The Life Of Me.

23rd September 2005

Well what a shit day I had yesterday. Hadn't cried so much or felt that much pain for months...Martin told me that he wanted to see me less...because he doesn't get excited to see me anymore. Am absolutely gutted. He says it's cause he feels guilty because I'm always excited to see him, so he feels he should do more, and this is what he thinks will help him to do more for me...

To me, it sounds like the beginning of the end. Robbie said something similar, so I'm really afraid that I'm just gonna get dumped or cheated on. He says he loves spending time with me, just misses the newness of it all...but we've almost been going out half a year...it's a bit hard to still feel new :-S

He also said he was a bit jealous that I was still in the happy, excited new phase, when he wasn't. That doesn't mean he has to try to re-invoke it again...meh. Just couldn't stop crying. Couldn't believe I'd been so naive to believe that everything was ok and that I was satisfying him. Couldn't believe that I'd been stupid enough to want to see him as much as I can, email when I can, and text when I can...most of the times, he's asked me to...it's so confusing. I almost broke up with him last night...I just felt so confused, so alone and so stupid...Hopefully it was just an idle threat. We'll see when I see him today. He hasn't emailed me either...he said he would as soon as he got to college...but he hasn't. Don't know if that's a bad sign. Man, just when did things get so fucked up...I thought everything was fine...yeah, we'd been arguing a lot, but I just thought that was our transition phase to seriousness. He's trying to hold onto the newness...so I told him, if he misses spontaneity and newness, he needs to find a new g/f...bleh...

I don't know how I feel anymore...I hope I feel different when I see him. Joe helped me a lot this morning. He was talking to me last night when Martin was being a poop-head, so we went for a walk this morning and had a talk about it. He told me that everything will be okay, and that Martin loves me and he won't break up with me...I don't know. I still think some other fantastic looking, slim, sexy girl will whisk him away. I'm just not good enough for him.

Bleh. I better go....wish me luck.

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