A little something about nothing

Hardest Day of My Life...so far

I woke up Wednesday morning and started getting ready. We had to be at the church by 9:15 a.m. I hadn't really thought about what the day was to bring, just that I needed to get ready and help Laura and Abby get ready so we would be there on time...didn't want to upset my dad by being late!

I knew today would hard on my dad, aunts & uncle and I seemed to handle the day before pretty well so I felt confident that I would stay strong to be there to support them. Was I ever wrong!!

We all gathered on the side walk outside the church as we couldn't go in until 9:30 a.m. Then I saw it...the herse was driving down the street. This did not sit well with me. I was not ready to watch them wheel my grandpa past me. I had to turn my back as they removed him from the vehicle and wheeled him into the church. Then it was time to walk in. I remember the first thing I felt was heat...the church doesn't have a big budget so they use ceiling fans instead of air most days; however, they fans were not even on.

After standing around talking to people for a few minutes my mom came to me and asked if I was ready to say my goodbye's. Then it hit me...this was my last time to see my grandpa and I had to say one final good bye. I walked up to him with my mom by my side and the tears would not stop. I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye...I thought it though. I regained my composure and greeted a few other people until it was time to sit. The rest of the family went up to say their good bye's. I again had to turn my head as they closed the casket. I was sitting there and doing okay and noticed Mark and my friend Naunie walk in...this helped.

Then they started wheeling my grandpa through the front of the church and turned him to head down the aisle, but they stopped. I had turned my back as they were doing this, and got very disturbed when they stopped. I was sitting between my brother and my mom, which my brother being right next to my grandpa at that moment. I turned to my mom and asked if they were going to leave him there...she said "yes, for a few minutes." I lost it...my mom had to hold on to me and I burried my face in her shoulder just like a little kid. Of course it was at the time the Priest had stopped talking and there was silence in the room...except for me nearly hyperventalating and sniffling.

After a few minutes I regained composure once again, but throughout the next 40 minutes I lost it at least 2 or 3 times more. I had my mom and brother watching over me. When we walked out and at the cemetary I had my dad, aunts and uncle all asking how I was doing when I was supposed to be the strong one watching over them. I felt bad.

I did okay at the cemetary; however, I had to walk away before they lowered him.

For all you that have offered your support and kind words I truly appreciate it and needed it more than you will ever know!!