Straight No Chaser

Xylophones and The Negatives Survey

1. list five things that you don't care about.
football, the mess in my room, brangelina (okay, i'm lying), can't come up with two more, i give an undue damn about everything.

2. what movie do you think was really stupid?
disagreeing tenses. "team america" put me to sleep in under twenty minutes.

3. what song are you sick of hearing?
anything with a dirty south beat, and everything by kelly clarkson.

4. what word annoys you?
not a word, but the phrase "fuckin' aye," because unless i'm overlooking something, it doesn't mean anything. meg says she doesn't like when i say cockass because it doesn't conjure a specific viable image. same principle.

5. what is the ugliest name?
hortense, shaquanta and shelby are my personal bad name trinity, each one representative of a quality that renders a name unusable.

6. your least favorite scented lotion?
hands down, love spell by victoria's secret.

7. least favorite flower?
nasturtium, for the name alone.

8. describe a person you don't like.
she's curvy but her hips are too wide and she's extremely bitchy, still won't make eye contact with me two years later, wears ridiculously expensive clothes even to her eight o'clock classes and has a stupid name, and yesterday at the post office she knocked over a whole stack of fliers and just stood there giggling while lovestruck men swooped in to pick them up.

9. [insert] what's an instrument you never wanted to play?
the xylophone, but i did, for four months in middle school, because i'd had the most extensive piano training and they figured i'd pick it up fast. i showed them, by sucking at it.

10. restaurant you hate?
anything tex-mex.

11. what do you hate about yourself?
lots of things. first thing that springs to mind is what a snob i can be, how disgusted i get with people who can't follow my line of reasoning, the way my personal standards diverge from the ones i hold for everyone else, and what a hard time i have expressing myself. also my hair, my nose, my chin and how badly i procrastinate.

12. what do you hate about your parents?
my dad doesn't listen to anyone but himself and my mom has this "old country" mentality that doesn't work, because she grew up primarily in the same place i did. as parents, they're both just a little bit too involved; as people, they're both just a little bit too detached.

13. car that you think is ugly?
i think most cars are ugly, and i can't believe how much money people spend on them.

14. religion that annoys you?
all the ones where this is okay but that's not, when this and that are essentially the same thing.

15. if you had to wipe out an entire continent which would it be?
no comment. let's just say i wouldn't.

16. if you had to kill seven people who would they be?
probably myself first, so i wouldn't have to do six others. but if there was some caveat against that, and no way around it otherwise, i'd find seven people whose families were about to take them off life support anyway, and put them out of their misery a bit earlier. hmm. that might or might not be true. this is one question on which i can't go with my instincts.

17. the most boring book you ever read?
canterbury tales.

18. teacher you hated?
in kindergarten, the only year i went to private school, our real teacher went away on maternity leave and we got this woman who called everyone "kitten." when we had to do activities in pairs, she usually let us pick the pairs ourselves, but she'd never let a pairing consist of two black kids. and she always used to say how clammy it was in the room, without ever explaining what that meant, so until i was in about the fourth grade i always thought clammy meant lined with construction paper.

19. a word you'll never say?
hmm, there might not be one, because whenever i come across a word i don't know, my first reaction is usually to read it out loud. and all the ones i already know, i've probably said them at least once. i don't say "pregnant" a lot because it makes me uncomfortable, and i avoid referring to the female sex organ where possible. that's about it.

20. ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend you hate the most?
not many to choose from, but that would be michael, for being a jerk, which is unfair because we were very young. i suppose a better answer is that i don't hate anyone.

21. job you hated?
scooping ice cream. good thing i found a way out of that one.

22. do you hate...
a. reading? not at all
b. watching tv? no
c. going to work? when i'm tired, but generally no
d. going shopping? with a passion
e. eating? sometimes
f. talking on the phone? when there's a better alternative
g. victorian tea parties? no, because i like scones
h. the end times pamphlets? kind of, i've never seen them sway anybody
i. tourists? only when they crowd up the smithsonian museums
j. going on fishing trips? i used to, when i was little, but i guess that'd be okay now
k. boys who skateboard over ramps? when they're in the way
l. jazz guitar? though it juxtaposes two of my favorite things, i have to tell you, i'm not a big fan
m. acrylic nails? to each his own
n. diedrich coffee? don't really like coffee, period
o. the crusades? and other forms of overzealous proselytizing
p. cannibals? gotta do what you gotta do
q. nazis? don't know any, but there are plenty of worse racists who don't label themselves as such
r. ouiji boards? no
s. corporate buildings? drab and cold, so yes
t. jellyroll pens? writing with them is fun, trying to read what's been written is hell
u. dog collars? they keep the puppies safe
v. the play "oklahoma"? probably my least favorite, and i've seen many

23. what smell do you hate the most (besides crap)?
love spell.

24. what was the worst thing that happened to you today?
burning my tongue on a hot pocket. been a pretty good day so far.

25. in your entire life, what's the worst thing that's happened to you?
i think i'll hold back on this one.

26. who is the ugliest person you know?
beauty is in the eye of the beholder, of course. girl x is average-looking and dresses well, but is a socioethical disaster, so she wins this prize.

27. who is the most stupid person you know?
GIRL Y. ARGHHHHGHGHGHH.

28. who is the biggest slob?
i haven't seen her in years, but this one girl invited me to her house in eighth grade, and there was a working toilet sitting right smack in the middle of her living room, plus the carpeting all the house was covered in pee and pizza grease. but really that was her parents' fault. i guess the biggest slob i know right now is alexa, and she doesn't much care.

29. who is the biggest control freak?
krystle, but she is hysterically passive-aggressive about it.

30. who will not shut up?
all too many people.

31. the biggest hypocrite?
i think we all win this one, every last one of us. i can't think of anyone i know who practices exactly what he/she preaches.

32. who tells the most lies?
sean, but only to his girlfriend.

33. who complains too much about their problems?
i mean, we all do. but seriously, there's a time and a place for everything, and if the only way you know how to express yourself is to find a totally random group of reasonably happy people and drag down their entire mood with remark after morose remark, then really, you need to rethink occasionally.

34. what is the meanest thing anyone's ever said to you?
"you can't. you're too weak." thanks dad.

35. what's the meanest thing you've said to someone else?
i almost never say the mean things i think. i can't. i'm too weak.

36. guy/girl you would not have sex with if you were the last two people on earth?
my brother, i guess?

37. has anyone ever...
a. spread rumors about you? yes
b. stolen something from you? yes
c. pulled some of your hair out? yes, that was me
d. toilet papered your house? yes, because my brother wouldn't take some girl to some dance
e. buried you in sand? yes
f. called you a bitch/asshole? yes
g. made you laugh when you were in the middle of drinking something, so it went up your nose? no, but once that happened when i was hanging upside down drinking a juicebox
h. ditched you? yes
i. stood you up? yes
j. completely ignored you when you were talking? all the time
k. stared at you for a long time? yes
l. spit spitwads at you? no
m. pushed you into a swimming pool? yes
n. forced you to go on a rollercoaster? yes
o. mooned you? no

38. what is the worst thing that could happen to you right now?
right this immediate second? i guess all the wires coming from my power strip could start a fire and burn up all my books, my papers for class, my bed linens and my clothes. in a broader sense, i could flunk out of school or lose a parent, either of which would destroy the future i've got planned right now.

39. how many times have you cried this week?
zero!! good for me!! well, once, for steel magnolias. that doesn't really count, though.

40. how many times did you cut yourself this week?
i've never done that.