what matters and why

late nights

It was late that night on the phone. I'm sitting on the sidewalk, in my work clothes, my head in my hands. And you said all the right things. I wish I could go back.. you asked a question.. "why me?" you wanted to know why I would choose you. I'm not sure that "choose" would be the right word, because I didn't. And I wish I could go back and answer that question with words that truly expressed how I felt instead of the sarcastic comment that most likely came out of my mouth at the time. If I could do that moment over again I would tell you how amazing I think you are. Everything I've ever wanted I see in you. You have definitely had my attention from the first time I saw you, and that goes back years. There is something about you- maybe it's your confidence, the way you carry himself, the way you are with your son. Whatever it is, you've got me. I had no idea I would fall this hard, that you would be on my mind constantly. I'm terrified of getting involved in something so intense. I know I'm not ready. I have problems when it comes to anyone getting close to me. And I know you could- you just might be that person who could do that for me. I had no idea I was capable of feeling like this. No idea that I could want something so much. And that it's you makes it that much better. I'm scared because I always manage to pull away when a relationship gets too intense. I have this emotional wall around me that's been there for a long time. I assumed the possibility of that coming down anytime soon was near impossible, given what I've been through. But when I'm with you, for some reason, I can feel myself breaking down. I wish I could have told you all those things that night on the phone. But then what? You can't leave. I'm not ready for something like this. So I hold back- for you, for me, whatever the reason, right now, I just can't say those things. Maybe one day I can tell you, maybe one day you will understand me. All I know is that if I could spend all my time with you, I'd be happy andI have never wanted to spend all my time with any one person.