My True Soul

On a silver platter?

I had, probably, somewhat of an unusual conversation last night with Manda.

She had mentioned how she doesn't need to discuss her feelings with Tyler. But, at first, she wouldn't say why not. I didn't press. Then she later said something like "it's not like you aren't tough..." basically. She'd said something about how she almost wanted to go ahead and break up with me now while everything was still really good. He didn't understand this, and maybe some of you don't. (However, I fully expect you to, April.)

I understand her point. It's like when you have something really good, something that's really special, you basically want to shield it from everything else and do anything in your power to prevent it from being damaged. Things with us are going extremely well, she and I both know it's not going to always be like this, and we both don't want to taint it.

No, she's not breaking up with me.

She thinks about everything, about all possibilities, her mind goes through what ifs constantly, and she sees all these logical things that could happen. She's just been thinking about those things lately. I do the same thing. We talked about how we both were like "damnit, no, no, no, I don't want to... no" with our feelings for one another. How she absolutely hated when she was talking to her best friend about me and her best friend's response was "oh, you're in love with her...you know it." I hate that too. Even though she knew it was the truth, she still hadn't worked it out. I knew, I knew for a while before I even let myself see.

She posted a song not too long ago, by Alanis Morissette - "Head Over Feet" because of these lines "You treat me like I'm a princess, I'm not used to liking that" and "You've already won me over in spite of me, Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet, Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are, I couldn't help it, It's all your fault." This song was described as the "Damn you, I'm falling in love with you" song. That's so representative of who she is.

I told her 2 things last night, in response to the conversation about breaking up and such. One, that I see those things as well, that I had the thought of it all being tainted. That I am fully aware that she can completely and entirely break my heart. I am fully aware she could do this and show no emotion about doing it. It's f***ing scary and I'm terrified of it. But, one look into her eyes after we kiss, it goes away. I know these possibilities as well as she does. But, you can not go through live denying yourself the chance to be truly happy. You can't not take risks. And if she completely destroys my heart, at least I'll have been happy. I'm far too happy at the moment to let these possibilities scare me. I told her that, me, who has a tendency for those things not to be said to the person I'm dating. That is how I feel. I told her I was not telling her how to act, what to feel, anything, but that was personally how I felt. Two, I told her I knew it was going to be hard for her to admit her feelings to me, for her to be involved with me, for her to fall for me, everything about this at first was going to be hard for her. She's been in a couple of f***ed up relationships, one especially so and it's her most recent. Some of the others? Honestly, they were basically just toys to her. Now? She's with someone that's pretty equal to her, so I'm not a toy. I refuse to be one, she knows this. Now? She's with someone who's not going to use her for one thing and that only. And I do not treat who I'm dating in any manner of which her previous endeavours have. I refuse to. This is why I told her I had no honest intentions of hurting her, that I knew it was impossible not to, but, I have no intentions. Last night, I told her I knew it was going to be hard for her to tell me that she loved me. She already knew that I was waiting on her to tell me first... I knew if I had of, it would have scared her.

She's too much of a free-spirit and anything that feels like it's tying her down, she's going to run from. (Does this sound familiar?)
She also, teasingly, went into the whole "I'm sorry, I've decided we shouldn't talk anymore, so... " thing after the discussion of the break up. Oh, for the most part, I was fine. I knew she was playing. But that little part of me that's like "no, this could be for real" was gettin extremely upset. I told her that. Things like that last night proved to me, if I had any doubt, that I want to be with her.

I also got a wee bit jealous and protective feeling. I don't like her ex bf, I don't, lol. The things he's done, he deserves to be punched a few times, in my eyes at least. She was talking about things with him and, merfk. I'm... yeah. I just got kinda upset. Like, I know she was with him and this other guy, but, lol, I don't like it. But, it's okay, she's not with him now is she? *nods* I felt horrible about getting upset... but then I realized, ya know, I probably should be more worried if I didn't get upset, at least a little.

I want to see her. I'm supposed to go get her Thursday and she's coming home with me this weekend. That seems too far away. *Sighs*
I feel better when she's around. Even if it's her sitting across my living room, reading. Just her being here. It makes me feel better.

Oh well. I shouldn't talk when I'm feeling sentimental.