually be upset but he will be forgiving and he will be understanding and that he will actually be nice. But, as the day carries on, I am thinking that I may be, and probably am, horribly optimistic and therefore tragically wrong.

I hate the fact that I fail my family so much. I always seem to let them down. I can't stand the fact that I just can't seem to do things correctly, that I can bring so much pain and sorrow to those that love me. I try to be good and to be a better person but for some reason I just seem to fail them constantly. I dread telling them the truth about so many things because I know that I'll get a lecture and they will be upset with me for so long afterward.

I have set up a counseling session with my Pastor at last. I feel so foolish bringing up the whole calling of God thing and the marriage thing and whatnot but I have known how I felt for many years and I think it is time that I let Pastor know how I feel. I just think it's pointless and foolish to talk to him about these things. I mean, there is really nothing that can be done, right? I just felt the fear Sunday again and I realized that it was still there. I'm fine as long as I don't hear about marriage but I seem to be surrounded by engaged and dating couples and the last few sermons have been about marriage so the fear has risen up in me again.

Jennie never wrote me. Enough said there.

I just can't help but feel as though I'm drifting and there is no paddle or lifesaver nearby. I am living for God, loving Him so much that I know if I ever left Him I would die inside, but I still feel as though I'm constantly failing, as though I'm reaching for that nearest star and slipping, tumbling to the ground before I even get near it.

But, that's just me.