MISCELLANEA

ADVICE, AS AN ADVICE COLUMNIST, TO ‘DEAR YOU’

ADVICE, AS AN ADVICE COLUMNIST, TO ‘DEAR YOU’

[Advice to someone seeking help to build up self confidence]



Dear Mouse,

As you yourself have stated, you lack in self-confidence. It appears to be so. Therefore, the approach here lies not in diagnosing as to what is the problem. In the interest of being practical and down to earth, let us skip the exercise of finding the cause of the problem. Let us straightway try to find the solution to the problem.

In general terms, it can be stated that the approach to solution lies in strengthening yourself in those areas which are your plus points, so that positive growth counterbalances the negative points.

I have tried to analyze your case by focusing on the positive and negative statements you have made about yourself. You have the following positive attributes:

1. You are a mature, level headed person

2. You already have a university degree and are studying for a second one.

3. You have a decent job. [But you don’t love doing it].

4. You are apparently good in your studies.

My advice to you is as follows:

1. Forget about your weak points. All of us have them.

2. Concentrate on your strong points. Here may be others that you have not mentioned in your letter. Think of those and list them.

3. The four points listed above basically relate to two areas—college and work. Both these areas have opportunities for interpersonal interaction and building up self confidence.

4. Try to build up your academic abilities and performance in college as much as you can. A day might come when, in view of your top grades, colleagues and teachers might be well disposed towards you [not that they are ill-disposed now], and might even approach you themselves. In any case, barriers to communication would automatically get broken. That, in a way, will give a big boost to your self confidence.

5. Take deep interest in your work, work place and colleagues. If the job is decent, they deserve it. Even if the job is not decent, they deserve it as long as you are in the job. By not loving your job, you are hating all of them, as well yourself [for being good for nothing, good enough only for a hateful job!]. You will be surprised that once you start liking your job, you would discover virtues in it and the work place and the colleagues which you never thought existed.

Remember that true happiness comes from within, not from other things or persons.

M C Gupta
MD, LL.M.
28 October 2005

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• The letter seeking advice is reproduced below:


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The Letter


Dear You,

I just turned twenty seven and lately I’ve been feeling rather down. I know that I have my whole life ahead of me, but I often feel as if I am stalled, that I’m not where I want to be in my life. I just went back to college last year and am working on a second degree. I have a decent job, but not one that I love doing. I know there are many good things in my life, like good friends and my family, my pets and a nephew on the way, yet I can’t help but feel that there is something missing.

I am a very quiet and personal person. If I ever tell my deepest thoughts, it’s only to my best friend. I suppose my largest problem, or issue, is my confidence level. I have a hard time believing in myself. I don't feel ‘self-love’.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t despise myself. I just lack the self-confidence I see in so many other people. Granted, I don’t know what’s really going on in someone else’s head, but they can at least ‘give off’ the essence of confidence. I get the shakes just going in front of a class to write a math problem on the board even when I know I have the correct answer.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is: How can I boost my self-confidence? I know this is a very internal matter, that my way of thinking has a lot to do with it, but I need some advise. I just can’t seem to let down my walls and have the ‘guts’ to do things that I believe I should be able to do.

I am so lacking in confidence that I can’t even speak a hello to a guy I like. I feel awkward contributing to my classes for fear of making a fool of myself and drawing attention. I try not to let what others might think affect me, but I believe since I am so lacking in confidence in myself, it does more then I try to let myself know.

Can anyone give me some advise on how to change this lack of confidence into a greater sense of self-worth?

Yours Truly,
The Mouse