Just Jul Lee

What Is It?

What Is It?
DATE: October 21, 2005

Okay, what in the world is it that is propelling me forward mentally? Or should I say in my fantasy world of Julie-Topia?

I seem to be thinking of being swept off my feet, wooed to no end, romanced and all within the boundries set by God and myself. And then, I return to sanity and think, hmmm, that was odd.

So, I decided to ask myself, what is it?

I believe it is a fierce desire, first and foremost, to fulfill God's will for me before He comes back. I have absolutely no control over finding my spouse since I will not go out and look for him. God has assured me that He will bring my future husband to me. Only those with genuine relationships with God and true understanding of His ways can fully grasp what I'm saying, can fully grasp the faith needed and invested in such a statement. But, I do believe that God will bring him to me so I don't have to search.

Secondly, I believe it is the fact that I'm working out for lunch now. Okay, it's only been a week, but I still feel better about myself. My self image (as long as I stay away from mirrors and overly-skinny women) has vastly improved. I still realize that I am overweight but I feel slightly more attractive or something. Now this is a really hard thing to explain or put into words even I can fathom.

Third, which should actually be first, I am spending time praising God in my room alone again. I feel Him drawing me closer to Him and I feel His joy filling me and keeping me going throughout the week. I feel His blessing and His approval on my recent choices. Not all of them, mind, just the good ones. Like, working out, spending time with Him, keeping my mouth shut, avoiding confrontation and laughing when I feel anger rising up in me again.

All this is coming together for what purpose, I wonder. I honestly don't forsee my future husband arriving in my life in the too near future and I certainly don't think I'm able to strike out on my own and live alone just yet. So why am I here?

I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

BON JOVI:
I never wanted the stars,
I never shot for the moon,
I like them right where they are,
All I wanted was you.
So baby just turn away,
Because I can't face the truth,
All I'm trying to say,
Is all I wanted was you.

I want you, I want you,
Baby, I want you.
I want you, I want you,
Baby, I want you.